Cryssy Loses Danielle To Leukemia

Cryssy Loses Danielle To  Leukemia- Podcast
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[00:00:00] Welcome to the Surviving Siblings Podcast. I'm your host Maya ler. As a surviving sibling myself, I. I knew that I wanted to share my story, my brother's story. I lost my brother to a homicide in November, 2016, and after going through this experience, I knew that I wanted to share my story and his story, and now it's your turn to share your stories.

62d44f94d16e77b66619324b_mayapinion: Today I'm with another incredible bereaved sibling. Her name is Chrissy. Chrissy, welcome to the show. I.

guest214899_cryssy-perry: And thank you. Thank you for having me on the show.

62d44f94d16e77b66619324b_mayapinion: Chrissy, I am looking forward to sharing your story and sharing the story of your sister, Danielle. So take us back a little bit here and tell us a little bit about you and Danielle and your family. [00:01:00] Tell us a little bit about what it was like growing up as a family unit. 'cause you also have another surviving sibling too.

So tell us a little bit about your, your dynamic growing up and what your family life was like.

guest214899_cryssy-perry: Um, family life was honestly chaotic. Um, but, uh. I celebrate birthdays literally days apart. So it's like my sister's birthday, my birthday, my little brother's birthday, my mom's birthday, grandma's birthday all days apart. So we got to bring my baby sister home on my birthday. So essentially she was like my birthday present. And then my little brother came home on Danielle's birthday. So it was just kind of like little gifts. My sisters were, and my sister and my brother were gifts to us. At least that's how I used to look at it when I was younger. Um, so Danielle was my little birthday present. Sean was Danielle's birthday present and we would celebrate, um. Just a couple days. Like I was the [00:02:00] 25th, Danielle's the 23rd, my brother's the 20th, and I used to tease my mom about it 'cause we're all September babies. Um, but I don't know, like I. Growing up, I was the oldest. I've always been the oldest. I had another little brother, Matthew, who passed away when I was like, really, really little.

Mm-hmm. So I didn't get to have like, the relationship that I got to have with like my brother or my sister. so being the big sister, I took on a lot of responsibility, like kind of being my own kind of mama bear. Um, there was mental health struggles growing up, so sometimes I did take on like taking care of my brother and my sister when, um, like my, my dad worked all the time, so mom wasn't always, I. Well, um, so like I took on a huge responsibility of like making sure that the house was okay and my sister was okay up for [00:03:00] school and dah, dah, dah, dah, dah. Um, and that just kind of followed up until I graduated from high school and moved away. Um, but then, but we were extremely, uh, close siblings. I was a protector.

Like anyone who messed with my siblings, I was always there. You just never would. Everyone knew not to mess with my brother or my sister because they had me to ask to or answer to, and that was, that was something I was proud of, to be able to take care of them and to protect them. I was the only one that could like, you know, be mean to my brother

62d44f94d16e77b66619324b_mayapinion: Yeah. Yeah. You're the, you're the oldest. Yeah. You're the oldest. I'm the oldest of four, so I connect with your story so much because you're the oldest of four, you know, and, um, I, I, it's totally true. It's like I can mess with them and nobody else can. I have to tell you this too. Uh, Chrissy, I was gonna ask you and then you answered it.

I'm like, well, what month is this in? My [00:04:00] brother and I are September 21st. We had the same birthday.

guest214899_cryssy-perry: That's

62d44f94d16e77b66619324b_mayapinion: Three years apart. So I soak, he was my birthday present on my third birthday, so I so connect with that. That's like one of my first vivid memories is him being born. So I so connect with that and I think, yeah, it's funny, but September is the most popular birthday month for a reason.

Right. It's after the holidays, that's why. So, yeah. That's so funny. You teased your mom about that. I love that.

guest214899_cryssy-perry: I was, I'm always like an open book. Like the, the loud mouth, like my, I'm the, I guess, um, my sister's always the angel and I was the devil child, you know? Um,

62d44f94d16e77b66619324b_mayapinion: We gotta be tough when we're the oldest though. You know? We gotta be the tough ones. Yeah. So, yeah. Okay, so you guys were really, really close. You were like the mama bear in the group. So tell us a little bit about. Danielle, because this is a [00:05:00] story of anticipatory grief that we're gonna be talking about today.

So tell us a little bit about Danielle's journey and when that all started.

guest214899_cryssy-perry: Um, Danielle was really, had a, an interesting life. Um, she was always getting injured, ever since she was a little kid. She was just always getting into accidents. Um, she, she fell out of the crib. Um, she got smacked in the head with a racket ball, uh, badminton. So, uh, she was in cheerleading, so she hurt her hip.

She broke her arm twice. She was the accident prone kiddo. And eventually, um, it was like what led up to the day was an interesting kind of a situation is. Uh, I got a phone call from her. She had left me a voicemail and she sounded so happy and she's like, Hey sis, it's your sis. 'cause we would joke about that. And she was like so excited. Her and her fiance had went and picked [00:06:00] out engagement rings at the mall to build credit because our goal was to, you know, build credit so they could get a home and have a wedding. And, um, she was so excited. to, you know, ring shop and I didn't get the call. I only got the voice message. And then, um, I had received a call from my mom shortly thereafter, kind of telling me what I'll tell you in a moment. And basically my mom was like, I. Don't call your sister. And I'm like, you can't tell me what I can and cannot do. So I instantly called my sister and I thought it was kind of interesting because my sister's having a great day when she ended up getting a bloody nose at the mall shortly after she was picking out a ring. And then so she went to the hospital, um, shortly thereafter. And, uh, so she was like, Hey, I don't know how to tell you, but they think I have [00:07:00] leukemia. They're gonna send me down to the University of Michigan Medical Center in Ann Arbor, um, to figure out the kind of leukemia that, um, they think it is. And so remember kind of going, you know. I wasn't gonna like lose it on the phone because that's the last thing you know you wanna do for somebody that's going through that. And so I held it together enough to be like, okay, you know, once you get down there, let me know you made it. and then, you know, call me. Just let me know. And that's when they had found out that it was acute myeloid leukemia and I had already. Known about acute myeloid leukemia because I had a friend that passed away from it previously. So I kind of knew. I knew no one else knew what to expect, [00:08:00] and so unfortunately I started to instantly start grieving her life instantly because I knew the outcome. And you know, people would be mad, like, why didn't you have hope?

And I'm like, I, of course you have hope, the outcome of a ML isn't and hasn't ever been a good outcome, unfortunately.

62d44f94d16e77b66619324b_mayapinion: us about, so I'm not as familiar with this and I, a lot of people listening probably won't be either Chrissy, unless they are like, you had known somebody before or maybe are in it right now or lost their sibling to this. So tell us more about this before we continue down this journey. Yeah.

guest214899_cryssy-perry: it's like, um, any kind of leukemia is a blood cancer. It attacks. The blood cells, the bone marrow, um, and it's fast moving. It's, it's just aggressive. they have trials after trials, after trials and it's just, there isn't like a cure for it yet. [00:09:00] They, um, I'm a huge proponent for acute myeloid Leukemia and Lymphoma Society and what used to be, I don't remember what it's called now, but it used to be be the match, which would help you, um, you know, be able to donate. Potential blood, uh, and bone marrow if you ever want to help someone, which I always, you know, please do because there's never enough blood, to donate. So if you can donate, definitely do that. but with, uh, a ML it's just, it's a fast moving, very aggressive cancer and a lot of leukemias are, um, she went through so many different trials and, um, different. Just everything that, you know, she didn't wanna give up obviously. And she had a great, great team. Everybody loved her. She, she was really resilient. Like she, you would never think that she [00:10:00] had cancer. Um, she didn't show that she was in pain. She always had a smile. Just everybody loved her. Everyone loved Danielle and like watching her. In 2011 when she was diagnosed, she was diagnosed on the sixth with leukemia and a ML on the 7th of April, lived, uh, a year and she passed away on May the fourth

62d44f94d16e77b66619324b_mayapinion: Wow.

guest214899_cryssy-perry: 20 12. it was, uh. rough year that she had. She was in and out of the hospital. I had two bake sales for her. I had community that she grew up in was huge out for her. Um, we had, I. If it wasn't for the community, honestly, I don't know what our family would do or would've done. Um, I kind of made sure [00:11:00] that Danielle received the help that she needed because my parents didn't have any idea where to start and what to do, so kind of got right into it, like getting hold of social Security for her. I got a hold of. Um, the, the, the Cancer Society, the Lymphoma Society, um, other people were like getting her in touch with community-based care that helped pay for things that she wasn't able to pay for. And like my mom or my dad or her fiance were just there was somebody always there with her? she went into remission for just like a month. And, um, and then she spent all of Thanksgiving in the hospital. And Halloween, she asked me to come decorate, her room for Halloween and come decorate a room for Christmas. Those are her two favorite holidays. Um, I, I share Halloween with her. [00:12:00] That's our favorite shared holiday.

62d44f94d16e77b66619324b_mayapinion: my brother and i's favorite too, so I'm totally with you. Something about September babies. I think we just love a Halloween, right? Yeah.

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guest214899_cryssy-perry: And then Danielle also loved Christmas and that was something that we got to share with our little brother. I had [00:14:00] started a tradition when my sister was really little and um, she kept that tradition going when I moved away. And I remember coming home one random Christmas and she's like still doing the tradition that I taught her, and I just thought that was so sweet that she kept it going for my little brother. our last Christmas, she asked if we could be together again. And I was like, absolutely. So we went to her apartment and so it was like my little brother, her fiance myself, we just stayed up talking all night. We were supposed to be at our mom's like early in the morning 'cause there was a surprise and um, we just couldn't stop talking.

We were just like. You know, wanting to have that moment together. And then we were late, but Santa visited us on Christmas, so, um, that was really great. And she loved Sailor Moon. I. Growing up. So I made sure that she [00:15:00] received Sailor Moon as her Christmas present that Christmas so that when she was in the hospital she'd be able to watch it. um, so it was one of those, like I have a picture of her hugging Sailor Moon. 'cause she was just so happy to receive that. And it was just like a huge big deal that I made sure she had that for her. know, unfortunately final Christmas, um,

62d44f94d16e77b66619324b_mayapinion: Yeah.

guest214899_cryssy-perry: because I kind of. I, I inevitably knew the outcome, which was to, to grieve somebody that's still here. And, and that's something that, you know, I did and did kind of by myself. 'cause I need, I had to outwardly be like, hopeful for, you know, her. And then of course my family too.

62d44f94d16e77b66619324b_mayapinion: Yeah.

guest214899_cryssy-perry: um. it was, was devastating 'cause I wanted to protect her, especially when she was getting sicker. And with cancer, [00:16:00] I don't know, like a lot of people, they have chemo brain and they'll hear and see things that. You know, might, you know, we, we don't see it, but they do. And so you wanna make sure that you don't downplay what they see 'cause what they see is very valid.

62d44f94d16e77b66619324b_mayapinion: Yeah.

guest214899_cryssy-perry: Yeah. And so I made sure that, you know, I'm like, okay, you know, I listened

62d44f94d16e77b66619324b_mayapinion: Right. You were validating her, which I think is so important. Um, let me ask you, so a couple things I wanna ask you, Chrisy. So first thing. In your story, it sounds like your, like your whole family was remaining quite hopeful and so you outwardly had to remain really hopeful while also being really realistic.

'cause you had experience with this type of loss before. So you were saying you felt very lonely. I'm sure that did create a sense of, of loneliness. For sure in, as you were in, in this anticipatory grief [00:17:00] mindset and like I'm mourning my sister while she's still physically here, but she still was a different version of your sister too, because now she's battling leukemia and that's, that's a lot.

And so were your, like your parents, your brother, and like the family unit, everybody was hopeful. You were the only one that was kind of a little more realistic.

guest214899_cryssy-perry: I've always was kind of going in through this, like in a really, a realistic way. Um, I always had a smile on my face, even though I was like breaking on the inside. Um, I. I could sort of, like, I could see my sister and my sister would have a smile on her face, but I could like, through those lines. Like I could see that, you know, I, I can tell a fake smile from a real smile and an authentic smile.

And I could tell like, my sister was going through it. And, we just kind of, I just kind of knew. And so I just kind of knew just to be there.

62d44f94d16e77b66619324b_mayapinion: Yeah.

guest214899_cryssy-perry: I [00:18:00] wasn't, I mean, I have a lot of, you know. and guilt still, because I never really did get to say officially goodbye with, to her. I, um, when she had the surge or whatever you wanna call it, where like, everybody thinks she's gonna get better, but you're like, no, this is just her. can eat today, but she's probably not gonna be here tomorrow. She's probably gonna go into a coma. You know, like, you just kind of know. nurses know like any like. People know, but like everyone else kind of was just hopeful. You know? Like you, you have that hope and you, you see everyone else kind of be hopeful and you're just kind of like, okay, well I'm prepared now. So you have to kind of be prepared because you have to be there for everyone else. And I was aware of that and so I made sure that everyone got to say goodbye and I thought that I would have enough time to say goodbye when it came to my [00:19:00] time to.

To have that goodbye. I didn't get to have that goodbye, but I just had the ability to take care of her afterwards when, um, she went into a coma after she had, um, her surge, had a

62d44f94d16e77b66619324b_mayapinion: tell us, tell us what a surge is for those of us who don't know what that is.

guest214899_cryssy-perry: kind of like, um. She'll be sick for a little while and all of a sudden she can eat food and she has all this energy, or they might have all this energy and they can visit and laugh and talk and they haven't had an appetite, and all of a sudden they can eat and they're, they're hungry for all this stuff. And people like get excited because like, oh, she might be getting better. But really it's kind of like. Her last bit of energy to be able to like spend it with you? Kind of. I mean, not everybody goes through that. Um, but a lot of people have that [00:20:00] kind of like ability to kind of have that little last energy to kind of spend with their family, their loved ones, people that you know.

So that's when you kind of like tell people like, come, come visit. You know, this is it like is if you have unsaid business, hurry, hurry. You know, you don't have a lot of time. 'cause you have, you can have. Anywhere between hours and minutes stays if you're lucky.

62d44f94d16e77b66619324b_mayapinion: Okay. Gotcha. Yeah. Okay. And I. I've, I've heard people describe it before, but I don't know if I've ever heard that term before. So I, this is why I love doing the show because I learn, I learn about this stuff, so. Yeah. And that makes sense because I have heard people describe often in like when their sibling has a terminal illness or, you know, whatever the anticipatory loss is.

Right. Um, cancer, you know, um. Yeah, I thought, I thought she was gonna be okay. I thought he was gonna be okay because he was talking that day, or you know, he seemed jovial that day or she seemed, you know, she could eat. So this is what they're talking about is the surge. Okay. And so [00:21:00] that happened and so,

guest214899_cryssy-perry: But that was what I was told.

62d44f94d16e77b66619324b_mayapinion: yeah.

Interesting. So that happened and everyone's like, oh. This is good. And you're like, uh, yeah, maybe, but it's inevitable what's going to happen? So what happened after that? Because then that's when she took And when was, when was this, when did she have that surge? And then, 'cause she passed in May, but when was all of this happening?

guest214899_cryssy-perry: it was about the last kind of week of April, if I remember correctly. Um, my. She was airlifted from Mount Pleasant Hospital, which is kind of in the middle of the Michigan mitten down to Ann Arbor, which is down by Detroit, Michigan. So she was airlifted from a tiny hospital to U of M where she was receiving her oncology care. And um, my parents, my brother was staying with me at the time 'cause we had just celebrated the Easter holiday. My parents drove up [00:22:00] to pick up my brother, took him down to Ann Arbor and then. I left with some friends, and I was at the hospital for about two weeks. I stayed at the hospital for two weeks. I slept out of a garbage bag. I had, I slept in a, uh, little visitor room and they were very nice and kept us, you know. Accommodated while we were there 'cause they understood, you know, that we were traveling far and our means were just not. We were very, very, very poor family. So they were very kind to let us stay there for as long as they did. Um, and um, I was just kind of there for about two weeks. It took, um, she passed away at 10 20. On the fourth then, uh, we were all in the room with her. It was like her fiance, my mom, [00:23:00] my dad, my brother, and, um, a very close friend of hers and her partner. And, um, we just were there in that room. We had just taken a cold. were trying to keep her fever down 'cause she was really, really warm and she took in a breath and then she never. Breathed out and we were kind of waiting and there wasn't anymore. And that was, that was the end and like it was, and she was our glue. was the glue that kind of kept us all together. And unfortunately after her passing, we all kind of split into all these different paths, I guess you would say, is the rather unfortunate part. She had Um, I, I, what, what would you call it? Like, she didn't have a traditional funeral. [00:24:00] She had like, um, like a viewing. 'cause she, we could only afford the viewing unfortunately. And, um, I. She had asked for crackle, nail polish and for Christmas, and I remember I painted her nails. That was important to me to make sure that, you know, she was dressed in something that. She looked, Ko, my sister, was very stylish. She was a model. Um, so I wanted to make sure that she looked good and stylish, um, for her viewing.

I painted her nails. I did her hair, I put her glasses on. I got her dressed. I, know, they, I made sure that she looked presentable, then I put her all the jewelry on. then I was like, okay, I think my parents can see her. So my parents and my like brother and my dad came and were [00:25:00] able to, you know, okay, yep, she's ready for tomorrow, for her, for her day. um, so I was, I got to. Take care of her because I, I didn't get to say goodbye to her proper, so I got to say goodbye to her and I'm gonna take care of her then.

62d44f94d16e77b66619324b_mayapinion: Lemme ask you this, Chrissy, as we're talking about this. Again, this keeps coming up in your story. Why? Why this happens a lot with sudden loss, right? Where you don't get the chance to say goodbye. I and a lot of you guys who listen to the show. Often I get emails or messages on TikTok, and you know, you've probably seen it all my lives.

People are like, I didn't get to say goodbye. I didn't get to say goodbye. That's not always the case with anticipatory. So I'm curious why, why didn't you have the opportunity? Is it because your family was. Continuing to be hopeful. Is it because she took a turn? What was [00:26:00] the reason that you didn't have that opportunity?

And I think that's an interesting part of your story and something that you still carry with you today because it's not always the case, right? You, you know, with a more of an anticipatory type loss. So I think you sharing this part would be really helpful for people. So why, why did that happen?

guest214899_cryssy-perry: I think like, I think, I think that, I thought I had more time. And, when ultimately I should have spent more time, I don't think, like I spent as much time as I should have, and so I have a lot of regret there. Um, I love my mom. I just don't have, we have never had a good relationship and it was very hard to. Be able to be myself authentically alone with my sister without having like [00:27:00] her there a lot of the time. I wouldn't, you know, so like my mom would leave us alone, but it wasn't like I, I guess it was more about listening to her and I didn't ask the right questions when I should have. um, you know, like things that were. Not important at the time should have been more important I think. So. I think there's a lot of regret there. Mm-hmm.

62d44f94d16e77b66619324b_mayapinion: Yeah.

guest214899_cryssy-perry: And so I would, had to ask like a lot of her friends stuff and like her best friend for example, I had to ask her like. You know, things that I wanted to know more about because I, I did kind of run away from home when I graduated high school, so I missed out on a lot of key moments in my sister and my brother's life. And then when she got sick, I wasn't able to kind of be there as much 'cause of, of [00:28:00] the distance. I lived all four hours away from where she was mostly. a majority of that time it was with my mom. And sometimes you wanna know to when to be quiet and sometimes you can't be quiet when you should be quiet. and I think like there's a time and a place and I just, my mom and I never were able to ever. Be able to be that mature, I guess you'd say,

62d44f94d16e77b66619324b_mayapinion: Yeah. And, and you probably didn't feel, because I understand what that's like to have a, a strained relationship with your mother. Trust me, I get that. So, yeah. So if you are surrounded by those people, I. At this time, it's really difficult to feel completely vulnerable and uninhibited to say maybe the things that you wanted to say.

guest214899_cryssy-perry: Yeah,

62d44f94d16e77b66619324b_mayapinion: Yeah.

guest214899_cryssy-perry: did. I, I wasn't able to convey the things that I definitely wanted to say. I think she knew you know, I loved her deeply. Um, [00:29:00] I did what I could 'cause I. I, my parents wouldn't have known what to do. They, I had to kind of be the parent in a lot of ways. Um, and I kind of was like that a lot growing up really. Um, and then that was kind of, uh, a bummer and I'm still, I. I still grieve my sister all the time, like April, may. Those are hard months. Birth months, like September is, is hard. Halloween can be hard. Holidays, all holidays, you know, like, and we, it, it, it can hit you right out of the blue too. Like just you could be having the greatest day and then. This weird memory just kind of pops up and you're like, what? Or you're happy that that memory came up 'cause you hadn't thought about it and, you know, since it probably happened when, and those moments. I'm, I'm grateful for, and anytime I have the chance to talk about Danielle, I will annoy anyone because I wanna [00:30:00] talk about her.

I wanna make sure that she's not forgotten.

62d44f94d16e77b66619324b_mayapinion: Yeah. Well, I'm glad you're telling her story today because she'll definitely never be forgotten and so many of you guys are gonna cherish this, this story and listening to this, and I think. I love that you shared that you like trust her and you did her crackle nail polish. And because even though you don't feel like you had the opportunity to say you were able to do for her, and that is a way to say goodbye, and I think the way that you're sharing with us, it's like, no, I didn't say it, but like I got to do it.

And I think there's some beauty in that in your story, right? Like that's, that's love what you did for her. So.

guest214899_cryssy-perry: this, I had this amazing dream after. It was around October of 2013 and I, um, I used to, I used to throw these like awesome parties. It's just something I've always done and I was getting ready for a birthday party [00:31:00] and. was prepared. And then I had this dream about my sister she had her short hair.

And, um, my sister had, when she was cancer free, had beautiful long hair, she had passed away with her short cancer hair and in the dream she had her short hair and, but we were back at home. But it wasn't home. 'cause you know how dreams are? Weird life. Like the house looked like the Brady Bunch house. And um, and I remember like my mom was calling us down for school and we had long since graduated high school. And I remember like going up and going, Hey, we gotta go to school. And my sister just was like, you know what, okay. And I was like. Okay. And it was kind of like, to me, I, I was like, this is my sister telling me that she's okay [00:32:00] that it's okay if I laugh, it's okay if I smile.

It's okay to be okay. Like she's okay. And you know, it was the first dream that I had had since, um. Since she had passed. so I was like, I was just like, wow, like I had this, like she had this beautiful smile and like her just beautifulness and I, and I felt it, felt it, like I felt that warmth, that light, that surrounding white light that I tell people to like, know, grant themselves when they aren't grieving to like, you know. You know, surround yourself in white light. And that's kind of how that dream was for me was that that white light meditation feeling, that feeling of love and like her telling me that she was okay and

62d44f94d16e77b66619324b_mayapinion: I love that.

guest214899_cryssy-perry: it, it stayed with me. And I remember like, I was so excited to [00:33:00] be able to tell my brother, 'cause he was coming to my party and I was like, Sean, I had a dream about Danielle and it was just. I don't know. It was like one of those things that staged with me.

62d44f94d16e77b66619324b_mayapinion: I, I mean, yeah, it, it, you, you don't for forget those. But what I think is interesting too about you sharing like the timeline, you know, a lot of people and a lot of you guys listening, um, have dreams. I. I had dreams about my brother. Still do from time to time. And it's interesting how they evolve over the years too, which that's, that could be a whole episode on just Dreams right there, Rissy.

But I, what I think is really beautiful is that our loved ones can give us like those gifts, and I totally believe in this. And that was a gift to you and like. You know, because you were thinking like, I didn't get to say the things I wanted to say and like we always wonder, you know, we're here, we're human, we're having a human experience.

What do we know about what happens? You know, we can have our beliefs and everyone has their own beliefs and you know, um, but I do think those are gifts and I think it's [00:34:00] great that she just like looked at you and she's like, I'm okay. You know, it's okay. I think that's great. And I, I know what you're talking about with the white light as well, and for those of you who maybe haven't done meditation exercises, but that's like a big thing in meditation exercises to like protect yourself.

Cryssy Prt 2 maya: People have different feelings on meditation, but I like it. Um, it took me many years to like get into it, but yeah, that's kind of what they, what they

Teach you is like envision this like white light around you and it's a calming thing.

And so I think it's amazing that Danielle visited you and you had that experience with her, Chrissy, I think that's really, really cool.

Cryssy Prt 2: Yeah, it felt like, um, like a being kind of like wrapped in love, like a hug,

Cryssy Prt 2 maya: Yeah, I

Cryssy Prt 2: like an energy hug.

Cryssy Prt 2 maya: Yeah, I love that. But you know what I like about what you shared too is that, you know, a lot of people are like, oh my God, why am I not dreaming? I'm about my sister, or why am I not dreaming about my brother? I mean, it was over a year before you had that dream. So I feel like, don't you feel like you kind of just have to be open to [00:35:00] it and like, you know, we can't put time, it's like grief.

We can't put timelines on when we see signs or when they visit us in a dream, or, I mean, it's, it's not something we can control. And I think.

Cryssy Prt 2: Mm.

Cryssy Prt 2 maya: That. I mean, it's such a theme in grief as well, right? We really can't control what we're gonna feel like you were sharing earlier when it's gonna come up. But like the signs or the dreams and those experiences, we can't control those either.

Cryssy Prt 2: No, you really can't control anything when it comes to grief, you know? And I think that's the thing about grief is it's uncontrollable and nobody grieves the same and to. Be mad at somebody for grieving, like grief is the price that we pay for the love that we had given to the people that we love in this world.

Cryssy Prt 2 maya: Yeah.

Cryssy Prt 2: So all grief is,

Cryssy Prt 2 maya: and so true.

Cryssy Prt 2: yeah,

Cryssy Prt 2 maya: Yeah.

Cryssy Prt 2: all it is is love. Just in a different way.

Cryssy Prt 2 maya: Yeah. [00:36:00] Tell us a little bit about where you are now and kind of how your grief journey was for you, because I relate so much to the aspect of your loss in the sense that like I think families either really come together or it can separate you,

Cryssy Prt 2: Mm-hmm.

Cryssy Prt 2 maya: me it was a very di divisive experience as well for family.

So I totally relate to that part of your story. But I love that you and your brother.

Cryssy Prt 2: Mm-hmm.

Cryssy Prt 2 maya: to still have that connection after. But what, I mean, it's been coming up on 13 years for you. So what has this experience been like for you personally, and how has it impacted you, like

Cryssy Prt 2: Um,

Cryssy Prt 2 maya: emotionally, physically?

How have those things impacted your life? How has grief impacted your life?

Cryssy Prt 2: um, oh, in so many ways. Um, I got sick because I didn't realize that you can get. Deathly ill because of grief [00:37:00] and I learned through grief therapy that like grief can manifest in illness and many other different things. And like, uh, literally like a month to the date of my sister passing, I ended up getting this really bad illness that they don't know what it was.

Don't know what caused it. I just was really, really sick. Um. And I remember like. Hoping and praying that I was gonna be able to get outta the hospital in time to go to my sister's second, um, memorial. She had two memorial services. Um, and I was like, please let me, you know, be able to get out. And I kind of did against doctors' recommendations, but I'm like, I'm not gonna miss.

You know, my sister's memorial because of being sick. And, um, I had learned that like, oh yeah, you know, you had manifested it in illness. Um, I had, I couldn't see for, [00:38:00] um, I had this like the worst migraine you could I, any sort of light sound. I couldn't eat anything but grapes for like seven days.

Cryssy Prt 2 maya: What

Cryssy Prt 2: Yeah, it was wild.

Cryssy Prt 2 maya: that is wild.

Cryssy Prt 2: And then once I was released, I ended up getting an abscess in my, uh, leg that had the heel from the inside out. So I had a baseball size hole in my arm, and it took a year to heal. I ended up getting sepsis, but I didn't know I had sepsis and.

Cryssy Prt 2 maya: Which is deadly.

Cryssy Prt 2: Yes. And the interesting thing about it is I was living with a roommate who also, um, knew my sister, and we, um, she was like a, kind of like an honorary sister to my sister.

And, um, so I had, I always closed my door at night to sleep. I, I never [00:39:00] had the door open. And this particular night. Of all the nights in all of the world, I decided to sleep with the door open. And a friend that would come over on occasion on his lunch break of all the days, decided that this particular day he was gonna come and take a nap.

And that's when he noticed that I was sick. And he had, he had said like, Hey, I'm not coming back in the morning after work. I'm just gonna go home. Well, he actually did come back that morning. And at that point I was delusional. I didn't know where I was, what was going on. 'cause I had, um, what I found out was like 105, I don't remember if it was 105 or 106 degree temperature.

And, um, sepsis had set in and, um, of all the nights like. I feel like, I don't know, like had to have been my sister because why else would I have left the door open? And why [00:40:00] else did this person show up when they did, after not seeing them for weeks and they ended up calling 9 1 1 and ended up sending, saving my life.

Cryssy Prt 2 maya: Oh my God.

Cryssy Prt 2: So it was, it was crazy and it's just been kind of up and down ever since. But, um, I celebrate her. Every year, like I, I get her carrot cake and sing to her. I have a sheep, uh, my sister collected sheep. I have this sheep called sheep. Sheep that I dress up in. Um, little pet clothes from five below.

Cryssy Prt 2 maya: That's so cute. Oh my gosh.

Cryssy Prt 2: All these little holiday sweaters, and anywhere I go, I take her with me.

And countless people will be like, you know, you're, you're an old lady. Why are you carrying this random sheep? And I'll, I, it gives me a chance to be like, oh, it gives me it, I get to tell about my sister. I get to talk about my sister, like this sheep is [00:41:00] because, you know, I, I'm living vicariously through my sister.

Like, I got to go to the Grand Canyon. Took my sister with me and.

Cryssy Prt 2 maya: I love this. I think that's so cool. So, so many of you guys ask like, can I honor my sibling? How can I honor my sibling? I think it's so. Personal. Chrissy, how you honor your sibling, and I've never heard of this before and it's, what I love about this is it's so personal because your sister loved sheep and like you, this is like a symbol of your sister and when you go experience things, you're taking. Your sister are with you

Cryssy Prt 2: Yep.

Cryssy Prt 2 maya: this and, and it's just such a great example of, of what I always say I am like, it's so personal how you honor your sibling. There's no wrong way to do it,

Cryssy Prt 2: I agree.

Cryssy Prt 2 maya: too big and nothing's too small to do, right?

Cryssy Prt 2: It's all about, it's all about celebrating, celebrating them because you, you could be sad forever, but like, you know, they wouldn't want you sad. They want you [00:42:00] to, you know. Be living your best life. You know, they're there in their own way. And if you have like something like a little sheep or, you know, some people take their ashes with them wherever they go, you know, like, you know, keeping them close by and, you know, like, I think you can do whatever you want in order to honor the people that you, you know, that you've loved and lost.

I, I, I think celebrating them is. Uh, one of the best ways you can honor them.

Cryssy Prt 2 maya: Yeah. I love that. Your sheep, sheep. I love it. It's so cute. It's such a cute idea. Well, and, and we've talked about that before and again, it's so important to honor them and I think it can be so healing, um, for us too, because again, we're the ones left, left here, having an experience and how do we incorporate them into our lives?

And it's such a personal thing. To choose to do. And you're right, like a lot of people [00:43:00] will do ashes. I wore a necklace of my brother's ashes for a really long time. I don't wear it as much anymore. That kind of changed for me. But when I travel somewhere new, he comes with me. So yes, he does, he does come with me. Um, but I wore that necklace for like three years straight. I was like, no. And then I got his ashes tattooed in me. So then now I feel like he's always with me. So. Yeah, he's always with me now, so it's, I I love that, but what a cute idea. Okay, so for those of you thinking of ideas, that's a really cute one.

That's really cool.

Cryssy Prt 2: Yeah.

Cryssy Prt 2 maya: Yeah. And unique. I love that. I'm, I'm so sorry to hear, like, sepsis is very serious. Having an abscess, like all of this is very serious. But what I think is interesting too, about your story, Chrissy, is that you, you know, and believe that like your grief really manifested in a physical way. I've heard of this happening before because you just got sick out of the blue, out of nowhere. I love that your friend came back. I totally believe that our siblings watch over us.

Cryssy Prt 2: Yes.

Cryssy Prt 2 maya: in that [00:44:00] personally. Um, but that's just my personal belief. But yeah, I mean, you're, you're meant to be here still, Chrissy, for sure, because Wow. Yeah.

Cryssy Prt 2: Oh, I believe that like, um, I have, I'm a. I've survived three pulmonary embolisms and, um, like I do believe that I have, I don't know what it is and I don't think we're really sometimes, uh, meant to know. Um, but I think everyone has purpose. And so for whatever the universe says, it's like here, you gotta keep living for.

To, to be there for people. And I think that's like my gift is to be able to, to help people. Yeah.

Cryssy Prt 2 maya: Oh, I totally get that with you. Yeah, for sure. And I think fi, finding purpose after loss is a big topic as well that you've kind of just transitioned us into.

Cryssy Prt 2: Yeah.[00:45:00] 

Cryssy Prt 2 maya: you know, uh, your, you feel like your purpose is to help people and. Yeah, I think, I think that's a, I mean, you know so much about this as well and I think, I think us older children too often feel like our purpose is to help people.

'cause we're kind of like, that's kind of our life trajectory

Cryssy Prt 2: Yeah.

Cryssy Prt 2 maya: It's like, you know, we start out life and we're pretty much helping people from the beginning. Um. Let me, let me switch gears for just a second. I wanna understand something a little more too, and I want everyone listening to understand. If you don't know already how, how do you, is there like a preexisting thing or like how, what happens with leukemia?

Because again, I only know so much, is it a certain genetic thing? Is it like, how do we not know enough still like. I'm sure you went through this too. Another question on top of that is, why Danielle? Why Danielle? Right? Like why was it her? But is there something that, is there a way we [00:46:00] can tell if it, you know, a predisposition? I'm always curious with these types of cancers and illnesses, like what do we know about it?

Cryssy Prt 2: An interesting thing that I, I, an article that I had read, um, about, uh. Leukemia in particular is, um, if you're injured a lot, like if you break a lot of bones, um, and you just continuously like, break a lot of bones or you get injured a lot easily, like you kind of, um. I think they had put like, people that are injured more end up kind of getting leukemia.

Like they, they did like a study. I haven't, that was just something that I read back in like 2012. I don't know if it's still a thing, but it's an article I had read through The Leukemia. The Leukemia, well, the Leukemia and Lymphoma, um, society. 'cause I, I try to read up on the, the. The, the drug trials that she was trying [00:47:00] to, to do when she was still here with us.

And I wanted to make sure that, you know, she was making the right decisions and I tried not to sway her 'cause it's ultimately was up to her, um, in her decisions. And so I was just kind of like up, and I had read that like a, a lot of people that have had a lot of injuries end up getting leukemias. Um, and sometimes you're just.

You know, you, you just get it. And that's the unfortunate thing. Sometimes it's, you know, predisposition, sometimes it's not genetics, you know, like some people just, they don't have it in their family history at all. Then boom, they have it.

Cryssy Prt 2 maya: Yeah.

Cryssy Prt 2: So I, I don't know much about that information.

Cryssy Prt 2 maya: Yeah. Well, it sounds like you know as much as you could know

Cryssy Prt 2: Yeah.

Cryssy Prt 2 maya: there's still so much to figure out. Yeah. But that's interesting because you shared earlier in the episode that she was. It's kind of getting herself into some bumps and some [00:48:00] scrapes and so, so that's interesting, right? Like maybe there is a connection there. I, I think that kind of information is really fascinating within us also sharing our grief and sharing our love and sharing our pain. Also understanding, um, there's a curiosity in us when we love our siblings so much and we lose them in a certain way and wanting to really understand why this happened to them.

Cryssy Prt 2: Yeah.

Cryssy Prt 2 maya: you know, the what ifs and the why's are what haunt us for a really long time.

Cryssy Prt 2: Yeah. And, and I don't think that ever stops.

Cryssy Prt 2 maya: Yeah.

Cryssy Prt 2: I think, um, I think the one thing that I always, there's things that I get mad about when it comes through to loss, or especially losses that we have no. Control over like cancer. Like um, you hear the like, um, it was this plan or is that plan or whatever. And I would just get so angry when I would hear somebody be [00:49:00] like, it was God's plan.

And I'm like, that would just make me so mad 'cause I heard it. Constantly and I would just have to like bite my tongue and just kind of grin and bear it. 'cause that's not the feeling that I was taking away from that.

Cryssy Prt 2 maya: Of course not.

Cryssy Prt 2: And like I would get super mad at people and they would tell me that. And I'm like, well if this is a plan, it's a really crappy plan to give someone.

Cryssy Prt 2 maya: right.

Cryssy Prt 2: 'cause like we don't ever wanna lose the people we love, you know, especially from something. Anything. Nobody wants to lose. Anyone we love from, from, whether it's cancer or a car accident, from drugs, alcohol, anything. Like we don't wanna lose the people we love. And the last thing that anybody wants to hear is that it was, you know, this plan or that plan or purpose or whatever.

And I wish more people would know that sometimes simply while we're grieving to just kind of let it. [00:50:00] Silence is okay. We don't have to hear that you're sorry. We know that you're sorry.

Cryssy Prt 2 maya: Mm-hmm.

Cryssy Prt 2: And I think, I think I wish more people would kind of be like, it's okay to be okay in silence. Like we just want you to know that we know that you're sorry already.

Like just be there for us.

Cryssy Prt 2 maya: Yeah, I was gonna ask you like, what advice would you give? And so you just beautifully took that to the next step. Perfect. Thank you, Chrissy. And yeah, I think we've all heard something like that, right? Or, you know, another one that really, it drives me crazy, and I'm sure you heard this too, it's like, well, at least if you're starting with an, at least, it's probably not the right thing to

Cryssy Prt 2: Yeah.

Cryssy Prt 2 maya: you know, at least you got to be with Danielle for a little while. Please don't. Please stop,

Cryssy Prt 2: Yeah. Yeah.

Cryssy Prt 2 maya: Because what's interesting.

Cryssy Prt 2: You know.

Cryssy Prt 2 maya: Right, but Right, but, but they're not here now, guys. Like, but yeah, I think, yeah, it was God's plan or it was divine planning or, you know, it's okay. Or like, [00:51:00] you know, they're in a better place.

Like all these phrases just refrain and it's okay to be silent. And I think that's really great. Great advice, Chrissy. And. If you could kind of, 'cause you've been on this journey for 13 years and so I just feel like you have so much wisdom to share, especially with our audience that have anticipatory losses or might, you know, might be going through it right now, might be spending those last moments with their siblings or maybe are just coming out of this. advice would you give, what's something we haven't talked about and what's some advice that you would give about this particular type of journey of loss of a sibling?

Cryssy Prt 2: Um.

If you, if it's anticipatory and you know that, you know, they might have something terminal, my advice would definitely be to record them, whether it's their voice or them on video, or, you know, take as many pictures, ask them the questions you wanna ask them. Spend as much [00:52:00] time with them as you want, even if you're just quiet in each other's company, like just.

That's the thing that I regret and you'll regret it too, is time. 'cause you'll never get that back. Um, so spend as much time, ask the questions, listen record, be with them, you know, put the smile on your face. Cry with them. Just, you know, beef, what you would want somebody to be for you if it was in your shoes.

Cryssy Prt 2 maya: Yeah, I think that's great advice. Yeah. I, um. Yeah, I think, I think it's normal to have regrets, right? And so if you are going through this, I think that's really beautiful advice and to take advantage of the time that you do have. And, something I would ask you before, um, before we'll close out, is, did, did Danielle share the same hopefulness as the rest of your family or was she more [00:53:00] aligned with you? I forgot to ask you that

Cryssy Prt 2: Um, Daniel was, uh, she was, uh, she was hopeful and, um, she was always, you know, she. Was very in her faith, she was very, uh, you know, Christian faith. Um, and I'm not, and that was one of the things that, you know, she was wishing that I would kind of be, you know, um, she, she, I remember her specifically going, you know, I wanna see you someday.

And that broke my heart. 'cause you know, like, like. Here she is, you know, worried that she's not gonna see me someday in like, um, heaven. And, um, and I sit with that a lot, sometimes at night. And, you know, because that's something she requested is, you know, please, you know, I wish walk in the faith [00:54:00] of Jesus and, and I respected her and her faith and I respect everybody's faith and, um.

I think that's something like, she, she asked me like, I wanna see you someday. And, and I, and I sit with that a lot at night. Um, and that's probably the one thing. She, she asked me to do that and she asked me to, to, uh. Lose weight, healthy not to have weight loss surgery. So like that's what I've been working on, is having, uh, losing weight on my own.

And I am, I've lost a hundred pounds so far.

Cryssy Prt 2 maya: That's amazing. I think the things you're doing to honor your sister are amazing. Like you're. On a health journey. You are. I mean, the sheep, I can't get over how cute that is. I'm sorry. I love that. So if you guys are thinking of ideas like, that's a really cute one. I

Cryssy Prt 2: I, I'll have to send you a picture of Sheep. Sheep, and because I, I [00:55:00] take pictures of her throughout the year in different costumes.

Cryssy Prt 2 maya: That is so cool. That is so cool. I absolutely love that. Um, and I just love how you're honoring your sister. I think this is amazing and I think it's really amazing too that, you know, that was her faith and this is what your belief is. And I think we can still stay true to ourselves in whatever our beliefs are and still honor our siblings.

And I think your story is a testament to that as well.

Cryssy Prt 2: Yeah.

Cryssy Prt 2 maya: Yeah.

Cryssy Prt 2: Like she's never, like, I have pictures of her in every room. Um, you know, like there isn't a day that I, I don't, you know, think about her. Um, like something will, something throughout the day will make me think of her. And, and I love being able to like know that she's there. Um, in some, in some form, like, um, I decorate trees.

I'm, this is probably just like, you're like, wow. Like I literally decorate like 11 or 12 trees in my home [00:56:00] and, um, I have a peacock tree and it's, uh. Danielle's last birthday I had a, a ma for her birthday. My birthday, I had a masquerade party and she made this beautiful mask. I bought her all the stuff to make it and it was, uh, teal and purple and had peacock feathers, and she was so proud of that.

Masquerade mask. She looks so cute that night. And so now I have this beautiful peacock tree that I put up every year and to honor her along with all million other different trees to honor my sister. But,

Cryssy Prt 2 maya: love that.

Cryssy Prt 2: I, I carve a pumpkin for her, you know, like I try to do so much for her. And Easter was the last holiday we got to celebrate.

So, um. And Easter was a huge family thing for our whole family. Mm-hmm. A lot of people, you know, have Christmas or Thanksgiving. Our family was Easter, so [00:57:00] I try to have a big Easter celebration every year with our close family that we made ourselves.

Cryssy Prt 2 maya: Mm-hmm.

Cryssy Prt 2: So, and I, yeah, I try to honor her as much as I can.

Cryssy Prt 2 maya: Well, obviously with your trees and sheep, sheep and all the things you're doing, but I love that and I, I think it'll inspire all of you guys listening too, who are thinking about ways to honor, like, important, Christine, what you're sharing is that it is so personal, right? It's so personal, and it's about the connection that you had with your sibling, and each thing that you do represents your relationship.

Danielle,

Cryssy Prt 2: Yeah.

Cryssy Prt 2 maya: why you feel connected to her. I think that's beautiful. And thank you for giving really insightful advice to those of, you know, those of the siblings listening that are maybe new on the journey or maybe have felt stuck, or, you know, it's we're living in honor of them as well as

Cryssy Prt 2: Yes, yes.

Cryssy Prt 2 maya: you're really doing that. Christie, where are you comfortable with people reaching out to you? Um, for, [00:58:00] for those of them that wanna connect with you and your story resonates with them, what's the best way to connect with you?

Cryssy Prt 2: Um, I am a NIMBY donut on Instagram. Um, crystal m Perry at Yahoo is my email. Um, I'm Christy, Chrissy, Chrissy on TikTok. Um, I think I messaged you all that information, so if, if you wanna put it out there and, um, I think that's it. And of course, Chrissy Perry, uh, at Facebook, if, if you can even find me, I'm so privatized on there.

Cryssy Prt 2 maya: We'll put your other links in here and uh, your email as well. So if this story resonated with you guys, definitely reach out to Chrissy. Chrissy, thank you for sharing your

Cryssy Prt 2: Yes. Thank you for having me.

Cryssy Prt 2 maya: us. Yes, it's

Cryssy Prt 2: And yes, thank you for letting me talk about Danielle.

Thank you so much for listening to the Surviving Siblings Podcast. If you enjoyed this episode as much as I did creating it for you, then share it on your chosen social media platform. And don't forget to tag [00:59:00] us at Surviving Siblings Podcast so that more surviving siblings can find us. Remember to rate, review and subscribe to the podcast.

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