Tommy Loses John To Addiction & Tim To Cancer

Tommy Loses John To Addiction & Tim To Cancer- Podcast
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[00:00:00] Welcome to the Surviving Siblings Podcast. I'm your host Maya ler as a surviving sibling myself. I knew that I wanted to share my story, my brother's story. I lost my brother to a homicide in November, 2016, and after going through this experience, I knew that I wanted to share my story and his story, and now it's your turn to share your stories.

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: today. I have an incredible surviving sibling with me. We have Tommy here today with us. Tommy, welcome to the show.

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: Hi, Maya. Thank you for having me.

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: Yeah, my pleasure. My pleasure. So today Tommy's gonna be sharing a story about his personal journey, but also about losing two of his brothers.

So Tommy, before we go [00:01:00] into how you lost your brothers, tell us a little bit about your background, where you guys grew up, family dynamics. Share with us so we can know a little more about you.

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: Okay. Once again, thank you for having me on the show. I appreciate the opportunity. We're, you know, we're a native New York family. I was born and raised in New York City. Me, my parents, my twin brother, Tim, my older brother John, and my older sister Mary. So there were four of us. The family. And we grew up in Queens, New York, as you can tell by my accent.

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: I was gonna say, where's that accent from Tommy? Yep.

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: So it was a, a fairly typical upbringing growing up in Queens. My father was a blue collar worker. Originally he was a salesman in Manhattan. But lemme just preface my family story by just stating that addiction has run rampant through my family. [00:02:00] And it started with my father. Okay. He was a great guy, but he had a bad case of alcoholism, okay.

And my mother as well. But they were really actually very good parents. They just, they suffered from addiction. So, that began early on. But my father was a cab driver then. He was a bartender, then he was a salesman and he bounced around from job to job, but he always provided for the family. He was a good provider.

There was some kind of, there was chaos in the family at times due to my father's drinking. And there was a lot of I had a lot of fear growing up, anxiety based around the house and the instability in my house, and not knowing what kind of condition my father was going to be in when he came home from work.

So that made my childhood a little bit uncomfortable to say the least. So, but you know, [00:03:00] my older brother, John he was my, he was my idol. I looked up to him. He was my big brother. Anything he did, I would try to do myself. And my brother John was seven years older than me, and so me and my twin brother Tim, really looked up to him as our role model.

So also in the house at the time was my aunt. My, my mother's sister lived with us her whole life. My Aunt Angela. So she lived in the house with us and she had her own battles with, with addiction and mental health. But altogether it was a loving home in spite of the dysfunction that was present in the house.

So, yeah, I played sports as a kid, me and my brothers, my father was the coach of our sports teams, and it was fun. And we went to school and we hung out after school. And, and you know, up until my early teenage years, there was a, [00:04:00] you know, aside from my father's drinking it was a fairly normal childhood, I would say, looking back.

But around actually 13, I think I started to drink, I picked up my first drink around 13,

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: young Tommy. Wow.

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: yeah. Well, the guys in my neighborhood, looking back, it wasn't really that young. Everybody was doing it,

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: Right. So it would seem normal. Mm-hmm.

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: And besides that, my father was in the bar business, so I, I was hanging out in a bar already and I was only 13.

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: Mm-hmm.

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: So, and my older brother, John was hanging out there and he was drinking and and stuff like that. And I really, I discovered that, you know, alcohol took away a lot of negative feelings I had about myself, anxiety, fear, worry and when I started drinking, I realized, wow, alcohol takes all that negative emotion away.

[00:05:00] So I knew I would keep doing it. I really knew I would keep doing it. Now, keeping in mind, you know, I knew my father had a serious problem with alcohol, so saying to myself, well, I shouldn't drink too much because I might get into trouble, you know? But anyway at the same time, my brother John, he would, like I said, he was seven years older and he, he started drinking heavily and his progression with addiction it was slow but steady.

Okay. And as well as myself. By the time I was 16, I was drinking every day. Getting into little minor scrapes and trouble here and there, but nothing too crazy. But my brother John what happened to him was that he was in the construction trade. So he worked in Manhattan on skyscrapers doing construction, and he got hurt in early [00:06:00] 1985.

He got hurt on the job.

Let's see, John was 25 at the time. I was 18. So now, here, let me just throw in an, an important part of the story. I stopped drinking. Around 18 years old. 'cause I knew I was in big trouble and I managed to stop on my own without going to rehab or, you know, treatment of any kind.

I just stopped. And amazingly enough, I stayed stopped for several months. And it was during that time my brother John got hurt at work and he was prescribed a pain medication. Okay. So, which, you know, that was nothing new. I mean, unfortunately pills in my family were just a way of life. My parents were on medications for anxiety and depression and things like that.

So I didn't think it was a big [00:07:00] deal. But I noticed that my brother was. Becoming addicted to these pills. Okay. And and he started to change and he didn't look healthy and he wasn't going to work, and he was, his drinking got heavier and heavier. So, what happened to my brother John?

In June of 1985, he ran out of like prescription pain medication. And by this time he had,

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: You wouldn't mind sharing. What was he taking exactly. Do you remember what he was prescribed?

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: he was probably taking something called Vicodin or Hydrocodone at the time.

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: right. Which is intense. Yeah. Those are intense pills.

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: powerful opiate. But then he, we found out that, you know, my brother was hanging out with local drug dealers in the neighborhood, which he had never done before.

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: Mm-hmm.

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: So we figured out, well, he's now, he's taking, he's getting pills off people in the street.

So his [00:08:00] progression with his addiction was very quick

and he was hanging out with very bad people in the neighborhood. Now, being an 18-year-old kid, I didn't know how to approach him and say, listen, what are you doing? You know, this is not good. This is, you know, our family didn't know how to approach him to confront him.

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: Right, because was he living away? Were you still at home with your parents and was he living away?

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: still living in the same house.

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: all living in the same. Got it. Okay. Mm-hmm.

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: still in the same house. My two brothers, my me, the only one that wasn't there was my older sister,

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: Okay.

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: but me, my twin brother and my brother John, were still in the house. So we were watching my brother John just progress and, and he's, he's getting worse and worse and, and, we tried to talk to him, but he, he didn't wanna hear it. He just, he told us he was okay. And, you know, he needs these pills for the, for the pain that he's in and it's gonna be all right. And he told us not [00:09:00] to worry, so we just let him do his thing. Okay. Until one day, that day was June 9th, 1985. Somebody came to my house and told us, my brother John was in the street and he was basically unconscious in the street near our house.

So we, me and my father went to get him and we, we picked him up and we helped him back home. Okay. He was in very bad shape this day. I didn't know how bad he was that day, but I knew that, we had to get him home and put him to bed, and hopefully he would sleep it off.

Many surviving siblings have lost a sibling to addiction, so I wanna take a moment to share an incredible resource with you that may help you. Or someone you love that is struggling with addiction. It's called Sober Companion Los Angeles. [00:10:00] Their founder, Tommy McAllen, has over 31 years of recovery himself and has been helping families since 2010.

With his team and a nationwide network of clinicians. Tommy brings guidance, compassion, and real support when families need it Most. Addiction can be treated and recovery can be possible. Sober companion Los Angeles will even travel anywhere in the country. And internationally to help families in need.

If this speaks to you, please take the first step and visit sober companion los angeles.com for more information. I.

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: So people called us and me and my father went to get him. We brought him home and we helped him into bed, which we had done many times before that. And when we put him into bed, and maybe an hour or so later, I went back into the [00:11:00] bedroom and my brother was dead.

He had asphyxiated, he died from an overdose. Okay.

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: my God. Wow.

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: fell asleep on his back and he got sick and he, he died and I found him dead in our bedroom that day. So I ran outside. I got my father, I got my twin brother. We tried to do CPR, we tried to do whatever we could to help him. We called 9 1 1, an ambulance came, but he could not be saved.

He was, he was dead. I'll never forget what he looked like that day. I mean, that was 40 years ago, but it still seems like yesterday it was a devastating blow to my family. my parents were never the same, quite the same after that. They had a lot of guilt. I had a lot of guilt. I, I kept saying I should have taken him to a hospital that day.

He would still be [00:12:00] here. And I carried guilt for many years. And, two days after my brother died, my Aunt Angela, who as I mentioned earlier, she lived with, with us her whole life. She, and she, she was like her second mom. And two days after John died, my Aunt Angela took her life. She was so distraught she couldn't deal with my brother's death.

And she, she committed suicide. So the summer of 1985 was incredibly traumatic and sad. And

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: Well, she probably felt like you guys were her kids. She was your, she was your second mom. Right? And so I'm sure that

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: mom. So yeah, the day we buried my brother John, we had to go to my Aunt Angela's wake. And it was, it was just, it was just terrible. 

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: So wait, walk. Hang on, Tommy. Let walk us through that because wow, this is a very intense summer for you. You're an 18-year-old kid, basically. And like, [00:13:00] I mean, I don't know, I think anyone under 25 is a kid these days. You know, looking back on life, you're like, oh my gosh. Like we were kids. So yeah. So your brother passes.

This is extremely traumatic because you've, you've go in the street with your father, you see him and you find him, and I mean, that's a lot. And then your aunt, who's been like a second mother to you, I mean, that's a lot. So you have your, your brothers, you have a wake for your brother and then a funeral, and then you've got on Angela too.

So it's like back to, walk us through what that was like real quick, if you don't mind. Yeah.

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: Well, yeah. My brother's funeral was incredibly sad. All his friends were there all young, you know, he was only 25 years old and he was very popular. He had a lot of friends. He wasn't a mean guy. He was a big, strong guy. But he was a sweetheart. He was a sweetheart and he just, for whatever reason, I don't know why that had to happen to him.

I still don't understand. But you know, my family was able to show [00:14:00] up and have a funeral and a burial for him. And it all seemed surreal to me. And my father kept saying that, you know, John's gonna wake up. He's gonna be okay. This is not real. This is, he had denial, you know? And yeah, the day we buried my brother, we had to go to Aunt Angela's wake.

And that was equally sad and traumatic. The whole family was just all my cousins and my aunts and uncles. Everybody was like, they couldn't believe that it was happening, you know, back to back tragic deaths like that. So. Amazingly enough. I got through it. I mean, semi reasonably sane, if that's the right word to use, you know?

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: Mm-hmm.

And you were sober. You,

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: well, I wasn't, well, actually, I, I started drinking again after my brother's death.

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: That's why I wanted to ask you that. Yeah. Okay. Mm-hmm.

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: I, I really lost [00:15:00] hope. I was, I was really angry and, and I had tremendous amounts of grief and, and I don't know how to deal with that. So I started drinking again after my brother John died. So yeah, my drinking career just got worse after that. And my father and my mom, I mean. It was tough on me, but I can't imagine what they were going through at the time to lose their oldest son in such a tragic way. My mom never was the same. She wound up in and out of psychiatric wards after my brother died. She had a breakdown and it was very sad.

And so, and then me and my brother Tim, my twin brother we did our best to support each other through that because my older sister was out of the house and she was married and she had, you know, she had a young child. And so me and my twin brother, Tim, were there for each other to try and support each other and, and, you know, [00:16:00] our protector was gone.

Our older brother John was gone. He was our protector. I mean, we loved our father, but we treated my brother John. Like he was our protector and now he wasn't there. And it left a tremendous. and a tremendous hole in us which is still there today to a certain extent, to be honest, you know?

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: Yeah.

Well it's very special to have a twin too, you know? And there's a, there's a lot of siblings that listen to this show, Tommy. And as you know, 'cause we met on TikTok a lot of, a lot of twins on TikTok. And it's a very unique relationship. And so I think. Only another twin can connect with that. Right.

And so I think it's, I love that you're sharing how you and and Tim were like, okay, it's kind of, kind of us against the world at this point because we've gone through these, you know, we've lost our, our big brother slash dad role model, and we've also lost Aunt Angela. I mean, that is so quick and fast and traumatic, [00:17:00] both of those losses.

So did you feel like, you know, it was, it was that you guys against the world and did you feel like it bonded you and Tim even more together? I mean, as twins, I mean, that's a, that's a bond in itself right there.

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: Well, yeah, as a twin, I mean, we did, obviously we were always together ever since we were babies, obviously,

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: Right? Right. Even in the womb you were together. Yeah. Yeah.

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: So that bond got, just, got stronger after my brother John passed away. So we, we had to hold each other up. My parents did their best to support us, but they were going through their own grief and their own issues.

And so me and Tim really supported each other even more so than we ever did before. And I mean, and then the story with my brother Tim, if you want me to go into that, I could, I could start talking about that as well.

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: Of course.

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: So yeah, I, I was 10 minutes older than my brother, which is a long time [00:18:00] in the Twin World's.

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: Oh, I've learned that. I've learned that talking to twins and having twins in this community, like 10 minutes, I mean, it's, they're usually like, I'm, I'm 60 seconds, or I'm, you know, I'm a minute or

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: Now we're going is

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: minutes is a big deal. Yeah. Yeah.

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: And yeah, so my, my, my brother Tim first of all, my mother always said we were identical, but I really don't think we were because my brother Tim was a redhead and I had brown hair. And our faces were kind of different. You could definitely tell us apart. You knew we were brothers, but didn't really look like twins, to be honest.

But we were, you know, and it was great having a twin. I mean, it's like having a, a best buddy all the time with you, you know? Yeah. And we, you know, we just did everything together. Which included some behaviors that were not so good for us.

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: course.

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: As I mentioned earlier when I started drinking in my teens, my brother Tim was [00:19:00] drinking with me. 'cause we always hung out together. And we both developed alcoholism from a fairly young age, as I mentioned earlier.

And, you know, we would even try to support each other through that when something bad would happen as a result of our drinking. Like for instance, I got arrested in 1987 in New York City. I went out one night and I had too much to drink and I got into a fight with a cab driver in New York City and I got arrested and my twin brother Tim came to the courthouse with my father to, to.

Get me outta jail. And you know, and other, you know, we try to help each other find better jobs or, or whatever we were going through, stuff like that. Eventually we both landed very good union jobs with New York City and we did very well at those careers. Okay. But drinking was [00:20:00] always present.

It wasn't going away. So eventually,, I got sober in 1994 when I was 28. And by that time I had realized that if I didn't quit drinking, I was gonna wind up either dead or locked up somewhere for a long time because I realized I was an alcoholic and I needed to get sober. So I quit drinking in 1994.

And.

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: Was there something specific that happened though, Tommy? I always ask people this when I, have a story like this, right? And someone sharing so openly, and I think you guys are gonna hear as we progress in this story, the wonderful things you've done in this community, Tommy. But like, I always wanna kind of dial into that moment because I think these are, I mean, 31 years of sobriety is, I mean, is a big, big milestone.

And it's something to be celebrated, but I'm always, I always wanna know like, what was that moment for [00:21:00] you? Because you shared with us when you were 18, like you were like, oh my God, I'm gonna be like, you know, maybe like my parents or like, I can see this getting me into trouble. And like I see that as an 18-year-old perspective, right?

And like you were like, but then when your brother and your aunt Angela died so tragically, I completely understand why you started drinking again, right? Because you knew that would short, short term solution to numb pain, anxiety, all of that. But. To go at 28 and realize I'm gonna die. This is like what happened in that moment to inspire you to say enough, and then 31 years later you're here.

Like, that's impressive.

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: First of all, thank you for that.

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: Yeah.

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: Let me just say that that arrest I had in 1987 turned into a very serious felony case, and I wound up doing five years probation with New York State, and that probation period ended in 1993, [00:22:00] so still continued to drink until 1994. Now, at the end of my drinking, remember I still had this very good union job in New York City, I would use that as an excuse to say, well, how can I really be an alcoholic if I got this good job?

You know, but I was living in a furnished room in Queens, New York at the end, a really depressing place. And I had no, I had a desire to quit drinking, but I was very afraid to live life sober because I had never done it. Now, there wasn't a, a specific event that happened in 1994 that made me want to quit drinking. just realized that I was at a jumping off place, [00:23:00] okay? That I was going to, like I said, eventually die from drinking because I was, at the time, I was 130 pounds. I weigh 180. Now imagine, I mean, I was, I was in bad shape physically.

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: you were teeny tiny. Whoa.

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: Yeah, I was very skinny. Sometimes I still think I, I wish I was, but anyway, so I, my body was failing.

I was gonna, I was in bad shape medically, you know, physically, so that motivated me to quit drinking. Now, I had been to 12 step groups before, and I'm fairly certain your audience knows what I'm talking about when I say 12 step groups. So I'd been to those meetings before and I knew there was a place to go to that would accept me and help me. Okay. So that day, my last drink was May 28th, 1994. [00:24:00] That day I decided to go back to those groups 'cause I knew that they would help me there. I had a little bit of hope. And a lot of willingness to go back to meetings and, and try to get sober again. Okay. And also, I mean, the day of my last drink, I was so depressed and so unhappy that if I had means to hurt myself, I wouldn't be sitting here right now.

I really think I would've done something to hurt myself. And I'm so grateful that there wasn't a way to do that at the time. So I went back to, to 12 step groups the next day, basically took directions from people there and in the blink of an eye, 30 years have, have gone by and I'm very [00:25:00] happy now

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: Yeah.

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: my sobriety.

But you know, my brother Tim, my twin brother Tim, suffered for many years with his alcoholism.

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: So this is where the, the twin experience is, is the perfect direction to go down this because he didn't get sober.

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: no.

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: what was that like for your relationship? Yeah, I mean, you were, you were diving into it perfectly. What was that like? Because you make this big life change and he doesn't get sober. And so walk us through this.

What, what was this like?

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: Well, Tim was incredibly supportive of me. Okay, lemme just say that. But at the time when I got sober, my brother, my twin brother got married. He had a, a baby at home in 1994, so he had his own family life stuff going on. Okay. And we didn't live in the same area anymore. He lived in Long Island, New York, and I lived [00:26:00] in Queens.

So we did kind of drift apart, which was uncomfortable. I, I mean, I was so used to having him close by me all the time. But life progresses. And he got married, he had a couple of kids, and that took up all his time. So he was happy that I was getting sober. Let me just, he really was. And when I made one year sober, my brother Tim came to my anniversary.

My, my father came you know, unfortunately, my, my mother passed away during my first year of sobriety. But she, my mother did see me get sober for five months before she passed, so I'm grateful for that. But yeah yeah, me and my twin, we, we kind of grew apart to a certain extent. But then we would come back together all the time. 'cause we would just miss each other, you know? And there's always that special bond that we had that we would have to see each other periodically. And, and plus, I [00:27:00] loved my niece, my nieces and nephews, and I would go see them and spend time with them. But my, my twin brothers drinking was really getting out of control.

And he made attempts to, to quit drinking in the 1990s. But he was, he could never stay stopped. He, he always went back to drinking. Yeah, he had a bad case of alcoholism. But what happened was in 2000, Tim went to a detox for the first time and he tried to get sober and he stayed sober a couple of months.

But then he went back to drinking again. Now my brother worked for an organization called Con Edison in New York City. So what happened in 2001? Everybody knows what happened on September 11th.

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: We do. Mm-hmm.

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: that was a tragic, horrifying day in New York City. And my brother [00:28:00] went down to the, to ground zero the day after nine 11

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: Wow.

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: as a first responder to try to restore power to lower Manhattan.

So he went down there with ConEdison and my, my brother Tim, spent months down at ground Zero working around, I mean, 16 hour shifts. And I have pictures of him working in the basements of the World Trade Center with all these construction workers and firefighters and, you know, police officers and it was a, it was a tough time. It was a tough time. But eventually, you know, that job ended and New York City came back to normal somewhat after that tragedy. But my brother's drinking was never really getting better after that. And he made other attempts to quit drinking over the years and nothing ever stuck.

So what happened in 2019? My brother Tim was in trouble again [00:29:00] with drinking, and he checked himself into a detox in New York City, which we, you know, my family had seen him do that many times, so we weren't really too confident that he was going to stay stopped this time. But my brother came home from detox, he.

Joined a 12 step recovery group. He made friends there. He, he took all the suggestions that people talk about when you go to that fellowship. And he did a dramatic turnaround, and I stayed out of it. I wanted to help him. 

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: Why do you think you stayed out of it? Why, like what was, I think this is an important. Part of your story like

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: I look back to what happened to my brother John, and I didn't step in to help him, and eventually he died. So I wanted to jump in and, and help [00:30:00] my brother, Tim. Okay. But he told me, Tommy, I need to do this on my own. I was sober 20 wow. I was sober 25 years at the time. But Tim told me, Tommy, I need to do this on my own.

I stayed out of it. I stayed out of it. And he did great. Tim did great. He was so happy not drinking. It was quite miraculous to see, to be honest. Really. And it was humbling when he told me to stay away, like, don't jump in and help him. It was humbling for me to hear that. 'cause I figured, well, I, you know, I got all this sober time now, now I could get my brother sober.

And he told me that he could do it on, he was gonna help other, he was gonna ask other people for help. Okay. So yeah, Tim was doing very well. L and then COVID hit, [00:31:00] so Tim quit, quit drinking in November, 2019. The COVID lockdown happened in New York City in March of 2020. So during the lockdown. I mean, you couldn't go out, you couldn't do anything, you know, you couldn't go to the hospital, you couldn't go to the, you know, to anywhere.

And lemme just back up a little bit. In late 2018, Tim got diagnosed with a nine 11 cancer in late 2018. So he had Merkel cell carcinoma from exposure at the World Trade Center, but he got treated with, with he went to see a doctor and they did radiation. And in early 2019, he was given a clean bill of health, okay?

And he joined the nine 11 fund and they covered all his medical expenses. And the nine [00:32:00] 11 Fund is an incredible organization. The Tunnel to Towers Foundation is an incredible organization in New York City that helps first responders even today. I strongly support people. I ask people to support the, the nine 11 fund and the tunnel to Towers organization.

But like I said, during the lockdown Tim started experiencing symptom experiencing symptoms again, again, of his cancer. And he wasn't able to see his doctor because of the COVID lockdown. So Tim, during the summer of 2020, was gradually getting sicker and sicker, and we all thought that it was probably the nine 11 cancer coming back, but we didn't want to face it.

It was too scary to talk about, but it got to the point where he was so sick. We told him, you have to go to the hospital. [00:33:00] So I took Tim to the hospital in September of 2020. He was not doing well. He was in the hospital a couple of days. They weren't quite sure what was going on with him. We told the doctor about his nine 11 diagnosis. A few days after that they told us that the cancer had returned, the cancer had metastasized, and it was incredibly the worst diagnosis that they could give us,

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: So it was very aggressive,

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: Yes, it had, it had spread to many parts of his body. Okay, so my brother went into the hospital September 24th, 2020, he just, every day. He just got sicker and sicker. [00:34:00] And then we had to tell him the truth that the cancer was back. And I think he, I think he knew because he would tell me, Tommy, I'm, I'm scared.

I'm scared. I don't know what's gonna happen. And I kept telling him, you know, Tim, it's, it's gonna be okay. I didn't know what else to tell him,

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: Yeah.

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: you know? So he went into the hospital September 24th, October 13th. 19 days later, Tim fell into a coma. But earlier that day, the doctors told us that he was going to pass away within a day or two. I don't know how the doctors knew that. But that's what they told us. So we, I started making phone calls to my, to my relatives and to Tim's childhood friends. And everybody started coming to the hospital basically [00:35:00] to say goodbye to him. 'cause he was still awake at this time. On October 12th, he was still awake.

So his friends were coming by to say, to say goodbye. And it, I look back on that and it's just, I don't know how he had the courage to, to get through that. It, it was, he knew what was happening. He knew he was dying, but he faced it with, with courage. He really did. And his kids came by. The next day I saw Tim for the last time on October 13th, he told me.

Never to forget about him. And I told, I promised him, I, yeah, I promised him I never would. And that night he fell into a coma. And the next morning we went back to the hospital. He was in intensive care, [00:36:00] hooked up to a ventilator, and we decided with my, with my my niece and nephew, we decided not to, not to let him stay like that. So we decided to let him pass away.

So I held his hand and with his kids, and his kids were holding his hand and we took him off the life support. And he passed within a minute. He was 54 years old, and he was sober 11 months when he died.

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: That's amazing.

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: I'm grateful he did experience 11 months of sobriety before he passed.

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: Mm-hmm.

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: I cried my eyes out for weeks after that, and I still do.

I mean, it's just, it's just really sad, you know? 

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: Well that's your person. I mean, twins, you have a special bond. It's like, it's a very, very special bond. And I'm like you mentioned, I'm sure you were just so proud of [00:37:00] him for being able to experience life sober. And I mean all the things he did in nine 11 too are just incredible and it's so unfortunate that that's a part of who, how he passed.

But the twin, the twin bond is just, I mean, your story is a testament that to that, like how special it is. Yeah.

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: I, I kept telling him. Because we were talking about my brother John in the last few days of, of, of Tim's life at the hospital. And he, he kept talking about my brother John and my Aunt Angela. And he said, Tommy, I'm, I'm probably gonna see them in a few days. And I said, well, I, if you do, just please tell them that we all love them and we miss them, you know? So yeah, my brother is interred with my brother John and my parents and my Aunt Angela is in the same cemetery a little bit further away. But yeah, you know, I know my story's not unique, but it's, it's [00:38:00] my story and, as I said earlier, I'm still quite amazed that I've come through all this trauma and loss relatively sane, you know,

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: And still sober. That's

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: sober.

Yeah. And, and I try to help other people as much as I can, which is, that's my career now. I help people suffering from addiction issues. 

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: Let's talk about this, Tommy. It's a great transition into this. So let's talk about this. Let's talk about what you're doing. Tell us a little bit about your organization and what you guys do, because we're so excited to be partnered with you guys on this because the amount of siblings that you guys listen that have lost a sibling to addiction, and some of you guys are struggling with it yourself.

So let's talk, yeah, dive into this. Share a little bit about how you started this and tell us about your organization.

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: Yeah. Thank you. Well, the organization is called Sober Companion Los Angeles. Basically it's an addiction treatment company. And what my, I started my company back in 2014 [00:39:00] as a way to give back and to help other families that suffer from addiction or, or mental health crises and, and things like that. I retired from a, my regular union job, and then I started my own company with this addiction treatment service. So basically what we do is we're available nationwide and we do interventions. We help people get into treatment, get into detox, get into rehab. We do recovery coaching. do what's called sober companion work, where we stay with people in their homes and to help them and, and support them when they're in early recovery. So I've been doing that for the last 11 years. And even though I'm a native New Yorker, I've branched out to Los Angeles. So I have my company out in LA now, [00:40:00] and as I said, it's called Sober Compan Los Angeles. You can find us. On the internet, the name of the website is sober companion los angeles.com, and I'm on Instagram at Sober Companion Los Angeles.

So people out there in the audience can find me on the internet. If, if your family or any loved ones are suffering from addiction issues give us a call. We're available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. We'll, we're available nationwide, you know, if you guys need help with any kind of issue or just some feedback on getting help for a family member.

Yeah, my phone number's on the website, the phone calls come directly to me and my phone is always on,

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: Mm-hmm.

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: I'll do my best to, to help. To help you guys if you have any questions about seeking help for a family member or getting help for yourself. So I appreciate the opportunity to talk about my, [00:41:00] my, my company and the services we offer.

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: Yeah, it's, it's such a great fit for us and, and your story. I just, I loved that we connected on TikTok and I, I just felt that this would be such a good message for our siblings because there's a lot of siblings that have lost more than one sibling. There's a lot of siblings that have lost siblings to addiction, and there's a lot of twins out there.

So you are gonna connect with so many of our folks in the audience that listen. And we're gonna put all of the information for your incredible organization in the show notes, so it's really easy for them to access. I'll put your phone number in there. I'll put all of that in there. But I wanna ask you a couple things too that I think will help our audience, if you don't mind, Tommy.

So something that comes up so often with, with siblings and, you know, when they've lost a sibling to addiction. I wanna ask you some questions about that, but I also wanna ask you some more proactive questions too. So we're gonna do that, and then we're gonna do some proactive as well. So. Oftentimes, and, and you've talked about this in your own story in this episode, oftentimes siblings [00:42:00] will ask me, a lot of you guys listening will ask me questions like, well, Maya, like if I had, if I had just, you know, gone to my sibling and, and if I could have just stopped them from drinking, or if I could have just stopped them from using, you know, fill in the blank, right?

I could have saved them. I could have saved them. What advice do you give folks like that, Tommy, because I'm sure, like you mentioned more with your, probably with your brother John, and then as time progressed with Tim, that was also a thing, especially with you being sober, right? For so many years. But I think it's a really wonderful part of your story where you were like, no, Tim wanted to do this on his own.

And what I've heard from so many people over the years is some, you have to be ready. You have to be ready to embrace. Sobriety and, but I wanna hear this from you. Like what advice would you give siblings that are like, if only I could have just gotten him sober, if only I could have stopped him from doing this or her From doing what [00:43:00] perspective?

You have much, much deeper perspective on this. This is what you do. Can you share with us thoughts on that? Because I think it eats people alive after a loss like this.

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: No, of course. That's a great question. I actually get asked that question a lot. Now, every fight family dynamic is, is different. My family dynamic was, was filled with existing addiction issues. Okay. And my family dynamic was filled with denial about addiction. Okay. Now denial is a very common theme in people who have addiction.

They deny that they have it, okay? So in my family background, we didn't talk about our skeletons in the closet, so to speak. Okay? So we danced around that subject of my brother John's addiction, hoping he would grow out of it. [00:44:00] And we were waiting for him to hit a bottom. But his bottom was that he died.

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: Yeah.

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: When family say we have to wait until he hits the bottom, I don't agree with that. 'cause the, if the person is a real addict or an alcoholic, the bottom is death. And it doesn't matter if you are 25 years old or 85 years old. Waiting for a person. Waiting for an addict to hit bottom to help them is dangerous advice.

And I don't give that advice to families. I say, talk about it. Addiction is rooted in isolation. Okay. What's the opposite of isolation? Connection. Talk about what's going on with your family member. Talk about it. Not in a tough love [00:45:00] approach, but in a loving approach. Okay. But a stern approach. Let them know that you care about them and you love them and you wanna help them. Okay. As far as somebody needs to be willing, I can understand that. Okay. They have to have a desire to wanna stop. But again, once you have a severe case of addiction, a lot of people lose the ability on whether they can choose to stop or not. They're too physically addicted. They can't stop in their on their own.

They have to go to a hospital or a detox or a treatment center. Okay? Now, if you're talking to your family member and they just say, listen, I have no interest in stopping, then there's really not a lot you can do. [00:46:00] Some addicts and alcoholics, they pursue it the ultimate bottom, which is death,

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: Yeah.

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: really sad.

You can't force anybody to get sober. It doesn't work.

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: Yeah.

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: When you force somebody to get sober, they get resentful. And more times than not, they go back to the addiction. If they show you some kind of willingness to want to get help, you have to take advantage of that opportunity right away. I do interventions all the time.

And if the person has a little bit of willingness, that's when you take them to a detox,

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: You strike while the iron's hot at that moment. That's the moment, yeah.

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: Because that willingness might go away the next day if you wait. Okay. But again, if your family member is in such dire condition, you might have to just call 9 1 1 and take them to a hospital.[00:47:00] 

The day my brother John died, looking back in a, in a perfect world, we would've just called 9 1 1 right away and taken him to a hospital.

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: Mm-hmm.

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: But we didn't know. I didn't know at the time how serious. It was that day, I thought he would just sleep it off like he always did. And he'll wake up in a few hours, or he'll wake up tomorrow and he'll be okay.

I mean, he won't be okay, but he'll be alive. But that day he, he died, you know? So yeah, as far as the topic of somebody has to want it, I, I agree with that. 

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: But it's, you're also describing it's not so black and white. There's a balancing act to that too. Like, you also, if you're noticing that there's problems in them, you have to act. And like when you see a window of opportunity in a, in a positive way, and they want it, you know, it's, it's a, it's not so black and white like they have to wanna [00:48:00] do it or nothing.

Like you're also loving them and caring for them. So it's, it's a lot, it's a lot for the, the folks that are loving them. So I appreciate you sharing that insight because I think sometimes we don't really know how to balance it. And so you giving that insight that there are. And the fact that you, as your organization, you guys do interventions?

It can be, I'm sure those are exceptionally challenging because people are gonna react in different ways. I'm sure some people shut down. I'm sure some people are extremely defensive. I'm sure like there's a mix, I would assume, right, Tommy?

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: Oh, of course when I do interventions, especially with younger people, like in their twenties, they can be especially defiant. And when I walk in the room and they see me, they just shut down and they tell me to go away. I don't want your help. And I really feel for the families because, you know, they've reached out to me and my company for help and I'm trying to help them, but as soon as the person who is affected sees me, they [00:49:00] shut down.

And I, I get it. was 20 years old and my parents made me quit drinking, I would've been pissed off too, you know? But I see that even in older people, know? So again, you know, you're right what you said about it's not black and white as far as either you have to wanna get sober or not. There are gray areas in there, okay?

But remember this, and I, I stress this to family members all the time. your family member has a real bonafide case of addiction or alcoholism, okay? First of all, it's not a temporary condition. It's not gonna go away. you have it, you have it forever. not like some other medical condition where you can take some medicine and be okay, and it never comes back.

Once you have addiction. [00:50:00] It is not going anywhere. And unless you treat it, it's gonna get progressively worse because I've never seen an alcoholic become a social drinker. I've never seen that. And I've been around drunks my whole life. I've never seen that. So, and again, it doesn't matter if you're 25 or 65.

Okay? What matters is that you have a little bit of willingness to ask for help just a little bit. And I tell people all the time, if you don't want my help, that's okay. If you don't wanna see me ever again, that's okay. You know? But if you do want my help in the future, my phone's always on. You know, I wish I could drag people into rehab and detox, but you can't do that.

It, it rarely works and might work in the short term. But [00:51:00] long-term abstinence is really rooted in a willingness and a desire to stay stopped,

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: Because it's a choice you make every day. It's a choice you've made every day for 31 years.

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: Right, right. All I do is, you know, what I did yesterday to stay sober. I need to do it again today. You know, and I have to stay on top of my, my recovery program, so to speak, because life on life's terms is going to hit you sooner or later. my brother Tim, when he got sick and passed away, you know, that, that night Tim died was the closest I've come to picking up a drink.

I stood outside a bar in Queens, New York the night Tim died,

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: Did you really?

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: and I was crying my eyes out and I thought I was gonna go in that bar and drink.

I was having this dialogue with myself, Tommy, you're about to, to throw away [00:52:00] 26 years of sobriety. And I said, I can't do that. I can't do that to Tim. I can't do that to my family. And I picked up my phone instead and I told people I need help. I was 26 years and I said, I need help and people help me. So if you're out there and you're in a bad way, it's okay to ask for help. It really is.

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: Mm-hmm.

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: If my brother John had told me that day, he needed help. You know what I mean?

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: Could have changed a lot. Yeah. So let me ask you this, Tommy, to, to go into this part of it because a lot of our siblings that, listen, I mentioned this earlier, but they feel so, so guilty, right? How did you manage that? Because with John, like you didn't know, you went and, you know, you and your father pulled him out of the street.

Like, how did you manage that guilt over the years? Because [00:53:00] I would think like logically through the years you can realize, well, I didn't know. I didn't know. And they're, you know, but a lot of siblings feel so guilty, especially when they found their sibling or you know, like you did and there's, oh my God.

Like how do you work through that guilt? How do you process that? Because at the end of the day, logically we can tell ourselves, and we know logically it's not our fault, right? We didn't give this, we didn't give them alcohol or drugs. Like we didn't, we didn't have them overdose, right? But. We're human and we love our brother or sister who died from this, right?

So we feel guilty, like if only I had just seen him a little earlier, or if only I, you know, there's all of that, which can drive us crazy. How did you work through that, and what advice would you give to other people to work through that?

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: Well, my story with that is that a few days after my brother John died, my father realized that I was in a bad way.

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: Yeah,

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: So my father [00:54:00] recommended that I, I talk to a psychiatrist. Professional help. I'm a big fan of professional help.

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: me too. Mm-hmm.

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: Okay. I'm not a clinician. I'm a big fan of telling my client, of advising my clients to get professional help.

I did that. I talked to a psychiatrist for months and months after my brother's death. Okay. And I was able to sort out a lot of that, A lot of the issues around the guilt I had. Okay, now looking back, okay, my brother John was a great guy. He wasn't a bad person, but when he fell into his addiction, he was sick. He was sick, and he paid the ultimate price, which I know that was the last thing he thought would happen to him, [00:55:00] as we all did. But for whatever reason, that's the way it happened, and I can't change it. I have to accept the things I can't change. You know, but as, as far as sorting through the guilt, I, I sought out professional help.

And later on in my personal recovery program, I was able to do a lot of inventory about my brother John. And, and I actually went to the cemetery and I made an amend to him. I spoke to him and I told him that I was, that, you know, I told him that I missed him and that I was sorry, what happened? And, and I was gonna see him again one day, you know? Which I know I will. And it makes, it makes that burden of guilt a little bit less. So yeah. Getting back to the topic, I would recommend talking to a [00:56:00] clinician, talking to me, even a member of the clergy, if that's, that's a great thing too.

I've done that many times, you know? And they don't charge you anything.

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: Right. So then there's that too. Yeah. I couldn't agree with you more. I was really curious about your perspective. I could not agree with you more, even though I lost my sibling in a, in a very different way. Tommy, I don't know, I haven't shared this with you and some of the audience knows this, but my brother struggled with addiction.

I always thought that that was the gonna be, the call I got, it was homicide instead. And I'll never forget you, you kind of brought this up as you know, you were talking this, you brought this memory up in my mind. I'll never forget when my brother's addiction was really bad and you know, he died at 27 from homicide.

But I remember there, when you have someone in your life as you know better than me, that struggles with drugs or alcohol and or both, there are moments where it gets really dark, as we've talked about on this episode. And there was a really dark time. And I remember my dad. I [00:57:00] went to my dad and I was like, you know, he's, he's bad dad.

Like we've got, like, he was on the streets like it was bad. And there were times when it was like, you know, the up and down and I remember my dad being pretty in denial about it. My mom was too. They both were in denial about it. So I connect with your story on that for sure. And my dad said, well, you know, may.

You had issues with drugs and alcohol, which I did, I did in my teenage years, but I've never been an addict. You know, I had issues with it, but I can socially drink now. So I connect with that part too. I was like, wow, like this is, and I thought for a long time, maybe I was an addict, but I saw the difference with my brother and the fact that I'm able to not have it in my life.

And that was a journey for me. But I remember telling my dad, I said, yeah, but dad, he's not the same. I was even insightful enough at the time to just know. I was like, this isn't the same. He's like, yeah. He's like, ma, you know, you, I remember when I went off to college, there was a moment for me, I was very dark.

I had been doing a lot of drugs and alcohol, and I was like, I don't wanna end up like this. And I just changed. But I knew there was something different in my brother where he was not able to do that. [00:58:00] And that's when I was like. In my early twenties and you know, he was young and three years younger than me, and I was like, he's an addict.

Like, that was my realization of what addiction really was. And so I think I just connected with what you said a couple topics earlier when you were like, well, like, look like also it's family dynamics and people recognizing and not recognizing. Both my parents weren't in a place of really, and they've had to kind of work through that themselves as well, because as a result of his addiction, he was definitely around people that weren't great for him.

So that's, that's a lot. And that's, and that's very intense. And yeah, my brother was not open for help. I don't even know if he ever really realized where he was, but I definitely did. And that's, it's intense. So I just wanted to kind of highlight on that of what you were saying earlier because that's, that's a moment when you realize that

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: It's very humble, it's very humbling to admit that you can't help your own family member, you know? And it, it's really because I, I, I know the feeling, you know, that, you know, you, you, we throw a word [00:59:00] around called powerless in recovery, and sometimes we are powerless over our family members

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: yeah,

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: certain extent.

And it's, it's sad that addiction, even after all these years and all the medical advancements and all the. Fancy rehabs and all this, that people are still dying every day, you know? And if it's not directly through addiction, it's through other things like homicide and drunk driving that are all circled around addiction, you

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: They are.

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: it's it's it's a scourge that's not going away.

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: Mm-hmm.

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: And I'm doing my best with me and my company a little bit at a time to help families the, the best we can. Lemme just throw in one more thing. I have a 19-year-old daughter, she's never seen me drink. Her name is Ava. Hi Ava. I

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: Hi, Eva. Yeah.

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: And her mom, Christine. And I just wanna say a shout out to Jill and Phil.

They're on my staff at Sober Companion Los Angeles. What's up [01:00:00] guys? And yeah, this has been a great, a great day. Thank you so much.

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: Oh, it's my absolute pleasure. And yes, shout out to all of you guys and thank you for doing this amazing work and I'm just so excited to partner with you guys, and I'm glad you found me, Tommy. Before we remind everyone where they can find you, of course it's gonna be in the show notes. We're gonna put it all out there.

Anything else I didn't ask you today that you wanna share with the audience? You guys are doing really, really important work, so thanks again for sharing all of that.

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: Well, yeah. The name of the company again, is Sober Companion Los Angeles. But we're available nationwide. We'll do international jobs. I've been to Europe. I've been all over, you know, helping people. So if families are in trouble and they wanna ask questions or get some feedback you can find the website at sober companion los angeles.com.

I'm on Instagram at Sober Companion Los Angeles. My phone number is on the website, reach out 24 hours a day. If any siblings out there, I need some feedback on, on what they're going through [01:01:00] you know, I'm so glad that I found your channel last year on TikTok. As soon as I saw the title, I was like, holy cow, I gotta meet this woman because it's an important topic. It really is. And it makes me feel that I'm not alone in the losses I've had with my two brothers. And, and you're gonna help a lot more people with this platform. So, you know, I appreciate what you do as well. Thank you.

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: Thank you Tommy, and we'll put all that information in the show notes and we're excited to have you in the community. I'm glad you found me too. And thank you for sharing John and Tim with us today. We appreciate it.

SS S8, Ep 6- Tommy View: Thanks again.

SS S8, Ep 6- Maya View -Tommy: And thank you guys so much for listening to the Surviving Siblings podcast.

Thank you so much for listening to the Surviving Siblings Podcast. If you enjoyed this episode as much as I did creating it for you, [01:02:00] then share it on your chosen social media platform. And don't forget to tag us at Surviving Siblings Podcast so that more surviving siblings can find us. Remember to rate, review and subscribe to the podcast.

And don't forget to follow us on all social media platforms. We're on Instagram, Twitter, and TikTok at Surviving Siblings Podcast. All links can be found in the show notes, so be sure to check those out too. Thank you again for the support. Until the next episode, keep on surviving my surviving siblings.