Jen Loses Teddy To Suicide

Jen Loses Teddy To Suicide- Podcast
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Welcome to the Surviving Siblings Podcast. I'm your host Maya ler. As a surviving sibling myself, I. I knew that I wanted to share my story, my brother's story. I lost my brother to a homicide in November, 2016, and after going through this experience, I knew that I wanted to share my story and his story, and now it's your turn to share your stories.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Today I have Jen Hoy with me, who is of course a surviving sibling. Jen, welcome to the show.

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: Thank you for having me.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Yeah, my pleasure. So Jen is gonna be sharing the story of losing her brother Teddy with us today. Jen, tell us a little bit about growing up with Teddy, your family dynamics.

Kind of take us back to what life was [00:01:00] like growing up in your family.

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: Okay. So to tell the story of life growing up in my family, I need to just let you know that we grew up in the seventies and eighties where, it was a free range childhood and we grew up outside of Boston, part of an enormous Sicilian family. And a thing about the Sicilian immigrant culture is family is everything.

And so. I didn't just grow up with my brother. My mom's sister had a son and a daughter similar in age to me and Teddy. My cousin Nicole is actually 25 days older than I'm, and the four of us were raised like siblings and we were always together. And so we were all super close. We fought like cats and dogs all the time, like all the time.

And it was just, it was a lot of family all the time. Anything I did, my brother came with me. Sometimes that was a good thing and sometimes it wasn't.[00:02:00] 

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: So what was the age difference between you and Teddy, just so people can understand that

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: So we were about 18 months apart, but we were meant to be closer to two years apart. Teddy was born four months early in 1975 when micro preemies were not. Very common and they didn't live very long. My brother is a twin. His twin Joseph survived maybe a few hours after birth. And Teddy remained at Children's Hospital in Boston for I think over a year.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Wow. So were, are, you're older than Teddy.

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: I am older and I took that job very seriously.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: yes. I can connect with that too, but I, what I love about you sharing about the dynamic is there's a lot of folks that listen to the show that have lost a cousin, that has felt like a sibling as well. And I do think it matters how you're brought up and when you're brought up with that type of [00:03:00] cultural background, like you were brought up in that's very common to feel like you have, multiple siblings because of the way that you grow up.

But what is unique about you and Teddy is you grew up, like you went to bed in the same household. You rose, but then you were still in this dynamic. So it's interesting and I find that a lot of like step siblings or half siblings sometimes can relate to the, that cousin relationship that were brought up in that dynamic too.

And it's important to highlight those relationships and I think that's really cool. And I'm glad that you brought that up, that you had this foursome dynamic that was going on.

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: Yeah and honestly for my cousin Michael. Who was Teddy's counterpart? The loss was profound and in a way that I don't think that a lot of people understood or appreciated. And he's felt like he can talk to me. We talk to each other about all of these things that we feel like we can't talk about in the open with our Sicilian family, but I get it.

[00:04:00] He gets it and it's nice to have that support.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Yeah. And I'm jumping ahead a little bit here, but since we're talking about this, I wanna highlight that. Do you feel like with your cousin, your C, this is your cousin,

Do you feel like it brought you, it sounds like you guys grew up close anyway, but do you feel like it's been an additional bonding for the two of you that you've been able to connect and talk through this?

Because I know that's so healing for a lot of us that feel like we have no one to connect with about our loss.

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: Yeah. No, absolutely. One of the things that Teddy and I did frequently is he, we texted every day or talked every day when cell phones did not exist. And Teddy loved to send just random memes or pictures, and Michael started doing that to me, just some of the most bizarre things that you would ever imagine.

And it, it made me smile. It made me happy because I felt like I had that connection. But similarly, like, a lot of, Michael's memories, all of [00:05:00] his history and my history is also Teddy's, and so it's hard for him to look at a lot of his own family pictures because Teddy is in all of them.

And so he has asked, I can't look at the pictures, but when I'm ready, will you show them to me? And it's nice to be able to say that and not, cause a thing, 

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: yeah. Yeah, it is. And I, so you mentioned this so early on, so I had to ask, and I know all of us. Are always looking for other family members that we can connect with and speak openly about. us a little bit about Teddy. What was Teddy like growing up with? Like, what was his personality like? I'm curious to know him and I know you took being an older cis really, like that was a responsibility and I connect with that too.

I'm the oldest of four, so I totally get that. But tell us a little bit about what he was like growing up.

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: I'll try to keep my language clean. Teddy was a massive pain in the butt. Like, he [00:06:00] was impulsive and he was a clown, and he was always punished because he just did things just to see what would happen. I remember. One time we heard our next door neighbors screaming like, Teddy, no. And we went outside and there's 5-year-old, 6-year-old Teddy with the garden hose spraying them as they were leaving for a family wedding.

'cause he just wanted to see what would happen. And he was just like that. And he was a clown, always a clown. But he also, because he was born so early he was a lot smaller than kids his age. And kids picked on him a lot. And that's where kind of being his sister was. I took that job seriously and I got into a lot of fistfights.

And that's, coming from a traditional Sicilian family, girls are meant to be quiet and dainty and boys are meant to be strong. So we kept all of this a secret [00:07:00] from our family because I would be punished for fighting. And he would be told, well, you need to toughen up. But sometimes the kids that just picked on him were a lot older, sometimes teenagers when we were, 10 and under.

But growing up with him, when I say we fought, there were times we were, there were house rules that we were not allowed in one another's bedrooms because he would just come in and rearrange things purposely because he knew it would drive me crazy. But he was also my best friend. And that's hard sometimes to think about.

'cause I remember like wishing I had a sister, I didn't want this brother. And when my youngest was born he had a lot of Teddy's qualities as like a toddler, impulsive and a clown and always had something to say. And I remember my mom one day saying, Ugh, you were such a good kid.

I don't know [00:08:00] how you ended up with a teddy. And the two, Teddy and Joseph are my Joey. Were are like, were like this. And at the time I remember being like, how did this happen? And now when I see those traits come out in my kids I encourage it. Like I, I'm not upset.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: And I am sure it's oh, there's my teddy. Right. It like reminds you

And it's heartwarming. Yeah. Yeah.

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: Although, like, even into adulthood, one of the first things he did with my son, Joey, at three years old, taught him every word to the song, baby Gut Back.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Oh my God. Stop.

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: And he would just walk around singing it. Like even when he got to kindergarten and I ended up getting a call from the teacher, or like, Joey couldn't spell his own name, but Teddy taught him how to spell, but, and he wrote, but on everything in place of his name.

And it was like, Teddy, why are you doing this? But now I look back and I think like Teddy, thank you. Like, those are fun memories.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Yeah, like now it's [00:09:00] heartwarming now that you've obviously gone through the loss and it's so difficult as we all know, but yeah, it's, oh my gosh. It's funny because Teddy reminds me a lot of my brother. My brother was such a prankster too, and it was like everything was funny. Everything was a joke, and so you appreciate it. Later. I totally get that.

We hope you're enjoying this incredible episode of the Surviving Siblings Podcast. I'm your host, Maya Rother. We'll be back in just a minute after hearing from our incredible sponsor.

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2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: So tell us a little bit, so Teddy was obviously like this throughout your whole life together. So you guys went to high school together and like went to school together, right? This was like a very, you were so close in age.

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: we did. And I remember one of my like proudest moments in grammar school was I overheard somebody say to a boy who was going to do, knock my brother over. Oh no, you don't want to mess with him, his sister, kick your butt. And I remember feeling really proud of myself in that moment.

So he had stayed back in kindergarten. He repeated kindergarten 'cause he just wasn't like socially ready. So we were three years apart in school. So when I was a senior in high school, he was a freshman. And I do think sometimes that was difficult for him because as a rule follower and a perfectionist, [00:12:00] I was so focused on getting good grades and school wasn't something that came easily to him.

And I think sometimes people were like, well, why couldn't you be more like your sister? And I feel badly about that. 'Cause we're two totally different people.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Right. Yeah I connect with that too, Jen, because I think when you're in a family dynamic, which of course, everybody listening to this show has at least one sibling. So they understand that every person is very unique, right. And when your siblings, oftentimes you're compared, and it's doesn't always feel good.

It doesn't always feel good, and it can be challenging. And I've often thought about that with my own brother too. And there's me and then there's another sister that we're older than him, and then there's the baby and the family. And I always felt like he was, to all of us in different ways, he was no longer the baby.

But, so there's that identity questioning, and it's, it is difficult. It is

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: It is.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: to follow the oldest is not always [00:13:00] easy either. And I, we're old enough now, or we can look back and identify with that and understand that.

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: Absolutely. But also for me it was difficult like, because Teddy got away with so much and I would say Why? And they would say, because he's special, meaning like, we're lucky we even have him here. But to me, I heard Teddy is special and like one of my favorite pictures of us is I share it all the time on social media.

It's a picture of us at the beach in the summertime and I'm super tan and my hair is a mess and I have a scowl on my face. And there's little teddy, his, he's so pale and he's got this beautiful like blonde, angelic, curly hair and the little sweet smile. And I think this is the most. This is the epitome of us.

Like I look at this picture and there's sweet and special teddy, and then there's like the big brute, big [00:14:00] sister. So yeah,

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: And it's just like the, like you feel like that picture is just like all encompassing of how like the relationship felt and, yeah. Yeah.

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: and I've brought it up in therapy. And I've showed my therapist and I said like, this is like when I think of like the proof that Teddy was the good one and I'm not, my therapist was no, what I see is a sister, a really cute picture of two kids and the sister has her arm lovingly around her brother.

Which every photo that I have, pretty much of us, I have my arm around him. And that kind of helped me think of it a little bit differently, which was nice. So I can look at that picture now and not see like, here's the proof that Teddy. Was the good one and you're the bad one, but here's proof that you loved each other.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: That is so powerful. It's why I'm a huge fan of therapy. Like about it all the time. I wouldn't be here doing this show or having this community, Jen without therapy. It takes the right therapist. [00:15:00] Don't get

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: It does.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: but

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: It took me a very long time to find the one that was right for me.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: right. I think that's a huge point for people to know because I often hear people say like, I went once and it wasn't for me, and often I just feel that it's because it wasn't the right for you, it wasn't the right therapist because I think stylistically, I think also somebody who understands what you're going through.

Because how powerful was that session for you where you went in and you showed that picture and your therapist was able to reframe how you felt about that?

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: And I've said to her, I can never look at that picture in that old way again, because anytime I look at it, I think of what she said. And it was true. I loved him so much. And I know he loved me back. And so it, it was really. [00:16:00] Helpful, especially on my grief and healing journey

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Yeah.

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: because that survivor's guilt.

I'm always looking for the proof that the universe got it wrong, and I was trying to show her, see that thi this picture tells you why, and she said, no, this picture says you both should be here and that you love one another very much.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: So powerful. And you're gonna carry that with you for the rest of your life. Like what a gift.

So I wanna come back to your therapy work in a little bit, but I wanna ask you a few more questions.

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: Sure.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: I wanna go back to Teddy. So Teddy. Was born a preemie and had a twin. But you didn't know about this.

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: No.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: So how old were you when you found out that Teddy was a twin? I think this is in your story, so can you share a little bit about that with us, Jen?

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: I was [00:17:00] probably about seven or eight years old. And I figured it out on my own and asked my parents. It wasn't something that was talked about. I and then of course as a young kid I had all the questions like, well, where is he? And there was a grave at Local Cemetery. I had never been there.

I, in my entire life. I never saw it.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Wow.

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: we just, we didn't discuss, we didn't discuss it. We didn't discuss like once or twice my mother would say, oh my God, can you imagine if there were two of them? Because like Teddy would do things that were like so outrageous that you were like, if there were two of them, we would all be losing our minds.

But never talked about 'em.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: What an interesting thing for your mom to say though.

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: It,

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: there were two of them, right? It's like, I'm sure you look back and you're like, wait a second. [00:18:00] So you approached your parents and then they told you, you were

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: yeah. Yeah. And I was seven or eight, so I didn't even have the right, I was like, Hey, who's this? Like,

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: right. We're just like, at that age, we're just kids and we're just like, what's going on? Like, just tell me

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: what's this? And they were like, well, Teddy had a twin, they were born too early and he didn't survive. And that was all we talked about. And I imagine as parents, like I, I can't even imagine the depth of the grief that they felt,

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Of course,

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: For the loss of Joseph. But then watching Teddy grow up knowing that.

Half of him was missing.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: right? Because we know being siblings and also just talking so much in this community, a twin, less twin, like that's the phrase that I've learned in doing this. Work in this community. It's a big deal. And they feel that. Do you think, so [00:19:00] is a question to follow up on that. Do you think Teddy felt that in his life and did he know, or when did he find out that he was a

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: Yes.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Like what was that process?

You figured it out. Of course, detective, big sister figured it out.

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: yeah.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: about Teddy?

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: Obviously we didn't talk about anything in my house. That's just the culture right.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: it was the culture and the time.

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: And the time. Absolutely. So one of the things, when my parents cleaned out my brother's house and they were just gonna throw everything away, and I said no.

Like I, I would love to have his photo albums, like photo albums are so meaningful to me. And I also have all of our family albums. I remember I was looking for a specific photo of us one Easter where there was an Easter egg hunt. And I ran ahead and found all of the eggs and it's me smiling and laughing and then there's poor teddy crying 'cause he didn't find any eggs and I didn't shear any [00:20:00] eggs, but I could never find the photo.

And I said, mom, there's gotta be a missing album somewhere. And they were getting ready to paint and they cleaned out a closet and they found it and they sent it down to my house this past Christmas. And I was going through it and it included Teddy's first communion photos and they had like, one of the things that was in the album was a thing they had done in like the Sunday school of different things and things I would like to ask God.

And one of them was in his little, seven or 8-year-old handwriting if my brother Joseph is safe in heaven. And I just. I sat and just looked at it for hours. Like, like, I can't imagine like the enormity of what that little Teddy was feeling. And he wrote that. And like, I wondered did he get the answer?

Did anyone address it? Like, I have no idea.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Wow. is, that's an like, [00:21:00] and it's interesting that you felt so compelled to have that picture in, in that combination of pictures, it's like it's, it was almost like a gift that you were

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: it was a gift. And one of the things that anyone who's lost somebody can relate to is that finite number of photos. That's all you have for the rest of your life. And to get this album that I knew existed and I couldn't find it, and I remembered just one photo to see. An entire album of new photos that I had never seen before, or couldn't remember.

That was an enormous gift that I don't even think my parents realized the enormity of the gift.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Wow, Jen. Oh my gosh. So like, what a beautiful part of your story and Teddy's story. So as you [00:22:00] guys moved through, life, as life happens in high school and guys talk about Joseph then it wasn't really

Right? So

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: Never.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: moment. Wow. So take us forward. Take us forward to 2017.

We're gonna jump a little

Tell us what was Teddy like and what was he going through? Because those of you who have already, read our title and our show notes, know that we lost Teddy by suicide. So what was going on with Teddy? What was life like for him and for you, and take us there.

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: So we had lost our grandma Jenny just before New Year's in 2016. And growing up in this big family, she was like our one. She was our person and we spent most of our time at her house. And after my grand,

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: matriarch of the family.

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: yes. Yeah. Yes. And after her husband, my Papa Joe passed away. [00:23:00] Teddy who wasn't married, didn't have any kids, he worked a later shift at work.

He would often stop by my grandparents' house, make sure my grandma was all set, did you know, whatever she needed to be done. And I know she really looked forward to his visits. So he spent a significant amount of time with her before her decline. And that's important because, when you think back to what, what could have happened, I really think that losing her was a catalyst.

But then also in, at the end of March of 2017, his partner at work, Debbie lost a 20 year battle with cancer and they never had a romantic relationship. I think in part because of her illness. But I truly in my heart have always believed that they were soulmates. 

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Wow.

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: And. Like a little over a month later, he was gone, but

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: my gosh.

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: he seemed okay.

We talked [00:24:00] or texted every day. To be honest, I was the one who was struggling in the weeks leading up to his death. And

He was always trying to make sure that I was doing okay. And I never, like, I will always regret not saying like, Hey, how are you doing after Debbie? Like, can I support you? Like I never asked that. So when I got, when I learned that he had died by suicide, I was like, that doesn't make any sense. Like, he's fine.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Right.

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: He wasn't fine.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: What's interesting about. This like moving forward and loss can be so devastating as we all know on this show and community. And so losing the matriarch of your family and him spending so much time, and obviously all of you did, that's devastating. And then he had this soulmate [00:25:00] partnership at work. And I feel like as siblings, like we know when our sibling like deeply loves someone, even if they don't end up in a marriage or have kids or like we know, we're like, we see that spark in their eye. We see the commitment that's there. So I think it's interesting how you share that. And those are two devastating losses.

And if you are having a friendship, deep friendship with someone and you work with them, you're spending the majority of your time with that person.

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: Yeah.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Very intense. And so, and that's an, a deep anticipatory loss that he went through because she was battling. That's a lot. And I think what a testament to him that he was checking on you through all of this and making sure you were okay.

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: I know and it's one of those things that I use as that evidence of why he was the better of the two of us, because I was so wrapped up in my own stuff [00:26:00] that I wasn't even paying attention.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: But let me ask you this, Jen. So leading up to his death, he was asking you how you were doing and being there for you. And I think that's amazing. But had Teddy ever struggled with mental health or any, anything in his past? Was this something that you guys had talked about or he had openly shared or. He was struggling with, and fortunately this happens in silence. Right. Tell us a little bit about that in Teddy's

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: Well, so I've shared that he was bullied. And the level of bullying that happened was just outrageous. But in the early eighties, there was no consequence for bullying, which is why I was always fighting. And when I say. The level of bullying the worst. There were [00:27:00] two moments that broke him as a kid.

And one, I was riding my bike and I heard him calling for me, and I found him tied to a stop sign with firecrackers at his feet. And there were a group of like young teen boys, so I was maybe 10, so they were probably 15 and they were laughing, and I went into a white hot rage and I fought every single one of them.

And we went home and never spoke of it. And the other was, it wasn't just kids, it was adults too. My brother, one of the issues from his prematurity, his ears stuck out like pretty bad. Kids and adults would both call him Dumbo, as in the elephant, and. My parents had put him in a karate lessons to try to toughen him up, which wasn't about to happen, but there was a

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: eighties though, right?

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: Yeah.[00:28:00] 

Oh, absolutely. Yeah, this, there was no reenactment of the karate kid that's for sure. But I remember being at the studio during his lesson, and some dad said, Hey, Dumbo, when's the next flight to Florida? And so I turned around and I just punched the man in the stomach and,

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: You're the best. I just, I think you're the

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: well,

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: get you. 'cause I'm the oldest too, and

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: but,

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: I can say anything I want about my siblings but that's crazy. That's a parent

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: And so, but when the Dojo master, whatever asked, and my parents asked, I refused to say, because I didn't want. Teddy to get in trouble for not standing up for himself. So I just took the punishment and we never talked about it. So this bullying, I think, really impacted his self-esteem. And then when we got to high school I remember it was my freshman year in college and I got a call that, Teddy had [00:29:00] been bullied by a group of the football players and he was afraid and he brought a knife to school for protection and the kids were, had surrounded him and he had the knife out by his side and accidentally stabbed one of the boys in the hand.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: goodness.

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: 'Cause the boy went to punch him and he put his hand up to block. But what happened afterwards was that Teddy was arrested at the school in front of his classmates, put in a cell. At like 13 years old, they took his shoelaces away. And the other boys never got into trouble. 

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Can definitely affect you for life.

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: again, never discussed it in our family. It was like, okay, let's move on. And then my daughter, Abby was a baby. So probably about 2003. My [00:30:00] dad was traveling for work. My mom was away with her friends, and I got a call from the hospital in Boston saying that they had my brother Teddy there and that he had asked specifically for me and I wasn't understanding what was going on.

But he had attempted to take his own life at, on the Tobin Bridge in Boston. Because, but he,

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: sorry, Jen, how old was he at this point?

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: oh God, 2003, he was. Born in 1975. I don't do math. Is that in his thirties when he was, yeah. Yeah. But he, in his mind as his, he worked at the State House as a ranger. And he knew, I think, we had talked about it and he knew in his mind that if he went to the Tobin Bridge, the state police officers that he knew from the State House would be close by and they might be able to help him.

And they did. So he did inpatient program for a couple of weeks, [00:31:00] transitioned to outpatient. He joined aa, stopped drinking. Went back to normal Teddy. He is always physically active. He's still his same funny self. And that's how life went on for about 15 years. And.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: lot of trauma though, Jen.

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: It really is.

It really is. And I think that, the time that we lived in therapy was not recommended, popular, or even like, suggested. 

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Don't you feel like even at that time it was oh, if you're, oh, you're in therapy. Oh, like there's something wrong with

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: Well, and it was a big secret in my family that Teddy was inpatient in the hospital. And that bothered me because I felt like I'm not understanding, like, he's sick, he needs help. And

It's tough because when he did die and he died by suicide initially my parents weren't [00:32:00] going to have a service at all, of any kind. They wanted to keep. Everything is secret.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Right.

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: And one of my aunts said, what? How can we say goodbye? Like, and I'm glad that she asked that question to give us that opportunity.

We had a graveside service and only immediate family went to the funeral home. But over 400 people showed up at the graveside service and it effectively shut down the city. Hi. His graveside service shut down the city for the day. He touched that many lives in his 41 years.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: I can, I connect with a lot of this part of the story, Jen, because my. was similar because there was, it was not suicide, but there were shame because my brother had addiction and [00:33:00] drugs and all of that in his life. And so, the homicide, they wanted to keep a lot of things secret. I don't care.

That's why I talk about it publicly. I don't care. He deserves to be honored. Just like you're honoring your sweet brother Teddy. And the amount of messages that I received and the folks that asked me very similar to the question you got, how can I honor it? It fills my heart to this day to get that question.

How can I honor? I can't come, I can't. They there I think one day I'll probably do something bigger so people can come. But my parents didn't want anybody to come and it was such. It was heartbreaking for me because I knew how many lives my brother had touched as well, and so I'm glad for you that at least there was some place for their, for them to go.

But that's so difficult. That is so, so difficult. But there's so much I'm feeling so positive that we are moving in a better direction about [00:34:00] mental health, about, we're talking a lot about bullying on this episode,

We're bringing awareness to it and suicide because there's this, why are we shameful of this?

This is real. This has been going on for thousands of years. Like this is crazy that we're still feeling this way.

I wanna go back before we go forward.

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: Okay.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: So Jen, when you got the call. Who called you? We all this. So my very first episode on this show, as most of is called the call because that's the moment that changes our life.

We either give the call, we get the call, we get many calls. It depends on your circumstance, who called you, how did you find out, and what exactly happened with Teddy's suicide. If you can share that with us, that would be wonderful.

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: So I was out to dinner with my daughter and some of her classmates from a community play [00:35:00] she was doing. And I noticed on Facebook that one of our childhood friends was liking all of these old photos of Teddy. And I thought, oh, that, that's weird, but whatever. She's strange. So, and then I got home and my husband was just standing there and I said, what's wrong?

And we hadn't been speaking for weeks because I brought chickens home, like live chicks after he said not to. And so this was the first time we had spoken in weeks. And he said, Teddy's gone. And I go, what do you mean? What do you mean he is gone? Like, where did he go? And he said he died. And I don't remember much after that.

I just, we called Jimmy was out. My older son Jimmy was out with his friends. He was a senior in high school. We said, you need to come home now. And we told the two older [00:36:00] kids who were 15 and 17 at the time, and Joey was only six, he was in bed. So we waited until the next day. My par, my dad had called the house to tell us, so, and I called my parents.

Obviously they were not fit to talk. I said, I wanna come up. And they said, no, don't come up tonight, please just come up tomorrow morning. And that was the longest night of my life. 

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Of course,

Of us can relate to that. It's whew.

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: And then holding my breath for the hour ride from my house to my parents. Like,

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: So when did you find out what happened? Because you had mentioned in 2003 that Teddy had the bridge. when did you get to your parents' house and like when you just knew he was gone, but when did this all start to unfold for you?

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: so my mom was able to tell me enough, so [00:37:00] she and her friends were having a Cinco de Mayo party at my parents' house. My dad, as he normally did on a Friday night, had plans to go out to dinner with Teddy. They went every Friday. And Teddy was always punctual if not early. So when the time came and went, that Teddy didn't arrive to pick up my dad called him, tried to reach him, no answer.

Went over to Teddy's place, found him, and called 9 1 1. He didn't at that point realize that it was suicide. It wasn't until that first responders arrived and found presence of a gun and that, that's what I learned that night. And so the reason that my childhood friend was liking all those photos is because her mom, I.

Was at my mom's house when my dad [00:38:00] called and said Something happened. Something happened. I don't know what happened. 

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Let me do a detour question

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: yeah.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: a second. Did that piss you off a little bit? That, that she did that because, I'm sorry. That would've riled me up as the big cis over here. I would've been like, wait a second. 'cause that's a little premature

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: Yeah. And it pissed me off thinking like, why did she know before I knew.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: spoken like a true cis right there.

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: And then like, even my brother's best friend the next day had PO started to post something on Facebook. Because he drove, he had plans with my brother and when he got there, there were all sorts of emergency vehicles outside. And he asked. And I said, John, like, please take it off of Facebook.

We need to tell our, we haven't even told our family. And it was it, he understood, but I think in the moment he was just [00:39:00] so heartbroken and he was expressing that, but like, especially in a Sicilian family, if you find out about your relative's death on Facebook from some third party, like not a good look.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: But you had empathy for him. 'cause 

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: I did.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: the same kind of place and so I think you handled that beautifully. But with her, with the liking and all of that it's gonna, of course, it's gonna jolt you if you're like, hang on a second, what's going

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: Yeah.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: So, yeah I think, again, I think I just had to ask about that because

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: No, absolutely.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: as big sisters and I'm like, hang on a second.

That would make me so upset if I didn't. Yeah,

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: The thing that upset me even more than that, and I try to have empathy for my family. My family is very close. We always have been. But when I got to my parents' condo, I didn't even have the chance to give them a hug [00:40:00] before family arrived. And so I, I have always, and I wrote about this I've always felt robbed of a moment that could have been healing for my parents.

Even if our extended family was there with only the purest of intentions, I still feel robbed. And that's. Something that I've always been angry about and only recently in writing about it, have I been able to really process what that meant and really understand where they were coming from.

But as a far as the friend liking the photos before I even got home and learned like, I will, that's, I will hold that till like the day I die.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Yeah. I connected with you immediately on that because I was like, hold on a second. I would totally be there. But I also, I think it's, thank you for sharing [00:41:00] that about your family though, because I get that and something we talked about pretty early on in our show. There's a great guest that shared with me, PO like more of the positive 'cause a lot of families get really torn apart from losing, which, it's a child, which is our sibling, but she shared with me this concept of a grief bubble and when the immediate family is able to bond and connect right away when the loss is happening, you're able to live and coexist in this grief bubble.

And I feel like that's what you were robbed of. immediate grief bubble where it's like, okay, we're together and okay, now we can handle the secondary family. And the more, and with you being Sicilian, of course it's gonna be the big fam. It's like that whole vibe. So I think I, again I feel this very personally for you. I understand why you feel that way. You didn't get to insert yourself into that grief bubble before you guys were exposed to everyone else. [00:42:00] You know that it is in your life, but still, so I get that. I

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: And then in the time after the services, we went back to, we don't talk about anything and it was. Jennifer, you need to be strong for your parents. And I, I didn't know how else to be. And so I really think that moment it impacted my ability to process and impacted the amount of time it took me to even come out of initial shock.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: You feel like your shock was prolonged because of that? Just even having that moment of what I like to call the grief bubble.

Kind of love circle you felt prolonged. How long do you think you stayed? Maybe even in shock and denial, right? In that phase.

How long do you think you were there?

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: Almost three years.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Yeah, I get it.

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: It was until the [00:43:00] pandemic.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: So what happened during the pandemic? That. We all know what happened during the pandemic. Okay. That's a silly

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: Well, well.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: for you? Right? That's a like a 12 hour podcast. Right? But what happened for you during the pandemic? Because I think it's interesting, we're almost at the same grief timeline, which is I love doing interviews, which sounds funny to people, but where we're on a similar timeline, because for me, I connect with you on that, Jen, even though we lost your brothers in different ways, it's sudden it's traumatic and it's also guns lost, so that's there as well.

But it's, I, three years was a big one for me too. It was like four years I started to, as you guys know my story, but with the pandemic, it was horrific for all of us, of course. But you're really forced to sit with your thoughts and process. So how did that impact your grief journey? Is that similar for you?

Or was there a moment, like, talk us through that, because it sounds like that was a significant moment

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: [00:44:00] so one thing to know about Teddy is Teddy was prepared for everything and if there was somebody who was meant to survive the COVID-19 pandemic with like grace and humor it was Teddy and I remember when. We first start, like years before Teddy had said, in case there's ever an emergency, here's what you need to have in your basement.

And I had some of it in my basement which my kids always laughed at. They called it my apocalypse shelf. And then here we are, here's an apocalypse. But the part that wasn't funny is that in the time between Teddy's death and the pandemic is I did what I knew how, what I had learned my whole life.

And that was to forget about it, to stuff down the failings, to not talk about it, be strong for my kids, be strong for my family. And in that time I really, I lost myself. I gained almost a [00:45:00] hundred pounds. I had stopped sleeping. I was sleeping maybe about an hour. A night. And my coping skills were horrible.

All the bad things, shopping, eating, drinking but they were also in self-harm. They were all things that required secrecy. And so now with the pandemic, everybody's home. I live in a, a Cape Cod style house. It's not huge. We were on top of each other every minute of every day. And I was ab, I was about to explode.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: It. And you were going through all these struggles, but like, you're we're in a fish tank now in

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: Right?

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: and so.

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: And I'm not going to do any of these. Horrible behaviors, these terrible coping skills that I don't want my kids to develop, but I'm not going to do them in front of them. So what can I do? The only thing I could do was run away. I [00:46:00] took my, I only had one dog at the time. I took Penelope and I was like, we're going for a walk.

And I remember my family looking at me like a walk, like, you're gonna leave the house and like, take a step. Like my son in high school was a fantastic runner. And I would joke like, you couldn't pay me enough to run. If so, if you ever see me run, assume there's something chasing me. And so the distance from my driveway to the end of my street is about 700 feet.

And I was so unhealthy mentally, physically spiritually, I had to take breaks. I couldn't make the 700 feet. And during that walk I talked to my brother and none of it was nice. The mostly swears like, how could you leave me to do this by myself? I cannot do life without you. But what I found when I got home is I felt a little [00:47:00] calmer.

And so every day, and I, my only goal was to go one telephone pole further and until I made it around the block, which I had lived there for 17 years and had never left my street. And over that time I started to feel better. Physically. I was losing some of the weight. I was sleeping a little bit more, but also my conversations with Teddy became kinder.

And I remember. One of the first times I made it around the block and I was listening to music, and there a song came on from David Bowie. Rebel. Rebel. And I just stopped and I just started to cry. But in a good way, I was happy because when we were little and our bedroom doors faced one another.

And so when we were punished, it was you were sent to your room, no toys, nothing. And we would sit in our doorways and whoever was in trouble, we would tease one another [00:48:00] and sing that, the chorus of that, to one another as like a way to get under each other's skin. And I thought, yeah, Ted, like, yeah, you got me.

Yep. Thanks you, and that, that's how I started to heal. But it was three years later and I've shared so many times that three years from 2017 to 2020. I have very few memories. I see photos and I don't remember being there, or there are things that, that happened and I remember bits and pieces.

I don't re I have very few memories from those three years and I feel like in so many ways I wasn't living. I was just there.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: I, so when before we hit record, like we were talking a little bit about this, Jen and I were just chit-chatting as I do with my amazing guests. And I connect with that too [00:49:00] because it was like I, and 2018, especially those two years for me, Jen, I so connect with that. I look back and I actually had a friend share some pictures of me at my brother's celebration of life.

'cause you're not sitting there taking pictures like, yay, your person's dead. They came and they had pictures and they shared them with me recently. don't remember. I don't know that girl. I don't even look like the same person. Obviously we age guys. That's not what we're talking about.

But it's like nobody was home. No like vacant,

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: Yeah.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: And so I connect with that. And I think what's really, I. Inspiring about what you're sharing too, Jen, is have this big pressure on timeline. Everybody's like, okay, oh my God, I'm approaching a year. Why am I not over it? Or I'm approaching, oh my God, I'm in the second year and this feels like hell. It's hard. This, these losses are extremely difficult, especially a loss like Teddy's [00:50:00] suicide, where there are so many unanswered questions and you have a lot of anger and pain and you're, the reality is we're never going to get all the answers. We're never going to get the closure that we're constantly seeking because society puts this pressure on us.

Get closure, move on. Live your life. You can still live your life, though. You're not going to like, I don't really believe in this concept of closure and you're gonna get all the answers. And so I just love what you've shared, Jen, you were like, that's it. I'm getting outta the house. 'cause you were coping in ways that were not positive.

And I did the same thing. I'm like, yep, did that. I'm so connecting with your story. But this actually went even further for you because Jen, you run now.

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: I do.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: So just walking the 700 feet and then to the next telephone pole and then around the block, and then this evolved for you.[00:51:00] 

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: It did.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: you've gotten involved in so many communities.

So is that how it all started? And so take us through how, and now you run like that's, this is amazing.

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: Which I always say that me running is. Like my brother did pranks all the time. Like this is one of his biggest practical jokes ever. I have become a runner because of him. Like in high school we were both on the cross country team. It was a horrible team. We were like the bad news bears and it was a small Catholic high school outside of Boston.

And our coach was a nun, SI sister Nancy. And she would run behind us because sometimes kids would get rides or go into the cemetery to smoke cigarettes like we were that kind of team. So the fact that I'm running it all is like, I wonder sometimes what Sister Nancy would be thinking or, and I know that Teddy is laughing, but during the pandemic I had been involved in a [00:52:00] Samaritans walk in Boston.

Samaritans is a suicide prevention organization. I. Before the pandemic. And I wanted to do their virtual 5K, which I remember that first 5K that I walked with my family. I, my feet were blistered for weeks afterwards. But I thought like, how can I make this meaningful? Because like, we're all separate, we're nobody's together.

And I thought, you know what, in Teddy's lifetime, he would've walked a thousand miles if it meant helping one person, even if he didn't know them. So maybe I'll dedicate the first 5K of each day to somebody lost by suicide. 'Cause at that point I was walking sometimes 10 miles a day. And I put out in a Facebook group, a suicide loss group that I wanted to do this in.

Within minutes my inbox was filled. And I realized I could [00:53:00] walk every day for the rest of my life and only touch a handful of people. And it was important for me to share not how each individual died, but how they lived, the things that made them special. Because my brother's life isn't defined by his death.

It's defined by every little moment of kindness and humor that he brought. So with each walk I dedicated, I shared a photo and I asked the families like, what do you miss most? And when the month was over, I thought, well, suicide prevention month is over, but people still need support. And maybe this is helping somebody, maybe.

'cause I always shared, the crisis line or resources. And so I thought, these miles have been really healing. Let's continue this. And so I called it healing miles, and for a while I did it every single day. And that [00:54:00] gets heavy because I carry each of these families with me.

And you don't forget them. Like even if I'm scrolling on social media and I see a face and I recognize, oh, that's Patrick, his mom, Cindy misses his smile and his laugh and his, he loved his dogs. And so I started doing more dedicating, like I would do a race and dedicate each mile or during mental health month in May and suicide prevention month in September.

Every day is dedicated, but that gave me space. So I didn't get kind of compassion burnout but also still lets me do something. I feel like I'm in service to the. To the greater community in a way that honors how my brother lived as when, during his lifetime.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: I love this, Jen. Yeah. Thank you for sharing.

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: Thank you.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: that, and I relate to that too because you just connect so deeply with [00:55:00] loved ones and the families and what they've been through because you've been through it. And so there's just an empathy that opens in your heart when you're called to do something like this. And can't, you were like doing one every day. That's a lot. That's a lot. So I love that you were like, okay, let, like how do I

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: Well, and that's my personality. It's always all in, if I'm going to do something I'm just gonna do it. Which is why, like, one of my first races, like, oh, I'm gonna run, I for the first time since 1990, oh, I'm gonna do the Boston Marathon.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Oh my God.

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: I applied to run Boston.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: person. Yes. Okay. You're

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: And I remember like my parents saying we don't think this is a good idea. Like, yes, you are walking, but you haven't run since. Like Vanilla Ice was popular. And my, my, my big kids were like, [00:56:00] mom I don't know, you might get hurt. Like, everyone was like, this is a terrible idea.

And then there was my youngest who was like, you are gonna win and you're gonna give everybody the middle fingers. And I said, well, I'm probably not gonna win, but I promise you I will give everyone the middle finger when I finish. Which is why if you follow me on social media, a lot of my running photos include a middle finger.

Because everyone was like this. This is the most terrible idea I've ever heard, except for him and my best friend who I've known since we met freshman year in high school. And so she knew my brother very well, and she knows my personality and was like, yeah, you got this. Like, go ahead, do it. 

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: You did. And you've been doing it, so how, so obviously yes, with those two monumental months, right? Like May and September, those are big ones [00:57:00] in mental health and suicide for sure. Do you, so do you run every day, Jen? Like, what does your life look like now for this?

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: So, yeah.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: There are like big runs that happened during that time period.

Like what does life now look like

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: Yeah. Right now I'm at an InBetween. I got some. Freak virus. In October, I was training for an ultra marathon and I was running a marathon. I had run before but I didn't feel great and I stopped at a water stop and, several months in and out of a hospital till they figured I had some virus.

I wasn't able to breathe, I wasn't able to run. So, I promised my doctor that I would not schedule a race for every month this year. But I had one in March in Virginia Beach. It's a half marathon. I've done it with my girlfriends before and I really wanted to do it and it had a long time limit.

So I said, if I have to walk, most of it I can. So right now I am rebuilding from being sick, but [00:58:00] during my, like normal time, I run probably three, four times a week. Lift weights, I walk I was not an active person in my adult life before I lost my brother. I loved having television marathons and I one time was gonna buy one of those stickers that said 0.0.

I don't run. Like, it's just who I was. And now I don't want to be stuck in the house. I love to be out doing things. So right now I don't have any races planned, which is a little scary. But I know that I'll be back running a race at some point, at least in July. So.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: I have full confidence in you. I am completely inspired by you because I was a runner for many years, and then I had a really horrible car accident. So I'm trying to build back up to running. So this is the perfect inspirational episode for me right now because after losing my brother, running was such a cathartic [00:59:00] outlet for me.

And I had a car accident two years after his death and I couldn't anymore. And so that's my goal. And I feel like you were meant to be here to inspire me today that I can get there again. But Jen, I think that's amazing and I think it's really amazing the organizations that you've been involved with.

And we're gonna talk about where people can find you and thank you for sharing Teddy's story, just in your story, obviously. So

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: Thank you.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: suicide is such a difficult topic to talk about. And also, just what you mentioned about like, the time where you grew up and like, even me growing up in the nineties, like there was a lot of shame around this loss, right?

A lot of shame around suicide, addiction, just all these different types of losses that we highlight on this show. And I think it's so important that we're just raw and open and share about it because there is no shame. This is a very real thing and it happens every single day.

We talk about it and the more we bring light to it, that's how we're gonna help people like Teddy, [01:00:00] right?

And all of your siblings out there,

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: Absolutely. And when I first started sharing on social media, I do think that my family immediate and extended were uncomfortable with that. And that first Boston Marathon where I was every day po I was very open. I'm a writer, that's what I've always done. And so I shared on social media how I'm feeling, how I'm managing through the grief journey how others have helped me or things like, I very open with kind of everything that's going on.

And after that first Boston Marathon my dad, I remember my dad said thank you. And I think that my healing journey has helped them in some ways because even if they are not really open about it, I think that this has given them space. To be open in their hearts with it. And my [01:01:00] only goal is if sharing Teddy's story helps just one person reach out when they're in crisis, then it's worth sharing every day.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Yeah. Yeah. I connect with that too because I'm definitely the, obviously I'm the vocal one in my family, and it makes a lot of my family really uncomfortable. But as years have gone on, different family members have stepped up and said, you know what? It's not for me, but thank you for doing this.

And like, I get what you're doing. And like, my brother would be really proud. And I, and that, that's been amazing. And it's really uncomfortable in the beginning because, but this is the way we express our grief, Jen,

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: It is.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: While we have to respect them, they need to respect us too.

And I think it's really wonderful that you've come to a place in your family. Because I do feel like there has to be a voice in the family, and I guess we're just the voices, I guess that's where we're,

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: They're pretty vocal.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: yeah, we're pretty vocal. [01:02:00] We're the eldest gals. Of course. We're gonna be the vocal ones. Oh my gosh.

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: Yeah.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Jen, let me ask you this and then we'll talk about where people can find

So, you have a website, you have so many things that people can follow you on. What would be one piece of advice maybe that we haven't talked about yet, that you would give someone listening? Because we have so many listeners that have lost a sibling by suicide and or, there's moms, there's dads there's friends that listen to our show so that they can help those siblings that have lost, because sometimes we're not ready to listen to

Like this.

What's some advice that you would give that we haven't talked about yet?

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: I think as a sibling regardless of the type of loss, I wish that someone had told me, you don't have to be strong. For your parents, because you're grieving too. And I want people to know like, you don't have to hold your family together. You don't have to be the strong one. Feel. Allow yourself the space and the time to feel [01:03:00] everything and you're going to feel absolutely everything.

And sometimes you'll feel every emotion all at once. And not only is that okay, but it's normal.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: I agree with you completely. Yeah. I think we take on so much, and you have shared this throughout your story too about, shoving things down and not expressing, and it's something I hear about all the time, and I think especially with this loss with. Suicide. There's so much around this.

So I think that's beautiful advice. Jen. Jen, where can folks connect with you? Tell us your website, your social handles. I know again, you're a writer. You're very active. I know you're gonna work on a book, so maybe we'll have you come back when that happens, but so much going on. So tell us where

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: Yeah, so my website is just jennifer.com. I do not like the name Jennifer and only my grandmother ever called me that, so I don't know why I didn't just do Jen [01:04:00] Hawaii, but, so it's jennifer ho.com and on Instagram it's Jen and Pen, which people think is because I'm a writer, but it's because of my dog, Penelope, which my kids call my favorite child.

And then, yes, so the publishing a book and the goal is for it to be published for my brother's 50th birthday a love letter to my brother to celebrate the birthday. He should be here celebrating with me. And that will be out in July.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: That's amazing. And when you guys are listening to this will be June, so it'll be right before then.

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: Awesome.

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: That's perfect.

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: it will be listed on my website? Yeah. Yes. 

2025-04-11--t04-18-17pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Jen, thank you so much for sharing your story and Teddy stories with us. Like we, it was just amazing having you here.

2025-04-11--t04-18-18pm--guest248292--jen-hoye: Thank you so much for having me. I appreciate it.

Thank you so much for listening to the Surviving Siblings Podcast. If you enjoyed this episode [01:05:00] as much as I did creating it for you, then share it on your chosen social media platform. And don't forget to tag us at Surviving Siblings Podcast so that more surviving siblings can find us. Remember to rate, review and subscribe to the podcast.

And don't forget to follow us on all social media platforms. We're on Instagram, Twitter, and TikTok at Surviving Siblings Podcast. All links can be found in the show notes, so be sure to check those out too. Thank you again for the support. Until the next episode, keep on surviving my surviving siblings.