Going into year five of losing my brother to a homicide, thanks to Detective G I already had most of the answers I was looking for, but in the middle of a global pandemic, I felt like I was regressing in my grief journey. I went through a mixture of...
Going into year five of losing my brother to a homicide, thanks to Detective G I already had most of the answers I was looking for, but in the middle of a global pandemic, I felt like I was regressing in my grief journey. I went through a mixture of feelings, excited because of my entrepreneurial journey but sad at the same time.
In this episode, I’m talking about the evolution of my grief journey, how my brother came to me in dreams several times to deliver messages, my spiritual journey, why I decided to get a sunflower tattoo, and how I found out that we had a name: surviving siblings, why I felt compelled to seek out a medium and how I found him.
In this episode I’m covering:
For full episode show notes and transcript, click here
Grief Guide by Maya Roffer
Get The Grief Guide for Surviving Siblings here
YouTube | Andreas Roffler
Connect with Maya
TikTok | @survivingsiblingspodcast
Twitter | @survivingsibpod
Website | The Surviving Siblings
[00:00:00] welcome to the surviving siblings podcast. I'm your host, [00:00:10] Maya Roffler as a surviving sibling myself. I knew that I wanted to share my story. My brother's story. I lost my [00:00:20] brother to a homicide in November, 2016. And after going through this experience, I knew that I wanted to share my story [00:00:30] and his story.
[00:00:31] And it's taken me quite some time to come to the mic to tell it, but I knew it was an important one to tell. So here I am to share [00:00:40] his story and mine with you. And it's important that I tell the story of the surviving sibling, the forgotten Warner, the story that is [00:00:50] not told enough. So thank you for coming with me on this journey and thank you for listening to my story.[00:01:00]
[00:01:02] Grief hits us in waves. And even though I had received this [00:01:10] incredible amount of information and answers from detective G in 2020, and I felt like [00:01:20] I had been given. So much from him and being told that there's really no [00:01:30] such thing as closure, but we just crave answers and getting that knowledge from him and that empathy and depth, but also the answers [00:01:40] was huge, but I felt grief come across me again at year five and year five was of course, 2020.[00:01:50]
[00:01:50] And as a world, you know, we're in a world pandemic, it was affecting me deeply. As I've [00:02:00] shared as an extrovert, it was really affecting me. I'm growing my business at the time. I was starting to have more than [00:02:10] one business and I do now, of course, but I felt like, yes, I had received the answer. [00:02:20] And I felt like that that was right and true.
[00:02:24] And detective G was so spot on with that, like that, that quote, [00:02:30] that phrase just, oh God, it still hangs with me on a daily basis, but you're five hit me really hard. And I was like, it was. Uh, [00:02:40] a process. It was like almost like a plant B you know, rebirthing itself. And I was [00:02:50] beginning to be fascinated again with the grieving process.
[00:02:53] And I almost started to fear that I was regressing. Which I'm sure some of you [00:03:00] can relate to if you're further along in your grief journey. And if you guys are just starting out your grief journey, you're probably like, oh my God. I feel like I'm just like, I can't get out of bed some days I'm really [00:03:10] struggling.
[00:03:10] Like I started to go through that again. Like I was doing some of the things that I was struggling with back then, like, You know, sometimes when, you know, going [00:03:20] out drinking a little too much, or, you know, at night drinking a whole bottle of wine or I'm like, okay, what's going on here? Like, I'm kind of regressing a little bit, but I realize now, [00:03:30] like, Nope, it's not regressing.
[00:03:32] It's the evolution of grief. It's jury, it's the ebb and flow. And kind of like, like I was mentioning with this life [00:03:40] cycle of a plant, like you kind of go under and then you come back up and you grow, you know, you're kind of like a. Uh, plant. And so coming back up again, coming [00:03:50] back to life, and I felt like I was back under the ground again.
[00:03:53] That's what I felt like. And so I got kind of fascinated with that and [00:04:00] ingrained in that mindset because I always seek to understand, I wanted to know. And I kind of felt [00:04:10] like there was a little bit more to know about my, my brother and his journey. And there was only so many answers I could get out of like the factual side.
[00:04:18] I felt like, okay, let's tap into [00:04:20] the spiritual. And so I, you know, I started taking some classes and I had some coaches and some mentors and I started doing some meditating and my [00:04:30] brother, my brother was visiting me in some dreams. And it's interesting because my brother. I didn't mention this on previous episodes, but my brother was [00:04:40] always coming to me when.
[00:04:42] Like when there was family news. And so I, both of my sisters have children and my [00:04:50] sister who's a year younger than me had a child in 2020. And my brother visited me in 2019 when I was really struggling and feeling like I failed him. He visit. Quite [00:05:00] often in 2019. And there was one dream where he visited me and it was like very gossipy.
[00:05:06] I was like, oh, your sister, like [00:05:10] that, the one that's a year younger than you, she's going to have a child. That's going to be a boy and telling me all these things. And I'm like, okay, whatever Andreas. He was always like the gossip. He was always the funny one in the family. [00:05:20] Oh, it was so true. She did. She had a son in 2020 and.
[00:05:26] I mean, it still weirds me out to this day [00:05:30] and he came to me again and told me about my other sister, having a child too, and a low behold, I see her on social media and she's [00:05:40] with child. And I knew it was going to be a boy chair because he told me that too. It was weird. So stay connected to your loved ones because they will [00:05:50] appear to you.
[00:05:50] But I was really getting into like meditating and like, I am, for those of you who know me or will get to know me, I'm not a meditating [00:06:00] person. I am like, so high energy, so extroverted, like I've really had to struggle to try to get into. Those states of mind, because slowing down my mind and slowing, like [00:06:10] being present in the moment, it's been really positive for me, but it's also opened me up to being connected to him and connected to myself, which is so important and also [00:06:20] helping with my physical body and what I described in my previous episodes, going through the accident that I went through because I couldn't, I was a runner for a long time and I can't run anymore.
[00:06:28] So that changed my [00:06:30] physical body and how I was. So super tiny. So it really had to change all these things. I was able to start to kind of connect with him. Like not [00:06:40] even in dream anymore, it was just like, I can slow my mind down and like, I can feel him and like, he will come to me and I'm by no means like a psychic medium or [00:06:50] anything like that.
[00:06:50] But I do think you can connect to your loved ones and they will. There. So I believe in it, I, I hear other people say it all the time and it's true. [00:07:00] My brother has flower is a sunflower and I never used to see those ever anywhere. They're all over the place now. Like they show up everywhere, like randomly, [00:07:10] there's like, um, next door to my house, this sunflower popped up growing.
[00:07:15] I live in the city, like weird. I mean, I can tell you so many stories of [00:07:20] that. Um, and then, um, Monarch, butterflies. And they show up in random places. Or like, I just, the other day I went to go buy my girlfriend, some flowers. I was going to her house, [00:07:30] her new house for the first time. And I picked up the flowers to get them for her.
[00:07:33] And there was this like fake little Monarch butterfly stuck in there. You know, it was like a decoration, just weird stuff like [00:07:40] that, that like, and I looked in the other flowers and there wasn't one, there was like different butterflies in the other ones. Why did I pick that one? Like, I wasn't. Making a conscious choice.[00:07:50]
[00:07:50] So, you know, those are just random examples, but there's ones, you know, where it's just been freaky, like just weird, you [00:08:00] know, um, things that have happened. And I've also asked him for assigned to, and I'll like, turn the corner and then there's a. [00:08:10] You know, sign up for my brother or like I've asked for a sign and then, you know, Goo Goo Dolls are playing.
[00:08:14] And that was like always his music. He dance to his kid. I know it sounds funny, but it's, [00:08:20] you know, I'm sure you guys can relate to this, think of those things and they will show you like that's, I believe that's how they speak to you. So I became very 2021 was a very spiritual [00:08:30] time for me, but it was also like this sad time.
[00:08:33] I think of it. Like, again, that's a plant underground and I was feeling. It was a mixture of things. I was excited about my [00:08:40] business and then also like emotionally going through a lot. And I'm like, why is your fight hitting me so hard? Like, this is really weird. So I went through coping [00:08:50] again and I was like, you know what, I'm going to add to my tattoo.
[00:08:54] And so I decided that I was going to get, um, the sunflower for my brother and, um, [00:09:00] arose. Because that is, my mom had a flower for each one of us, which is where my brother's a sunflower and I'm a rose and my sisters are [00:09:10] a Lily and a violet. So. I was like, I'm going to do the two of us together. I'm going to have him be the bigger one is the sunflower, because you know, he has [00:09:20] passed and I'll be the rose.
[00:09:20] That's still living and still has a lot of life to live and have that next to the thing. So I, that was one thing I did. Cause I was like, you know, it's [00:09:30] much bigger tattoo than the other one. I got a lot braver, but ball's here now, but I had to reschedule multiple times cause I got so busy with my. [00:09:40] And this is an interesting story.
[00:09:41] And so I ended up not really paying attention to the date and I get there finally. And this tattoo artist is [00:09:50] super awesome. Like he really specializes in a couple of things in one thing as flowers. And so we had mocked up the design and I just super, I was obsessed with that. I love, I still love it, which is good.
[00:09:59] It's on your [00:10:00] body. And I've been super anti tattoo, like a lot of my life, as I've mentioned earlier. An earlier podcast. And then, you know, that all went out [00:10:10] the window when you go through like loss and I'd always had it like on my boyfriends and it wasn't a big deal. And like, my husband has a ton of tattoos, but just for [00:10:20] me, I could never make the commitment.
[00:10:21] And then it was like lost my brother. I'm like, okay, ashes in my body. Here we go. Like, totally let's do this. And now I have like these huge flowers. So I'm laying near, [00:10:30] you know, it takes a couple of hours to do these big tattoos. Is those of you. Big tattoos. No, even a little tattoo, you know, it takes time.
[00:10:38] So we assume they're talking to me about [00:10:40] it and I'm like, yeah, tier five, it's really hitting me. And he kind of like looks at me and he's listening to a story. It's like, this was me practicing. I didn't realize sharing the story very openly. And he [00:10:50] kind of like stops at one point. And he was like very persistent about going and I'm.
[00:10:54] Deal pretty well with pain. I think no offense guys, but I think women deal pretty well with pain. And a lot of you guys do [00:11:00] well with the tattoos too. I mean, my, my husband's like totally tatted up on the back, but anyway, he like stops tattooing and I'm like, what? Like, what's the deal? And he's like, [00:11:10] today's like the fifth.
[00:11:11] And I'm like, okay, like, he's like, no, like it's May 5th. And I was like, [00:11:20] You might not think that's weird, but I think as surviving siblings, like there are signs and I didn't pick that day. Like he picked [00:11:30] that day. So it was the fifth year on the fifth month of the fifth day. Yeah. And it [00:11:40] freaked me out a little bit.
[00:11:40] So again, it was just like a sign. Like, I, I really, I believe in this stuff I really do. And so this year, like 2021 was very spiritual that [00:11:50] year. And so I would, I would get, you know, again, I had dreams with him in the past visiting me, and then I had a very [00:12:00] specific dream that happened. So again, got my tattoo, loved it.
[00:12:04] We'll post pictures. Uh, and if you follow me on social, you can see it. And I love sharing and I've had people [00:12:10] reach out. And so if you guys have sunflower tattoos too, which I think is so cool, um, I love that. I love the commemoration. I think it's a beautiful way to commemorate your loved one, if [00:12:20] that's your thing.
[00:12:20] But I had my brother visiting me quite frequently because I kind of opened this up. So I think. [00:12:30] Um, again, I'm not a therapist, I'm not a spiritual guru, but this I'm getting into spiritual stuff here. So I kind of have to give that disclaimer, but if you're open to this, [00:12:40] if you're not, you know, it's cool. I definitely became open to this because I had gotten these, you know, the logical answers that I needed [00:12:50] that I needed.
[00:12:52] So you have to go on your journey of what you need, but I got those in what I needed. I'm still, I still go through moments where I'm angry and I want more answers. [00:13:00] Yes, absolutely. Do I know that that's enough answers to know that I know exactly what happened for the most part. Yeah, I do. I know, I know what happened.[00:13:10]
[00:13:11] As I laid out in the previous episode, I know what happened. Um, you know, detective G filled in enough blanks. I mean, it's pretty [00:13:20] obvious, obviously he was murdered and I got enough information from, you know, the cryptic messages and phone calls and things like that. And I knew it was, [00:13:30] and, you know, I don't know if I felt that in the previous episode, but I knew it was over $600, which is disgusting. And so I really needed to go on this more of a [00:13:40] spiritual side of the journey for me, because I personally do. I believe in God, I do. That's my personal belief, but whatever you believe in the universe, [00:13:50] God, I believe in, in more of a universe way, this is just me sharing personally with you.
[00:13:54] But whatever you believe in whatever spiritual journey you want to go on, I do believe believing you [00:14:00] connecting in whatever way you want to. My journey in 2021. So I was meditating and connecting and he would come through to me a lot in dreams. Cause they [00:14:10] kind of opened this. I don't know how else to say it sounds, maybe sounds cheesy to you guys, but portal to him.
[00:14:17] Um, so he was with me a lot, um, [00:14:20] so much so that I would have, and this happens to me now. I have like people who have like that are mediums come up to me and [00:14:30] talk to me about him. Which I'm going to talk about at, towards the end of this episode, but, um, it, yeah, they'll come up and talk to me about him and [00:14:40] it's really wild, but I didn't realize what I was doing in the beginning with that.
[00:14:44] And I'm okay with it now, but it got, it was a little bit much to start out with because [00:14:50] he was around me and like, I was starting to like, you know, in my meditation, it's like, he would speak to me about like things I would ask him, like questions, you know, how do you feel about, you know, [00:15:00] Just business stuff.
[00:15:02] I would talk to her and bounce things off. And it's interesting because he, this is very personal, but I want to share it. I want to be really open and raw, and [00:15:10] this is how he was, this is a little bit of me channeling him into this. He appears to me. In, um, like when I see him in [00:15:20] dreams most of the time and when I meditate and see him and I'm in this meditative state, which I never thought I would get to this place where I do these kinds of things, but [00:15:30] he appears to me typically in overalls and he has.
[00:15:34] Blond or here and he's young. So I know that's like when his happiest time was, I had to kind of like read [00:15:40] on that and learn about that from a few like coaches and mentors, because I didn't really understand. I'm like, why does he look so young? And like, he died when he, when he was 27, he was super young, but I didn't really understand that, [00:15:50] but he's kinda always bouncing around as a kid.
[00:15:51] And like, when I went to where his ashes are and everything at the Creek, um, this past year by myself for the first time I just went by [00:16:00] myself. That was like a huge thing too. That was interesting. And I meditated, I sat there and then year before this happened though, too, I didn't go by myself, but I, I could, like, [00:16:10] he came to me like it was a huge thing.
[00:16:12] And this might sound a little woo for some of you so sorry if it does, but like, this was a part of the journey. 2021 was the spiritual part of the journey for [00:16:20] me. And I learned that like, that's how he appears like kind of like a huckleberry Finn type of person, but like that's when him and I were happiest.
[00:16:29] And we, when [00:16:30] we, when we connected. Really really strong as children, like really bonded, like used to like sleep in bunk beds together, even in the same bed, sometimes like really young kids. [00:16:40] So it started to make sense and connect. At one point I had a dream. This is one of them. Vivid dreams I [00:16:50] have of him after, after passing.
[00:16:53] Um, there's, there's so many, uh, this is why I'm like, oh my gosh, I can't fit this all in a podcast. It's going to have to probably roll into [00:17:00] a book, but this is, this is crazy. All of the stuff that's come out. And I appreciate you guys listening to this, and I hope it's helping you as a surviving sibling or as a supporter.[00:17:10]
[00:17:10] But I. Remember being really connected and really opening up. And he came to me in the stream and it was an intense dream. It [00:17:20] was, I couldn't tell if it was real or not. And I'm sure you guys have had those. It typically will happen to like right after they pass or a couple months after they pass, I had a couple [00:17:30] of those where like I thought he was still alive and then he wasn't.
[00:17:33] And I'm sure you've gone through that. Like, or you've connected with that. If that's happened to you, like how to dream that had a lot of this. [00:17:40] And the first, you know, 2017 that first, like a year, I still think he was alive. I'd wake up. And that was like, this was kind of like that, but not. So what [00:17:50] happened in the dream?
[00:17:51] I thought it was real. I thought he was alive again, but like logically enough time had passed where I could kind of get myself out of it when I woke up. But you were in this [00:18:00] home, it was very contemporary and he was like, his head was down and. A little bit older in the dream. It looked like it looked like I [00:18:10] was closer to my forties.
[00:18:11] And, um, he was so upset. He was like having a breakdown and I was trying to console him and the dream went on for a [00:18:20] long time. I didn't know what he was so upset about. We had these long conversations about different things about life, and he finally broke down and he was like, everyone's going to forget me.[00:18:30]
[00:18:30] Everyone's forgotten me. Even your forgetting. And just had this total meltdown in the dream. And it [00:18:40] was really, it really rocked me. It really disturbed me. It made me disturbed is the wrong term, but like it did, it shook me for like a good 24 to 48 [00:18:50] hours. I mean, I had to, I remember going to like one of the coaches I was working with at the time about it, and I was like, oh my gosh, this is really intense, like really intense and [00:19:00] like, Meditating on it.
[00:19:02] And I did, you know, I've, I want to disclaim this too. I've been in therapy for a very long time, very long time. [00:19:10] And even prior to my brother's passing and then obviously have sought therapy for my brother's passing. So, you know, [00:19:20] coming from the family that they came from, obviously went to therapy for that.
[00:19:22] And then, you know, traumas that I went through in the past, but then obviously from my brother's passing to. [00:19:30] Um, this was intense and I then was able to coming out of it, unpack. I was like, wow. I'm like, no, I get it. I get what [00:19:40] he's saying. Like, he feels, this is, this is real. I really think this is really him coming through to me.
[00:19:46] I really, I really did feel that. And I think that you have to [00:19:50] interpret these dreams. However, they, they feel to you. This is your relationship. This is your grief journey. And I, I really, really, truly [00:20:00] believe that. And for me, this was my brother telling me that he felt like no one else cared about him. No one else cared about the fact that he had passed and this like, this makes me so emotional.[00:20:10]
[00:20:10] And it broke me that I almost feel like he was lumping in. And I was like, oh my God, like, how can he feel this way? Like, I think. Uh, I can't remember [00:20:20] exactly when this was, but I think it was, it was before I got my tattoo and I got my tattoo and, you know, stuff like that, and that didn't have any influence over it.
[00:20:27] Cause I scheduled myself to get the tattoo like early in the [00:20:30] year and it kept getting rescheduled. That's why it was so weird that it happened on five, five in year five. But that dream was like, okay. It was [00:20:40] like, I knew there was like a messaging behind it and a feeling like he didn't want to be forgotten about.
[00:20:45] He wants his story to be told he wants. Our family also to know [00:20:50] what happened to him, you know, the answers to go out and I'm, I, it broke my heart because I didn't have a relationship with anybody in the family. Well, you know, I had [00:21:00] exchanged from time to time an email here and there with my dad. Like, we didn't have a relationship.
[00:21:05] It wasn't, you know, I wasn't bad. It wasn't good. And I, I love [00:21:10] him. I love all of my family, but. It is what it is, but I could tell it was killing him that he felt forgotten about. He felt like he wasn't a part of this [00:21:20] family anymore. And I feel the pain in my heart right now. Even telling you guys this, because if it was, it was real, it was real, it was a dream, but it [00:21:30] was real.
[00:21:30] And I was. So disturbed by this. So that was kind of the beginning of something for me too. And I think your five was just hard. And so I started to [00:21:40] seek resources. I was like, there's got to be groups out here, like why wasn't there groups out here for surviving siblings? And so I started joining Facebook groups and I'm like, oh my God, there is people [00:21:50] out here.
[00:21:50] Okay. Okay. I'm like, all right. There's there are more people out here that have gone through this. Okay. Thank God. Like, why wasn't I looking for [00:22:00] this back then? Doesn't matter. Can't go back. Let's go forward. And I started reading other people's stories and how they were suffering and struggling. And I'm like, oh my [00:22:10] God, like, I'm not alone.
[00:22:12] But these people have these groups, like, all right, what do we have for books and podcasts? [00:22:20] And so I. The amount of books that we had. I mean, I could count them on two hands. It was ridiculously [00:22:30] depressed. Mm, I ordered them all. I ordered them all like a crazy person. I ordered them all. I mean, maybe that's not crazy, but I was like, I'm going to [00:22:40] order every single one read every single one I did.
[00:22:42] And simultaneously I looked up podcasts. I literally found one podcast of a very sweet lady [00:22:50] that, um, lost her brother, I think 22 years ago or something I've actually connected with her. Talks about the loss of her brother, but there was real, that was it. I mean, [00:23:00] there's nothing really out there recounting something very consistently or putting out consistent information about surviving siblings.
[00:23:07] So there was, there's essentially no [00:23:10] podcasts out there, right? I mean, I'm not taking away her work, but essentially there, there wasn't something mainstream out there for surviving siblings [00:23:20] and there's only a handful of books. And there's a couple of support groups on Facebook and I found a couple of websites and I'm like, oh my God, no [00:23:30] wonder.
[00:23:30] I felt so alone. This really is not talked about. And I took to social media and sort of looking at the hashtags and everything because I've been such a presence on social media and [00:23:40] stuff. Oh, Nope. There's not a huge presence there either. And a lot of people don't even know what this term is, how I did not even know what this term was.
[00:23:49] Guys. I [00:23:50] did not even know that we had a name. I didn't even know that we had a term surviving siblings. I didn't even know that I had [00:24:00] a place. I knew that my parents did. I knew that, you know, Uh, significant other dead, you know, I knew all of those [00:24:10] things, but me, I didn't know. I finally felt in my fifth year, which I was like going through all over again.
[00:24:17] I'm like, am I God? [00:24:20] And then I also heard the term, the forgotten mourner and I actually heard that referenced on this other ladies podcast, but also [00:24:30] through all these groups and then the books that I started reading and I was like, so I was like, okay, like I was enlightened. So part of my [00:24:40] spiritual side of things, I was also educating myself.
[00:24:42] So this was an educational and spiritual year. And reconnection your to my brother and just letting [00:24:50] him know that like, no, I'm here. Like, this is real. Like I'm not gone, like I'm here. And so I just listened. [00:25:00] I joined and I read like crazy. I hit the. And there's a lot of, um, out of these [00:25:10] books, you know, I'm going to actually, um, list these as resources.
[00:25:14] But the one that I recommend, number one is surviving sibling [00:25:20] loss, the invisible thread that connects us through life and death and the author is Dawn. [00:25:30] So like Dawn, the soap, D A W N she's incredible. And her last name, I'm going to butcher it and she's a friend of mine. So Dawn I'm so sorry, Dawn [00:25:40] DiRaimondo.
[00:25:44] I'm so sorry. When you come on the podcast, I'll pronounce your name. Right. But anyway, so I read this book, like I [00:25:50] devoured it. I think I was like online. Bike or something. And I, again, I read all of the books that I could find on Amazon and [00:26:00] holding the book in my hand right now, as I'm talking to you guys, I'm like channeling Dawn.
[00:26:04] And my connection to her story was just the strongest. [00:26:10] And it's not necessarily the longest book, but there's also stories about other people in there, which I think is very powerful. Story is very powerful, which is probably why you're listening to this story [00:26:20] right now about my brother and myself. And I was so inspired, this, this book really inspired me, the [00:26:30] other ones to, to, um, I, again, don't want to take those away because there's only so many out there and I recommend reading all of them and there's also some really good, just like general death [00:26:40] books to read to when you're trying to get through it, if you're a reader, but if you're not so much.
[00:26:44] Stick to the surviving siblings ones, because it's so specific where we're going through. That's my [00:26:50] recommendation. And again, just my opinion, because I didn't get as much out of those. And sometimes I'm a reader, I'm an English lit major and creative writing major. And I [00:27:00] didn't always finish those general ones because they would focus on, you know, moms and dads who lost kids.
[00:27:06] They would focus on spouses who lost, you know, significant [00:27:10] others. They would focus on losing parents, things like that. And. Those are huge losses, huge losses, but we were the [00:27:20] forgotten mourners. Like it didn't talk about us most of the time in there. And I was like, okay, like I get these emotions they're talking about.
[00:27:29] I get the [00:27:30] like quote unquote stages of grief that they're talking about. But, and I believe in the stages of grief, but I believe that they are not necessarily always an order. And I believe that you go through my [00:27:40] all over again and I believe it's all about. So if you really want to connect, like these are the books in that, that was the book for me.
[00:27:48] I read it twice [00:27:50] and I'm probably going to read it again. And that was inspiring to me. I'm like, you know what, my brother doesn't need to be forgotten. And I remember the dream I'm like, I need, [00:28:00] I need to tell his story. But in that was like my first, like, I, I had been feeling compelled to tell this story for a while, but I just.
[00:28:09] [00:28:10] No, how? And like, I'm a writer, I've written things in the past, but I just, every time I went to go write it, I, I felt like paralyzed because I didn't have all the [00:28:20] answers. And you don't always have to have all the answers to move forward with things. But I did in this case, I needed to know what happened to him, but why was I still feeling paralyzed in [00:28:30] year five?
[00:28:30] I had the logical answer. Like I knew enough to talk about this or write about it. What was going on with me and hear him having this very connected dream to my brother. There were [00:28:40] many, but that was huge. And I'm meditating and I'm connecting to him, reading these books. I'm seeing these groups, I'm seeing this lack of support.
[00:28:48] It's all kind of coming together [00:28:50] now. Timing is huge in life. Huge. And I felt a coming together and it was all crashing upon me. And I read this, [00:29:00] this specific book. I'm like picking it up again. I feel like I've got a channel that's surviving sibling loss, the invisible thread that connects us they're life and death [00:29:10] by Dawn Dawn.
[00:29:11] I'm not going to say your name again because I'm going to butcher it, but. Last name I'm so bad with these like long last names sometimes, but I'm [00:29:20] sure you guys can understand that. So please forgive me on that. But this one I connected with, she lost her brother she's oldest. Like she, like, she [00:29:30] understands only brother and it's just what you connect with that matters.
[00:29:37] And so that kind of propelled me into the [00:29:40] inspiration of like, okay. But within her. And within multiple books, there is talk of mediums and going to mediums. And I [00:29:50] have thought about it for a long time. And I have seen an astrologer for many. Over half of my life [00:30:00] and he doesn't dabble a mediumship or anything like that.
[00:30:03] He's very logical. And you know, some people believe in astrology, some people don't. So, you know, that's what I, what this [00:30:10] podcast is about, but he's definitely given me guidance on how to like deal with certain things in my life. But me going to a medium is totally. She did that [00:30:20] in her, in her book. And she talks about it.
[00:30:22] And there were several books where they actually shared that in, that was helpful. And some, some people shared their stories and I [00:30:30] had a wish has been apprehensive. Not because I hadn't done it before, because I had, I had meant to mediums before and I'm open to it. I think some of them are. [00:30:40] Total liars and frauds.
[00:30:42] And I think some of them are super gifted and put on this planet to help people like us that [00:30:50] are suffering and need our quote unquote closure, which, you know, I don't totally believe in closure. I believe in answers. They're here to help us give us [00:31:00] the rest of answers that we need. This makes you so emotional so that we can continue with.
[00:31:08] And [00:31:10] so I decided to I'm like, if I'm feeling this compelled by this book and this woman, I'm going to seek out her medium, [00:31:20] what's the worst that happens. Like I don't get booked with him or what, well, what do you know, I'm able to get in with him and I decide I'm going to do [00:31:30] it. And I had a lot of. Mixed emotions about it, because I thought, you know, what if so many things [00:31:40] like, right?
[00:31:40] Like what if I find out things, I don't want to know what if I find out this? What if I find out he's angry at me? [00:31:50] What if I find out he's disappointed in me? And then there, then I just kind of shut all of that down in my mind. And I went into my heart and I thought to myself, Maya, you know [00:32:00] that you've been one.
[00:32:03] So emotional, this is going to be an emotional episode, just preparing you guys for this. And this is getting [00:32:10] emotional too. So if you guys were not into like mediums and you don't want to hear this, like it's probably not your thing, but if you're into it, like this was very cool. And you know, I [00:32:20] shut it down.
[00:32:20] I just tapped into my heart and I was like, you know, when you're. That you have done everything right by her brother, and you've done everything in your power and when you needed [00:32:30] to rest it, there were times you needed a break. You did that. It doesn't mean that you forgot about him or gave up. And when he came through in that specific dream to you, he's not [00:32:40] upset at you.
[00:32:41] And he's, you've not forgotten about him. You're going to keep him alive. I just knew that somehow I knew that. And so it was able to kind of, you [00:32:50] know, let that go. And so. I saw this medium because of the pandemic I had to do it virtually. So [00:33:00] I saw him, I believe it was August yeah. Of 2021. And we, I can't [00:33:10] really go into everything because some of it is about my family and what I mean by that is, you know, he shared some information that pertains to [00:33:20] my family.
[00:33:20] So I do want to preface this with. But everything about me, I will, I will share. So we get on the phone and he basically explains if you've been to [00:33:30] meet him before, you know, they explain how they work. And I always go in, and this is just me and advice to you. If you're open to doing this, I don't [00:33:40] go and garden.
[00:33:40] I go in totally open, but I don't speak because if they're good and they know what they're doing. They're going to connect with spirit on the other side, [00:33:50] if they're not good, they're just kind of letting you talk and you're going to give them all the answers. Right? I mean, it sounds pretty basic, but some people will just do that.
[00:33:57] And it's weird that people do that in my [00:34:00] opinion, but anyway, but I do go in with an open heart and open mind. And like you do typically meditate and open yourself. But it doesn't mean you give them like the playbook, like no, [00:34:10] and definitely you don't connect with them on social media before, like all of that.
[00:34:13] Like, I hope you would notice those things, but you know, teach their own, but come on, he would have [00:34:20] known my story. So we start the session and he immediately see. To, uh, my grandparents [00:34:30] have passed. And again, for the sake of privacy of my family, I'm not going to speak about who they are, but he was 150% correct about who they were [00:34:40] and it was so freaky.
[00:34:42] And then he said, okay, I can't really talk about them anymore though, because there is a young. So being forward, like [00:34:50] not stepping forward, like screaming for a root. And I said, and he's like, does that make sense? I'm like, yes. And he said, okay. [00:35:00] He said, I feel like this is definitely, yeah. He's like, this is young male.
[00:35:05] This is relative. He says, has to be. Related to you [00:35:10] has to be a cousin or brother. He said, I'm thinking it's more like your brother and yeah. Close, close relationship. And he explained the way he's hugging me. That's why. [00:35:20] And I was like, yeah, absolutely. He goes, I feel like he was quite young when he passed.
[00:35:25] He described almost exactly how old he was. Really [00:35:30] trippy. He also then described that. He just asked me things to reassure that this is my brother. You know, [00:35:40] he said a couple of different things about his. He said, I feel like he struggled with some drugs and things like that. And he said very specific things that he struggled with and they were all [00:35:50] accurate.
[00:35:50] It was so weird, so weird, but it makes you know that this person is legit. If you want to go with the medium path. [00:36:00] And so I, you know, I'm sitting there trying not to get too emotional. I'm like, yeah, like this is actually. And he said, you know, his passing was sudden, he [00:36:10] said, I feel like it was, his life was taken from him.
[00:36:12] He did not take his own. Like, yes. And he goes, I feel like he wants justice for this. And you know, [00:36:20] he basically told me that, you know, I was right and that he said, he's tired on the other side because he's fighting and he's fighting through me for his justice. It was [00:36:30] so wild. You guys like it was so true.
[00:36:33] And that part made me so emotional because. Made me realize that [00:36:40] everything that I had been doing is what my brother had been more. And I had to like, keep it together. Cause I wasn't gonna tell this medium, any of this stuff until the end, I was just open. And [00:36:50] he's like your brother so interesting because when he came through it was like, he was like, you guys he's like the medium was like, excuse this language.
[00:36:59] But he was like [00:37:00] F you he's like I'm coming through. And I started like laughing because that's show my brother. He's so voiced. So extroverted. I mean, he makes me look not extrovert and I'm extrovert. [00:37:10] So boisterous he's like kind of cross a little bit with things. And so he described him like to a T and he was saying some like little phrases that like [00:37:20] he would say to me.
[00:37:22] And that's when I knew I was like, this is so weird. And he then also told me too, he was like, just to confirm, he was like, he was, [00:37:30] he confirmed the murder. He said he was taken that way. And. He said, you know, he, he was talking about the gunshot. It was, it was really [00:37:40] wild. And he had messages for both of my mother and my father, which I hope to share with them one day and out of privacy for them, I don't want to share it on the podcast, but I'll share [00:37:50] everything that they had for me, or he had for me.
[00:37:53] But what was so interesting about this is that the medium had [00:38:00] deep messages as well for me. And he said that the reason, because I was struggling so hard as this was like, right, almost middle past the middle of [00:38:10] 2021. And I was really struggling. Remember it's August. So we're almost coming up on our birthdays together and he medium doesn't [00:38:20] have that.
[00:38:20] Doesn't know any of this yet. And he. You're really struggling with this. He said, this is a really, really tough death for you because this is not [00:38:30] just one death. And I'm thinking to myself, I'm going, yeah, this is a really tough death for me. But like, yes, [00:38:40] because I lost a really close friend in February, right after my brother passed.
[00:38:46] And then I lost a really close friend the summer after. To a [00:38:50] heroin addiction. And so the friend that I lost in February after my brother passed was from testicular cancer. So like I went through three losses, so I was starting to think that's what he was [00:39:00] talking about. I was like, oh my God. Like I went through a lot of loss, but no, that's not what he meant.
[00:39:04] I didn't say that. I was just thinking that in my head. He said the reason this is such a tough [00:39:10] loss for you, and you're feeling this so much harder and you don't need to be judging anybody else. I'm like, okay, well I'm not judging anyone else, but you know, like [00:39:20] he's like, or just kind of be, I think he said it in a different way.
[00:39:23] Like, you know, kind of give people grace about this. I'm like, okay. He's like, is, you know, you didn't [00:39:30] just lose your brother. He said that was one loss for you. He said, you lost your best friend. And I like, I started crying. Of course, I'm gonna cry now. And that's your [00:39:40] best friend? He's like, this was your best friend growing up.
[00:39:43] And he's like at high, see, like he's with you. And I'm like, yes. And he goes this, but also this is [00:39:50] a soulmate. And he explained like how soulmates work, which is like a whole other podcast and holler other things. So if you're interested in how soulmates work, [00:40:00] because we don't just have one soulmate, it's not a romantic soulmate, but like it's, we have soulmates that are, are with us.
[00:40:06] And this is one of the deepest level soulmates that [00:40:10] I could have ever. And my brother was all three of those things. So that's why I'm feeling this loss so deeply. And that's why my brother came down. [00:40:20] And we had the same birthday, like what, like blew my mind and gave me these spiritual [00:40:30] answers that I never could have gotten from detective G.
[00:40:33] Right. So I just sat there in silence. I couldn't believe it. I was like, he's like, does all of this makes [00:40:40] sense? And I started to. Tearing up. I was like holding it back, but I couldn't help with them. I was like, yes. He's like, there was a bond there that's just, no one [00:40:50] will ever understand. He was your brother, your best friend, your soulmate.
[00:40:55] It did not matter what happened through time or anything. [00:41:00] And he knows that he recognizes that. And you know, he's like, he's not. Whether you guys believe in reincarnation or not, [00:41:10] most mediums obviously do. Right? Cause they believe that you reincarnate. So both my sisters had had their children at the time.
[00:41:17] And so I was curious, you know, I [00:41:20] potentially thought that maybe one of them had. Him come back down. And he said, no, he said that was not the case. He said, my brother was a very [00:41:30] impatient person and that my brother was connected to me and would be around me for the rest of my life and would be waiting for me on the other side.
[00:41:39] And that his, [00:41:40] um, like the thing he had to learn in life was patience. And I was like, this is so crazy because. He was the most impatient person I've ever know. Obviously [00:41:50] did not confirm any of this until the end, but I'm only giving you a taste of it. There was so much, so much more, which again, I think I'll just have to write about [00:42:00] this, but hopefully I'm giving you enough to let you know about how deep this loss was for me.
[00:42:04] And that really fulfilled the spiritual answers for me and hearing the things he had to [00:42:10] say to both my mom and my dad are really beautiful too. And I hope I could just share that with them. One day. I hope they're opening. I think that will be one day and [00:42:20] he goes, Hey, I'm getting choked up. Sorry. Um, he also has a message for my sister too, and yeah, it's going to be [00:42:30] beautiful to give her that.
[00:42:32] And it was really a good conversation. And at one point the medium, his name [00:42:40] is Tim. And if you read this book, you'll figure out who he is. Tim said to me, he said, you know what? Your brother is also telling me. And I'm also seeing [00:42:50] this for you, is that you're going to be as advocate. And I'm like, what? And he said, yeah, he said, you're going to be his advocate and his voice.
[00:42:58] And he goes, I'm not sure how you're going [00:43:00] to do that or whatever, but it's going to be like, you're going to be his voice. You're gonna be his mission. And people are going to hear you all around. Tell his. And you're going to, you're going to change this. You're going to [00:43:10] change things and you're gonna do a lot with this.
[00:43:12] I had no idea what he was talking about, but he told me that didn't know what that meant at the [00:43:20] time. And I'm sitting here talking to you on a podcast right now. Months later. So it was an incredible experience. If you're open to it, do your [00:43:30] research, make sure it's a reputable media and I can, you know, can sound like a quick fix kind of thing.
[00:43:33] Like you want to go to someone real fast, but do you, I mean, it took me that many years and I'm really spiritual into this kind of stuff. I've been seeing [00:43:40] an astrologer for a long time. It took me almost five years to go. Person. And he was incredible. And literally, like, I would say 90% of the things he said [00:43:50] made sense.
[00:43:50] There was like one thing he asked me about a friend about my brother. And one more thing that I didn't know, but that doesn't mean they weren't true because I couldn't have known [00:44:00] everything about my brother's life. Right. I mean, he was an adult, so, um, yeah. And then I remember leaving that and how was like a days and I'm like, oh my [00:44:10] gosh.
[00:44:10] I'm like, okay. So I remember taking that in. And that was a huge moment for me because I received the spiritual answers and I knew that my [00:44:20] brother loved me and supported me. And, and one last thing Tim said to me was, you know, you said you're going to live a really long life and I'm like, I am. And he goes, yeah.
[00:44:29] And your brother's going to have to [00:44:30] wait for you on the other side. And it's going to drive him crazy. He goes, but you're going to spread his message. And I don't know what that, what that is or what that entails. I just keep being told that. And here I am talking [00:44:40] to you guys about this, which is. But of course that part didn't really stick with me at the time.
[00:44:45] It was more like the, the part of [00:44:50] he was my best friend, my soul, me and my brother. And like, I was understanding where I was like, the five-year was hitting me also in a lot of the books that I read, like five years is like a [00:45:00] mark, like a big moment. And so I'm really glad that I did that for myself and did these things for myself.
[00:45:06] And as the year went on, I was like, [00:45:10] Hmm. Okay. Mike continuing my journey. I decided to reach out to the author of the book I just talked about and [00:45:20] connect with her. And I did, I ended up connecting with her and we ended up becoming friends. And so she's an incredible person. [00:45:30] Again, I cannot talk about this book enough.
[00:45:32] I think she's absolutely phenomenal. Uh, this, this book was great for me. And I think you need to find the book that you connect [00:45:40] with, which is why I want to include a couple in the notes here. So you guys can have resources and be a partner support groups and not fall into what [00:45:50] I had, like, which was nothing, no support.
[00:45:53] I just felt completely alone. I couldn't believe when she like reached back out to me, I was [00:46:00] like, kind of fan girl. I was like, oh my God. And now she's a supporter of the podcast. And, you know, just to tease it, you know, as we're kind of coming to a close of this [00:46:10] season, there will be a season two, and she will be the first guest on season two, talking about the book, talking about stories and talking about [00:46:20] her journey as a surviving siblings.
[00:46:23] Read the book it's exciting. Yeah. You'll figure out who our, um, our medium is too, which is really cool, [00:46:30] but that was an incredible part of this journey too, was connecting with her and making that connection. But that was kind of the tipping point for me. And [00:46:40] then once it sat with me and the year went on, I realized I'm like, I have to tell his story.
[00:46:47] I want to tell his story. [00:46:50] I'm compelled to tell his story. It's our story. And I started to get to work. I, you know, I [00:47:00] really went back into the resources and I really realized there was a need for this podcast. And I really tapped into myself and thought about, you know, am [00:47:10] I ready to really. Share this and put this out into the world and be this raw and be this open with everybody.
[00:47:18] And [00:47:20] I don't think anybody ever is. I really don't. And I'm sure I've missed a lot of parts of the story, which is why I think I'll probably have to write about it so I can [00:47:30] make sure I don't miss a thing, but I'll continue. I think I'm going to continue this journey. I, I got to work. I got to thinking [00:47:40] about, you know, who's going to be the best producer for this and you know, who's going to help me with this because I definitely couldn't listen to these episodes back in and edit them.
[00:47:48] That's also me being very raw and kind of [00:47:50] opening up to you on the back end of all of this. And so that was the journey at the end of, you know, 20, 21. And I then reflected back on my [00:48:00] reading with Tim and I was like, oh my God, like he was right. I am going to be the voice. I'm like show compelled and obsessed with doing this.
[00:48:07] And so as this [00:48:10] journey continued, I thought I started to think about my family, you know, and how they would take me talking [00:48:20] so openly about this and about the good, the bad ugly, the sad, you know, there's, there's the good [00:48:30] parts in this about me opening. And hopefully connecting this community of surviving siblings, the forgotten mourners like you and I, or if you're [00:48:40] someone's supporting that, that surviving sibling or forgotten mourner.
[00:48:45] And I hope that's the positive side of this. And I had to really weigh all of that, but I [00:48:50] also had to look at my brother. This is for him at the end of the day. And this. [00:49:00] For you. And this is for me, we need a place. We need a voice and that's what trumped everything else. But out of [00:49:10] respect for my family, you know, I left the names out of the people, really everybody, because I do love my family at the end of the day, regardless of [00:49:20] treatment that I've received or anything like that.
[00:49:21] And I want to be very clear that I don't think of myself as a victim of anything other than. Someone who, you know, a [00:49:30] victim of someone who was killed by a homicide, a victim of trauma, a victim of post-traumatic stress syndrome, a victim of those things, but I'm not a victim. You [00:49:40] know, I think I'm a fighter.
[00:49:42] I'm a survivor. I'm a surviving sibling, just like you, or just like one of, you know, one of your loved [00:49:50] ones. And that's why I'm doing this. And that's why I'm talking about this. I'm really happy to [00:50:00] close out this season, you know, sharing these, the spiritual kind of episode and [00:50:10] talking about, you know, the resources that I read and getting my reading with Tim, and then, you know, Some beautiful things did happen out of [00:50:20] all of this, you know, creating this and creating, you know, some communities and connecting with more people connected with more surviving siblings.
[00:50:27] And I've already, you know, just, [00:50:30] just launching the teaser. I launched the teaser on the day that my brother, my brother's death date, November 21st, I launched on November 21st, 2021. [00:50:40] I was totally scared because again, I was, I was still, I don't really care what people think about me. I've like dropped that after going [00:50:50] on a ridiculous reality show, stopped caring what people think about you.
[00:50:55] But I really cared a whole lot about what my family was going to think, [00:51:00] because I didn't want them to think I was going to drag them through the mud, regardless of anything they've done to me. And. I think there was a lot of anxiety there. And I had to really [00:51:10] put that aside. I had to do another mindset shift and I had to do another shift for myself.
[00:51:14] And I hope that you guys do that for yourself as well in your grieving process. And you do what you [00:51:20] need to do for yourself. And I think it really, I think it really paid off because I'm at a place now where, you know, I'm so happy to [00:51:30] share that my youngest sister and I have. I have always supported her from afar.
[00:51:39] I've [00:51:40] supported her, you know, I wish I'm so happy. She's had a child I'm happy for her. Happy for both of my sisters. I'm happy that they're happy. [00:51:50] Um, I love them from afar, but I am happy that I'm happy to close out this episode and coming to a close, coming to a close of the season [00:52:00] that my youngest sister and I have reconnected.
[00:52:04] And I want to be there and help her as a surviving sibling and help her go through her grieving journey. [00:52:10] Because I think it's really important that we understand where people are mixed up to them in their grieving journey. [00:52:20] It doesn't give people the right to treat you a certain way, but if people can come back to you or come back and meet you and [00:52:30] understand that you've got a grievous or.
[00:52:34] Then you can move forward with them. And I don't think she would mind me sharing [00:52:40] this. She and I, again, recently, you know, reconnected and I've never, never held anything really [00:52:50] against her at all. I love my sister dearly. She, I mean, she was 20 when this happened and I give this advice a lot in the support groups.
[00:52:59] You know, we're [00:53:00] 10 years apart. It's a different experience. It doesn't make her experience more traumatic or mind less traumatic or anything like that, or mine more traumatic [00:53:10] just because I saw my brother, like I'm just dealing with a different trauma than she's dealing with and she. Is recognizing that.
[00:53:19] [00:53:20] And I think that's a really beautiful thing. And I think it's a really beautiful thing that, you know, she has a son now and there's a different perspective and I'm [00:53:30] so excited to be there for her. And she said to me, cause I told her because we reconnected before this [00:53:40] aired, this podcast first aired for the first episode, the trailer had already.
[00:53:46] So that's how I knew. I was like, okay, I guess they're cool with this. [00:53:50] Well, some of them, well, she wasn't, at least, I don't know. And her exact quote to me was, you know what, you have to do what you need [00:54:00] to do. I support you if this is what you want to do, you know, I support you. That's okay. And I think I'm probably mincing the words and not saying [00:54:10] it as eloquently as she did, but the fact that she is supportive.
[00:54:16] That's a step in the right direction. And that's a beautiful thing. And so I want to give you [00:54:20] guys that, you know, when you're in a down period, like I had nobody in my family, I want to give you guys hope your family can come to a different place in grief. This [00:54:30] is not a sprint. This is a marathon and it's the marathon of life and you're going to be grieving for life.[00:54:40]
[00:54:40] And I really want you to remember that. There's no ending to the story. The ending of my story is when I pass to the other side and I see my brother [00:54:50] again, and that's the ending of your story as a surviving sibling is when you pass to the other side and you see your sibling again, but don't cut your story.[00:55:00]
[00:55:00] They want you, they want you to continue your story. I promise you. They do. And I know it doesn't feel like it because trust me, I didn't want to go on several times. And it's [00:55:10] something that I've shared on the podcast. I had destructive behavior. I didn't want to live several times. It was hard. I was so brutal.
[00:55:18] It was not [00:55:20] constructive behavior, but it's about how we change that. It's about how we. Move forward. And it's about how we surround ourselves with the right people. And I [00:55:30] hope that you do that. And I hope that you find this podcast helpful and these resources helpful, and I'm just pouring so much love.
[00:55:38] And I [00:55:40] think you guys so much for supporting me and sharing these episodes, and I'm so happy that I got to share my hope and you know, [00:55:50] my reconnection to part of, you know, my family and, um, Have shared that I do, uh, you know, chat from time to time with my dad too, but I'm most [00:56:00] excited about, you know, helping my sister on, you know, her grief turning into just having a positive relationship, because I know that's what my brother wants, [00:56:10] but again, for all of you, I think it's most important to remember that it's yours.
[00:56:18] It's up to you. [00:56:20] It's up to you about how you grieve. It's up to you about how you share your story. When you share your [00:56:30] story, what you need, what answers you need, how you get those answers. If you need the logical ones, if you need the [00:56:40] spiritual ones, if you. Me to just forget about it for a while and take a break, take a rest.[00:56:50]
[00:56:50] I wish I had someone that gave me the permission to do those things, because I never gave myself permission for any of those things. So [00:57:00] I'm going to give you that permission. Maybe you'll listen, and hopefully you have somebody in your life that gives you that permission to do that. But thank you again [00:57:10] so much for listening and just remember the recent.
[00:57:13] This is not a negative thing, but there, there really is no such thing as closure, just like [00:57:20] our detective G or detective good told us there's really no such thing as closure. There's only answers, but [00:57:30] here's what my ads, here's what I add to it. But those answers are what get us through our grief journey and push us and propel us forward into the [00:57:40] hope instead of the downtown.
[00:57:42] Thank you guys again so much for listening. This has been an incredible experience and I hope that you will [00:57:50] join me in season two for your story.
Thank you so much for listening to the surviving siblings [00:58:00] podcast. If you enjoyed this episode, as much as I did creating it for you, then share it on your chosen social media platform.
[00:58:09] And don't forget to [00:58:10] tag us at surviving siblings podcast so that more surviving siblings can find us, remember to rate, review, and subscribe to the podcast. [00:58:20] And don't forget to follow us on all social media plus. We're on Instagram, Twitter, and tech talk at surviving siblings podcast. [00:58:30] All links can be found in the show notes.
[00:58:32] So be sure to check those out too. Thank you again for the support and until the next episode, keep on [00:58:40] surviving my surviving siblings.[00:58:50] .