Earla Loses Leigh-Ann To Pancreatic Cancer

Earla Loses Leigh-Ann To Pancreatic Cancer- Podcast
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[00:00:00] Welcome to the Surviving Siblings Podcast. I'm your host Maya ler as a surviving sibling myself. I knew that I wanted to share my story, my brother's story. I lost my brother to a homicide in November, 2016, and after going through this experience, I knew that I wanted to share my story and his story, and now it's your turn to share your stories.

Today I have a really incredible surviving sibling. With us, we have Earla Dawn with us. Earla, welcome to the show. Thank you, Maya. Thank you for inviting me. Yeah, my pleasure. I've wanted to connect with you for a while. We've been, gosh, in the same.

Social circles for a while. So thanks for coming on today and sharing your beautiful sister with us, so, oh, thank you. Yeah. Tell [00:01:00] us a little bit about you and your sister and your relationship. Take us back. Tell us about you guys. Yeah. I look back and I think we really did have a great childhood together.

There's four of us, Earl, Bruce, Leanne, Allen, Leanne was two and a half, about two and a half years younger than me. People always thought we were twins 'cause we were the same size. I was short, she was tall. So we it out, we grew up in the prairies first in Manitoba and then we moved to Saskatchewan with our family and we just had lots of fun.

I always like to caveat though, that, we fought like cat and dog. I'm not kidding you. We, we really did go, uh oh, probably physically, but more like kind of wrestling. 'cause we had two brothers. So lots of wrestling moves happening. But, we had fun together and when we were, like in our early twenties, we both had children and we just said, we're not gonna fight anymore.

And we never did. We got along really well. We are very different. She was always really put together. Her hair was coughed and she just [00:02:00] always looked like a million bucks. I did not, we were very different, but we, we still had lots of fun together. Our children grew up together, so that was, a really lovely part of life together part.

I'll always be eternally grateful for her having a daughter before I had my kids so I could learn from her. She was a great mom. She was a dog lover. She, had all sorts of different jobs and, when she was in her forties, she went back to school and then a little while later she got a divorce and she moved to Spain.

And thank goodness for, a really good phone plan. We learned Skype and we, I don't know if we talked every day, but almost she moved there in 2006 she moved there and I went to visit her three times at least. And, even though we were like a world away, we still were very connected.

I was very lucky to have her in my life for, 51 and a half [00:03:00] years. Wow. Yeah. I, I know that was the energy I was getting when you were showing that. I'm like, sounds like you guys were each other's like cheerleaders and I love that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was my person and I was hers. And, uh, you know, she went through a lot of stuff but we were always there to listen.

She lived very close to me when she lived here in British Columbia. So we saw each other a lot and we had had the same group of friends. So yeah. So then when she decided to move to Spain, I took her to the airport. I cried all weekend. I

my dad was a big letter writer. He was a stamp collector, so. It was just a real part of us to always be sending letters and postcards and connecting that way. Yeah. I love that. And, and thank goodness. Yeah, you were, because she moved and it's, it was just kind of like you said, like you learned Skype. Like that's when that technology was first starting to like come out.

Thank goodness for it. So you guys could stay connected. So. Earla. Tell us a little bit [00:04:00] about what happened. So we know you lost your sister to cancer. Mm-hmm. But walk us through that. So she used to always come home in the fall.

She, loved British Columbia in the fall because it's really so beautiful here with mist in the trees, because Spain is beautiful too, but very different. And, she'd always, you know, come for a checkup. And she had always had kind of like. Stomach issues. And, I think the, you know, after a pap smear, is that what you guys called it in the states?

You know, like for checking for cervical cancer? She'd come and have that done and one time there was like some spots, or not spots, but just like, kind of iffy cells, but, you know, she got it checked out, nothing was going on. So she was in Spain, I don't know, probably about five or six years at least.

And she wasn't feeling good and she was playing paddle, which is kind of a pickleball game. And one of her people, like, she just said, I just can't, you know, this isn't feeling right. And before that, she, her and I, whenever we got together, we would always run. We just loved [00:05:00] running together.

And, when she came home June for her daughters. Graduation from nursing school and Leanne, she could run like three blocks and that was it. She goes, my stomach is just really sore. So she went back to Spain, um, in June and then just not feeling well. And then, probably about two days before, Canada's Thanksgiving is the middle of October.

There's a growth on your pancreas and, he basically said, you need to go home. So within 24 hours she packed up a huge suitcase. Her and her fiance, Steve, a lovely man that she met in, , Spain. First of all, she called me and said, I've got a growth on my pancreas.

And I said, what's a pancreas like? I'm not a body person. So I had no idea what it is. And then, I just found something that I wrote the other day. It was wanted [00:06:00] new pancreas and it was something funny I wrote for her. It was, because, you know, do you know the show ER.

Yes. George Clooney and all that. Okay. So that was our show. So Thursday mornings when she lived in Canada, we, we always talk, or it was on the sh Yeah. Anyway, the night be, the night after the show, we'd always talk about it. And so I made this ad that we're, we're gonna find her new pancreas and, you know, just really, because I knew it would make her laugh, because, yeah.

And the day that Leanne phoned me and said, I'm gonna be coming home tomorrow. Can you pick me up from the airport? I said, sure. And I told a friend who was a pharmacist. And as soon as I said to my sister has a growth on her pancreas, she goes, oh, and I knew that that was, I mean. My friend Fatou was not a demonstrative person.

I knew that that was serious. I looked it up on Google, I looked it up, the statistics, and honestly, I have never used Dr. Google again because it was not, the news [00:07:00] that I was hoping for. Yeah. So she, so she flew home and, um, you know, she came home like she came off the plane and, and her. Her fiance Steve says, I thought you guys would be crying.

How come you're not crying? And we just said, well, we're happy to be together. Like, you know, this is happening, but we're just happy to be together. So, you know, then, you know, okay, we're gonna get you healthy. And, my brother was looking up, you know, mega doses of vitamin C and all this stuff, and Leanne just said, we're gonna wait and talk to the oncologist.

And so she went through some tests and I'm kind of telling y'all about this, Myra, be Maya, because when you're told about a, a terminal cancer or you know, something serious, there's all these little things that kind of go along with, with the event. I agree. I agree.

And, I love it. We need to hear all of this earla. I love the detail so too. Yeah. Yeah, I think so too because, um. You know why? Because I think we also did things right? I we [00:08:00] did. I think we did a lot of things right? Yeah. One of them was listening to Leanne. I think sometimes people kind of think, oh, I know best you know, I'll look after you.

I always went by her lead and she said, I don't wanna do anything until we go see Dr. We, we forget his name. We call him Dr. Zed. So it was myself, her fiance Steve, her daughter Sarah, who was an a nurse. Registered nurse by then up north in British Columbia. But she came down and stayed with us and we went into this little room and he drew a picture and he said, it's all over.

Leanne said, well, what about chemotherapy or radiation? He said, that would give you a week. Wow. And that was, uh, like about, that was November 8th. Because I always say that's my worst day because that was the, you know, like the, the, the illness was confirmed that it was terminal. And that was just so out of the blue.

. So I kind of think [00:09:00] in a way that that was a gift because we really just lived our lives. Yes, she got progressively sicker. Yes., She couldn't eat everything she wanted to.

She got weaker, but we didn't have an end date. And I kind of. I kinda like that, like, I mean, it was okay for us. Do you feel like it allowed you guys to live more in the moment? Oh yes. Like the day-to-day moment, right? Oh yeah, definitely. Because it wasn't that date, it wasn't that, you know, oh, you got six weeks or something like that.

We just lived every day and, we watched our favorite movies. You know, like she loved that time of year. So it was like one day we, you know, had, I made a big Turkey and stuff, but she couldn't eat that much and she was never really an eater anyway, so, um, yeah.

When Leanne came home and she never really liked classical music. She liked like Celtic music and other stuff, and, but she, she said, I want classical music. So we always had it in the background. So it was very, I created [00:10:00] this really calm space for her, which was, you know, really lovely. 'cause again, I was following her lead.

Our brothers came for a couple of days. That was really nice. But it was, and she had some friends come and visit, but it was just mostly family that she wanted to have around., So, I know it's different. We used her for terminologies in different countries, but mm-hmm. Was she on what you would consider here in the US hospice? Like you had someone coming to the house to help, like how was that working for you guys? Yeah, we, it's funny because, I always find it funny to say the word funny when I'm talking about stuff like this.

Anyway, it was different about probably four years before a, a very good friend of mine introduced me to hospice, and so I knew what was, I knew the workings of it. And so I knew about palliative care. There is a, a great, um, hospice facility. But we had palliative nurses come in, so it wasn't hospice [00:11:00] nurses, it was palliative from it's called Fraser Health Region.

So they came in, I think they came twice a week, and then we had, a pain doctor come. I think he, he came once a week. So that was from like, say October or November 8th until, say December 8th or ninth, something like that. Um, so that was good because they could answer our questions.

That's the other thing, Maya, is that a lot of, I don't feel like. The medical system is really forthcoming for information, right? Like, you know, we had to really, because sometimes, you know, people don't wanna hear, but I just thought, you know, we're all adults here and we need to know.

Yeah. If you've lost a sibling, trust me. I know exactly how you feel. I'm Maya. I'm the host of the Surviving Siblings Podcast, but I'm also the founder of Surviving Siblings Support. I know that going through this experience is extremely difficult. Whether you've lost a brother like me, a [00:12:00] sister, or perhaps more than one sibling, trust me, we know exactly how you feel.

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So you feel like you had to really advocate, obviously. Oh, yes. Looking at and ask all of those questions and find all of that out and give her the information too, because then you know, you were following. I love, I love that. I feel like it's such a theme in your story that you were. Going with what she wanted.

Right. And you were like, yes. But I mean, how can you do that if you don't have all the information to your point? Well, that's right. Yes. And um, you know, I mean, I was lucky 'cause I did have an insight into hospice and palliative care, but, there's still a lot to learn. And, do you know, do you know Hospice nurse Judy, Julie on online?

Instagram. Okay. I sure do. She's, I think, I think that should be in everybody's podcast list because Yes. You know, since then I've learned so much and, and she's [00:14:00] reiterated that what I did learn, but, um, so Leanne never went into hospice. Mm-hmm. She, so, um. So her and Steve got married in our, like, she, she made herself, she didn't call it a bucket list, she called it a list for life.

And she made a list of I think 10 things. Seven was number seven, was get married. Number one was touch a monkey. She wanted to hug a monkey. She loved animals. She had, she always had dogs, but she wanted to hug a monkey. And she said I wanted to go sailing. And then she, a friend, a very good friend of hers, Joni, came to visit and uh, she told Joni, I wanna go on a honeymoon.

I wanna go to Hawaii. And so Leanne and Steve planned a trip to Hawaii and she asked me if Michael and I wanted to go and I would've loved to have gone on a holiday with them. However, I was off work from stress leave and I didn't think it really looked good that I was gonna Hawaii. Right. You know, like, I, [00:15:00] I'm really gonna de-stress guys, I'm gonna to Hawaii on this leave.

Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. She did say to me, um, what, um. Early. Ann said, you know, should I go for a week or 10 days? I said, Leanne, go for 10 days because you know, you have to travel and stuff. And it was, I mean, I have to say Steve was absolutely Mr. Wonderful. But that was a gutsy thing to do, to travel with somebody who's terminally ill.

That was my next question for you, like, was it okay for her to travel? Yes. Was, yeah. Okay. Well, you know, she. She talked to, she, you know, she, we had a really good nurse practitioner and she talked at length to her. So her medication was down pat. Everything, everything seemed to go, she was still mobile.

She was articulate. She didn't have any, it, you know, her brain wasn't affected. She cognitively, she was fine. She did kind of, kind of. Become more childlike. Uh, my sister was always kind of the serious one and, but with a very funny streak, but she was kind of, she [00:16:00] got sort of, kind of childlike, so that was interesting.

But, she wanted to go to Hawaii and she said to me, I wanna go warm my bones. Oh, and who could blame her? Because we're in British Columbia. It's cold. Right? Rainy and dark. So, and she loves Spain, so she couldn't go back to see Spain. So Hawaii was the next best thing. And you know, I have some wonderful pictures that Steve sent of her in the water.

And she's, she's, there's one picture that she's kind of looking at Steve like this, and her little hands look like a heart. It's just kind of, you know, super sweet. Super sweet. Oh, so special that you have those like, yeah. Yeah. Yes. That's beautiful. I always like to caveat when I'm talking to people too, that I am a seasoned sibling.

I'm year 12, so I can look back. I can look at those pictures now. It might make me sad, but it brings me more joy. So, you know, that's what, and again, that's why I like to talk to people because I didn't know about hope. I didn't know if I was gonna be able to [00:17:00] survive after my sister died. Right. And so, um, I did, and I'll keep.

Surviving and thriving. And, um, so yeah, so they went to, to Hawaii and they, uh, I think they went on a plane ride and they did sailing. Uh, they forgot her medication. So they had to find a, a pharmacist. Yeah, it was, it was, you know, kind of hairy, but you know, like they're all intelligent people and they worked it out.

So again, don't be scared to take a trip, like if that's something that you wanna do. And, and, yeah. So she came home, I think it was December. 15th or 16th. And she had a hard time walking and, and, uh, she wasn't communicating that much. We had Christmas together. That was beautiful.

And then she just kind of like, she was still, she was walking two days before she passed. Before she died. Yeah. Wow. I know. She, I think it's the human spirit. And, you [00:18:00] know, there's some incredible, things that happened. Like she, she was in this room and she goes, oh, there's a bunch. Kids out there waiting for me, or you know, they're standing around waiting and, uh, she saw kids in our, on her stairwell and she kind of like, you know, like, yeah.

So, you know, like, and, and some people would say, oh, it's just the drugs. Well, you know what, we don't know that. And I think it kind of gives me hope and and comfort that, you know, that maybe people were waiting for. On the other side, we don't know. It's life's death's. Big mystery. I think it was two nights before she died.

I have a hide of bed in here and, and her daughter was sleeping here. And, , two nights before T Steve said, I am not getting any sleep. Leanne's just moving around too much. So I came in here and s and slept with Leanne and I had an incredible experience. So we're laying together and I'm thinking about my son and 'cause he is, he makes me laugh.

And [00:19:00] so in my head, I'm laughing about something that my son said or did or whatever, and Leanne starts laughing. Oh, and that's, oh yeah. And it was like, okay, we don't need words. We do not need words. Yeah. That's gonna make me cry. And I'm not a big crier, but oh my God, oh my God, I'm getting shares thinking about it because Yeah.

You know, and again, like, because people don't talk about stuff like that, they don't talk about grief dreams after a, a person died. That, you know, that's the kind of thing that gave me hope and I hold onto it. Like there's somehow that we can still connect. So yeah, so I slept with her that night and then the next day, um, and I also was writing at the time too, like, so that was, I'm so glad that I documented stuff.

Yeah. I've since learned that aunties are the documentarians of a family. So I'm, yes, I'm a full fledged auntie. And then the next night, um, her daughter came in here and, um, again, I'll [00:20:00] tell you the whole story, Maya, because you need to. Yeah. Yes. And mm-hmm. People, again, don't talk about it that much. So Sarah woke me up about four o'clock in the morning.

She said, auntie, can you come and help me with mom? Leanne was sitting up in her in the bed cross-legged. It was like she was doing yoga and this is a woman that did not like yoga. So she was sitting there, yo, uh, you know, in her stance and she, can you help me? So he, you know, kind of tucked her in and stuff.

I just, I said, Sarah, I'll just lay here in a sleeping bag, be near you. So I was listening to music and I was writing, and then she, she came and said, auntie, I think my mom's gone. So I came in and, oh, so the other thing too is the one good thing about when you're, when you're connected with palliative.

Helpers a nurse death, doula hospice is that they can prepare you for times like this. And because, um, Leanne's death was going to be a known death, [00:21:00] the, we filled out this one page thing from palliative and they took it away. So that meant that we didn't have to panic. We didn't have to phone somebody, you know, we didn't have, you know, we, we could just let time evolve.

And that was. Oh, nice. So beautiful. Yeah. Mm-hmm. I kept saying to Sarah, we have the permission of time. Right. We don't have to rush anything. And that's the other thing. So, you know, I'm listening to Sarah, but I, or Leanne. And then I also listened to Sarah. She was 35 at the time, right? Full fledged adult.

She can make decisions. So I tried to find Leanne's Pulse and I'm not good at that. And, and then I, you know, went and told my husband and he said, he said, check her. I think, you know, when you're groin or something. I said, Michael, she's my sister. I can't check down there. And, and Steve was upset he couldn't.

But you know, I mean, she died so Sarah's so the bed, so Sarah's sleeping here and Leanne died with her [00:22:00] face, turned to Sarah, eyes open and smiling. Oh my God. And I like to tell that story too, because I mean, not every death is like that. She had a very peaceful death,

we think she died around maybe six or seven. The palliative nurse came. Her and Sarah kind of cleaned her up. 'cause that's another thing that people aren't aware of, that your bo bodily fluids, sometimes they leave your body. Right. So, um, you know, she had the fuzziest cutest pajamas and I put them on her and she was starting to get a little stiff, but I thought, darn it, you're gonna wear these 'cause, you know, just, I wanted her to be cozy and stuff.

Mm-hmm. So she looked great. She was in this room. So, yeah, so I think I, I think about 10 o'clock, I think about maybe 10 or 11 people were in the room. I can't remember there, but, but we, so there was two people that sat on either side of, of Leanne and then chairs around the room, [00:23:00] and one lady had never seen anybody.

Dead before. So she said, I don't know if I wanna come in there or not. I said, you, we there, we've got the loft right there. You can sit there if you want. Um, my friend fat too, she couldn't find a babysitter, so her son's downstairs playing a video game or something. Mm-hmm. My family had already, they were gone for a walk in, in, in the woods.

So it was just the girls and actually Sarah's um. Boyfriend at the time we told him, we said, you're the token male. Yeah. And, and so we did a meditation

so I, I led the meditation and basically it was, I think we had some music playing and then it was like. He was meeting Leanne up on the mountain. This is where I'm gonna cry because Oh my God, so beautiful. Because, um, I, you know, I kind of, I, it was a guided meditation, so I, you know, so it was, it was just lovely how we, when we got up there and I said, Leanne's gonna give you a message.

And it was so beautiful. So then we went around the room and [00:24:00] shared, and people loved that because, you know, they knew Leanne and, it just, you know, like it gave us comfort. I would say it gave us comfort and uh, I had said to a friend, I lit a candle as soon as Leanne died. And I said, she's not gonna leave here until the candle died down.

It was a long candle. So eventually, you know. You knew what you were doing earla with that long candle? Yeah. Yes. But it, you know, it was still only halfway, but, you know, throughout the day. Um, so people left and, um, so one of my friends, she said, Earla, if, if this ever happens for me, she goes, I'm gonna ask my husband to come and get you and do something like this.

'cause it was really, it was just a lovely, gentle, graceful way to honor a person, to, um, you know, I mean. Rightfully so. Birth is wonderful, but death is wonderful too. I haven't said that before, but it's so true. It's like I love that we to have [00:25:00] to, we have to honor how people leave. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And I do, and I think I, I think you've just hit on such, I mean, gosh, that's like the, that's the theme for our episode, I think, you know?

Mm-hmm. Is beautiful. But death is beautiful too. Mm-hmm. But I think what is so difficult for all of us that have lost a sibling, or if you're listening to this because you know someone that's lost a sibling, we. We don't always have a beautiful experience with it. Mm-hmm. Because of the trauma and the things that happen.

And so it's, I think it, the whole goal of this podcast, as you know, Earla, is to give hope, right? Mm-hmm. So yes, that's why it's so important that we have siblings on, like you who have some years under your belt, and I mean, you have over a decade, right? Mm-hmm. Yeah. And so I'm just approaching a decade and I feel like I have so much more to offer.

An audience, right? To hear this and to give hope versus, you know, in the first year I would've been just crying, right? I would've been, oh yes. So yes. You know, and that's, I, I get a lot of slack for that too. Sometimes early people are like, why can't I come on your show? And I'm like, [00:26:00] because the goal of the show is to make you walk away from the episode going.

Oh my God, like mm-hmm. If think of things differently, give you hope. Yes. Right. That you're gonna get through it. You can make it 12 years. Yes. You can make it 13 years, you can make it 20. You can do this. Yes. Because we've done this. And so I just love that sentiment that, you know, birth and death are beautiful.

Mm-hmm. Because, you know. In, in my own story, my brother dying so traumatically and suddenly, yes. Um, there were beautiful moments. Mm-hmm. And people thought I was nuts when I started talking about it. Like when I was washing my brother's hair and like getting him ready to see the rest of the family. There is beauty even in those really dark moments.

So I just, that's gonna stay with me all day today. I love that you said that. Mm-hmm. And you know, also I was there when she came home from the hospital. Right. If you're, if you're the older sibling, like that's, you're gonna have those memories, you know? And, and that's where I'm the oldest of four too. Er I don't think that.

Yeah. Oh, there you go. Say you oldest of four. Yeah. So, you know, um, [00:27:00] we, we are there. We are there. And that's why, you know, it's so important. Like your podcast is important because you're allowing people to witness because the whole. What's happening in the world right now? It's, it's that whole empathy, and if we have empathy and understanding, then we'll be kinder.

We'll, we will be more understanding. So, um, and you know, also Maya, is that. I have nieces and nephews that were around. There was a lot of young people around Sarah's friends, you know, mid thirties or my, my own kids were in their thirties then. And so you're your, you're their mentor. Mm-hmm. And I didn't have that when I was younger, so I felt like it boo, however you say it.

I felt like my actions, I had to be, um, full of integrity because people are watching and they, and they're gonna be learning. And that's the other thing, like, I called this the learning times [00:28:00] and I cut myself some slack. You know, if I had to do it over again, I would even have more grace for myself because, you know, you just wanna do it so well.

But, um. You did it pretty well, Earla. Mm-hmm. I'm just, I did, I'm gonna give you that credit there, but I want, could you share with us, if I could just double click on that for a second? How, how did you do that so well? Like, how did you give yourself, and you are saying, even looking back, you would give yourself even more grace.

Yeah. I think almost every person that comes on the show talks about giving grace. Giving grace, yes. Yeah. But I think it's, it becomes a little bit more. Tactile. Yes. Something we can, we can feel and look back on. Yes. And, and describe, because we can say that all day long, right? Mm-hmm. Yes. Give yourself great, but what does that really mean?

And what did that mean for you? Yes. I, I think like, I, I only just started using that 'cause I didn't quite get it myself. Mm-hmm. But, you know, um, I love, I love nature and. As you get older and you, you have [00:29:00] more say, self-love for yourself, you give yourself more grace. It's because you are, you are, you are connecting your nature.

So I think if you follow your nature, then you know, you don't fight against things, you don't expect things. If you really listen to yourself, then that's how, that's how you can, you know, give yourself grace or cut yourself some slack. Yeah. Um. Yeah. And, and I think, you know, even when you're looking after somebody, uh, like if I had to do it over again, I would definitely, like we, Michael and I did go away for, two nights and my sisters couldn't believe that we were going away, but I thought, I need to go away.

Like, I need to look after me. And that was good because then I came back and I was refreshed. Yes. But that I think is grace. Is looking after yourself. It's just a different way, a different word for it. The other thing is that I don't talk about this too much, but, um, continuing bonds, I didn't really know what that was until [00:30:00] nine days after I went to hospice and I learnt this term and I thought, well, what's, you know, what is that right?

I always said I wanted to write a book and it was gonna be about continuing bonds. So it's, I think chapter four in here. You know, I'd never done this before. I'd never looked after my sister before, so I actually wrote to my dad every day. My dad had been dead for about 30 years at the time.

And wait, you wrote to him every day while? Yeah. Did I actually, yeah. You know what? I just brought it out the other day. I called it Conversations with Dad. Oh my God. This is your next book, Earla. Yeah, exactly. Uh, every night, like I started the fall of 2012, so that's when Leanne came home. Mm-hmm. And I said, um, open my.

Hard at night, ask for dreams and listen to the message. There is peace and love in understanding. And then that dad said, dear one, thank you for being here, love dad. And he basically said, if you show up every day, I'll show up. So I, [00:31:00] so there's probably 30 pages in this book, so every day I would just write and it was like I would tune into him just like how I kind of tuned into my sister when she was laying here and I, she was laughing when she was, you know.

We'll call it, we'll call it mind melding. Yeah, I did. But I really do feel that, I mean, and it was very my nature 'cause Dad and I were letter writers, so it just was really, um, it. You know, and that was, so listening to that instead of like, uh, oh, you know, you should be doing more, whatever. Um, just really listening to that, I'm doing the best that I can, and that's why I always call it the learning times, because I was learning to look after Leanne and.

I think you did a good job, like you said. Yeah, I think you did a wonderful job, and I know everyone that listens to this episode and everyone that just knows you in the sibling community and knows your story, knows that you did a good job. But I think we're our own worst critic to your own point, right?

Oh, yes. And so it's [00:32:00] nice to kind of hear that sometimes from an outside source, like mm-hmm. You know, and I think that gives us, you know, the permission to, you know, give grace. But I like how you actually gave examples of giving grace, like that you went away for two nights and that you, mm-hmm. Dig things for yourself.

Yes. And I think, I think it's hard for us to do that, especially when we're losing our person. Yes. And that's why people listen to this show because you're losing your person, whether it's your brother or your sister, or God forbid more than one sibling. Mm-hmm. That's right. Which many people have lost more than one.

One. Yes, that's right. It's tough. And if, if we're a sibling, we. Like if you're, if you're lucky enough to get along with him, you care. So when you're gonna be looking after them either before or after they die, like you are a caregiver. And that's, you know, another thing that our culture, our society does not put weight in in that job.

And like even my, my brother wrote me last night and said, his mother-in-law, she's, she's, you know, she's dying. She's in, she's in palliative care right now. And he said. [00:33:00] And so I, you know, I thought, okay, what can I do for him? You know? So I sent him something that I wrote, and I just called it Caregiving 1 0 1.

So when we were going back and forth, taking to Leanne to the hospital, or to the doctor's office or whatever, I just kept a little. Little book in my purse, and I would just write down things like, make sure you have change for the car park. I'm gonna put a sign on the door that says, can you know, this is a quiet place, please.

So now Earl's teasing her third book where she's gonna say to, to be, to be a caretaker. Yeah. Yeah. The Guide to Caretaker, right? Yes. Oh my gosh. Yeah. You know what? And that's where zines come in because, uh, writing a book is a lot. Like this took six years, Monica and I got together.

Right. And it took six years. So, but I started out doing zines and, um, tell us about that. Okay. Because before we jumped into this, we, uh, Earla was educating me because I'd never heard of this before. And teaser, if you guys are coming, you could be listening to this episode at any time. But if you're [00:34:00] coming to our summit in 2026.

You're gonna be doing this with Earla? Yes. So tell us what it is, Erlin and then we'll talk about how that translated into the book. Okay. Yeah. Okay. So, uh, long time ago I was, uh, part of an arts council and I learned about zines. So zines are little one page. Um, well, they can be multi pages, but they're one page books and basically it's uh, just a very simple way to tell a story, share a story.

It's kind of, you can doodle it and, um, are we, are you doing this visually or is it all audio? It's both. Oh, okay. Okay. Mm-hmm. Okay. So, um, yeah, so, um, so some people will just listen on audio and some people will Okay. So just make sure you describe it that way. Sure. Yeah. Mm-hmm. So, um, this is one of the first ones I made, and it is called When I was Little.

And so what it is, it's a one page, but the beauty of it is, and I, and yeah, this is, I mean, I've typed this out because I'm [00:35:00] a very messy, um. Yes, writer. But there, these are just little pieces of paper that I used to carry around. And I just, because I used to work in a library, I love books. Um, I love doodling.

And, um, so that's what I started doing. Um, previous to when my sister got sick. I mean, I, I had make, uh, bigger zines about, you know, cooking in Spain and, and kind of fun things. But, um, it was after Leanne died and I. I did not know what to do. I just didn't. I, first of all, I didn't know if I was gonna live or not.

Mm-hmm. Survive, and I just didn't know what to do. So I started, um, making zines, just writing little stories and, um. And, and it made me feel better because, um, it's only it, you know, they're little books. They got the, these kind only have eight pages, so you don't, it's not a long story, but for me, I always found [00:36:00] resolution at the end, um, that, yeah, so, well, it's less intimidating too from how you.

Explained it to me, right? Yes. It's less intimidating because I, I hear from people all the time, and you guys listening all the time, I wanna write a book, I wanna do this. Mm-hmm. And like, yeah. But it's so in, as someone who has done it early, you've written a book. Mm-hmm. Yes. We'll talk about in a moment.

Yeah. It's intimidating to sit down and go, okay, I'm gonna do the book. Like, yes. Doing. This exercise instead, which you guys are gonna get to do. Yes. It's less intimidating. And I love that there's like kind of mini stories, mini resolutions, yes. Different things that will come out and then you can collaborate that into a bigger book.

So is that kind of what happened for you? Yes, it is, yes. Like for example, there's a, this, I'm changing this one up, but it's called, making books made me feel better. It talks about when I. Went to hospice and I had to, you know, tell the, the, the story. Like, it's very hard. And this is why these peer support groups are so wonderful, because it's very hard to say [00:37:00] my sister died.

There was three girls in our family, but unfortunately my two sisters died. Like, you need places to practice. Yes. Well, that's where I would practice is on paper. Not everybody is like that. Like my brother-in-law, he, he did the blog LA Times and that's where he did his writing and processing.

I didn't even know what grief work was, but these are all grief. This is all these, this is kind of grief work for me. I'm not saying as for everybody, but because I like to write, I like to doodle. I wanted to talk about her, but if you're so shut down and you can't even speak. When I went to Grief group, I honestly didn't. It's, you know, it one week, one, a session a week for eight weeks.

I did not talk. I couldn't, all I did was cry. So I said, what I, I'm just so glad you brought that up though earlier. Yeah. So Well, yeah, because a lot of people are like, you know, they judge themselves. They're like, what if I'm not talking? What if I'm not [00:38:00] crying? What if I'm not this? And for you, it was just, you were just crying.

Oh yeah. That was your release. Yes, it was. And I just, I didn't find my words. I just, because it was such a shock, because again, we go back to, you know, why we do this kind of work. It's because people don't talk about sibling grief. Right. So to think like. I, I shake my head and think, what was I thinking that Leanne and I were gonna be on the, on the, on the porch, 90 years old, like we, that we wouldn't.

We wouldn't, that one of us wouldn't live, like, right. You know, that was unbelievable. So you, you can't talk about it. So that's why, to draw it out, to, to write it in your books, um, in your journals, in your, uh, you know, making cartoons. It's. It's all a really good way to process it, and then you can talk about it.

Yeah, and then you can talk about it. I mean, your story's so perfect for those of us who can't find the [00:39:00] words, and we need another outlet, whether it's writing or art, something more creative and I. And that so fits for you Earla, because you've been a creative your whole life. Mm-hmm. And so of course you would like it.

It's probably sounds silly to you now. You're probably like, hindsight's 2020. Of course I would process an intense thing more creatively because that's who I am. Yes. But when you're, so to your point, when you're so deep and distraught and grief, you're not gonna be thinking, well lemme think, how should I be process it?

You know, it's not exactly, you don't have that kind of Exactly. Wherewithal to do that. Right, exactly. And uh, basically, you know, honestly I couldn't even barely fold paper. So I just had a sketchbook and I, and I would draw, draw eight panels, and then I would write out my stories in. That's great. Um, you know, and I just love looking back on it, and that's something that I would love to do because again, it gives people hope.

Like I have this one that I, it's like. Somebody's in church and they said, um, forgive me father, because I've been crying every day for seven, seven months, or something like that, you know? Mm-hmm. Like, because you always feel [00:40:00] bad and like, you know, because you don't know. How are you supposed to do it? And that's why, you know, going back to the grace, going back to following your nature, and that's where, you know, and that's what I like to talk about zines, because I love them, but I always say you'll find your own way.

You'll find maybe it's not a zine, maybe it's something else, maybe it's macrame or photography or hiking in nature. But you will find your way that brings you peace and contentment and a place where you can. You know, maybe connect with your, your sibling again, like Yeah. I love that. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Thank you for sharing that, Earla.

You're welcome. Tell us about your book before we close out. Yeah. And we'll talk about where they can connect with you. So the book finally came around, took many years. Yes. And that's all good things. Take time. It's okay. Yes, yes. Well, and you know, also, we're not. Like if we, if we're lucky enough to be, to live till we're older mm-hmm.

There's gonna be other people that get sick in our family that die. Right. So, I mean, [00:41:00] that happened to both Monica and I while we were writing our book. But yeah, I like to talk about my grief buddy and I didn't even know what a grief buddy was, unt, but I wrote this is, and it was just for me.

Nobody's ever, I've never shared this like out and out, but, um, I made this little, um, zine, it's called, I Need A Grief Buddy. And I talk about, you know, what happened to my sister and then just little bits. This is, you know, it's sort of like a Mary Poppins thing. I need a grief buddy. Who knows These words are willing to learn about them.

Continuing bonds. Intentional grieving. Someone who agrees with general anxiety during medical leave is just words that your employer insists. Use that mean, it just means sad and they'll be willing to buy a t-shirt that reads, I will prevail. So in my mind, I was looking for. A buddy. And so about three, oh, late, longer than that, probably about four years after Leanne died, I was on Facebook.

I wasn't a big user, and I [00:42:00] came across this woman's words that I, they resonated with me. Monica and I connected and I accidentally but, but dialed her one day, couple months after because you know, like she's living, on the island not too far from us, but you know, it's a day's drive or whatever.

And we connected and we've been friends ever since. And I would say we probably connect every day. And, she had said that she wanted to write a book, her daughter, her. Her older sister Darcy had died from melanoma. And so we have, that's, so it was our experience you know, surviving siblings of ones that had died from a terminal illness.

Right. Um, so while we wrote the book, we actually took a, took a course on, um, traumatic loss facilitation because we, we, that's not our experience, but we did wanna understand what other people went through. And so we, we did a, a mind map together and we, which are the, our, our, um. [00:43:00] If you're familiar with the mind map, so we put sibling grief in the middle and then we, we offshoot, okay, what would we like to see in the book that we wanted to read?

Right? So it was like, we're missing them. How do we navigate the family? How do we rebuild our lives? How do we, you know, we're changing. Why, how are we changing? So that was the premise of our, our, um, ti our subtitles. Yeah. So, and then every chapter we just, we would, we, I mean, it didn't start off as a book, but because we asked each other so many questions.

And that's how we premise the book. So each chapter in our mind is, we're, we're talking about three areas. And so the questions that would come up and how would we deal with it? And then Monica wanted to have a, a chapter with siblings and I just said, Monica, this is take you long enough.

But she was very insistent and she was very insistent on my. [00:44:00] Images being in it, and it's just like, oh, Monica, like I'm a doodler. I'm not. So I learned how to, I learned how to draw so this is about continuing bonds. You don't have to let me go. I don't wanna let you go. So, and it, and the images all came from our conversations together and some of them are from my zines from when, before when Leanne Sure was sick.

And, um, and so, yeah. And again, it's not perfect, those, you know. It's not a perfect book, but I think it's a very supportive book. And that's what we've heard from people and that's why I like to tell my story because they will tell their story too. Yeah. Pe if you, if if they, and however they do it, like they might do it, like how, how our friend Chelsea does it, who tells her story through Hike It.

Right. Um, how our friend Judy does it through celebration of sisters, her skating, um, annual skating. Event. We'll, [00:45:00] all we will find a way. And that's why, uh, that's why we we're, we're doing our, we're doing this because it'll give other people hope. Yeah. Yeah. I totally agree. Yeah. And I think, you know, it's something that comes up so much.

People are like, oh, I wanna write a book, or I wanna do a podcast, or I wanna, and I'm like, I always tell them, I said, go for it. But what I wanna tell you is just because I do a podcast or just 'cause Earla wrote a book, doesn't mean that that's your path. Mm-hmm. It can be because there's other people that podcast about it.

There's other people that write books about it for sure. But like you mentioned, all these other friends of ours in the community, they have their own unique way and it's something they love and they're passionate about and connects them with their siblings. So I always tell them, make sure that's, you know, because.

Podcasting was just a no brainer for me. Mm-hmm. Because it was already something that I did. My brother had the gift of gab. Mm-hmm. He was a musician. I'm not gonna be singing anytime soon. Earla. So this made sense, right? To have a mic. Yes. It makes me feel very connected to him, right? Yes. Yeah. And I [00:46:00] understand from your story why that would make you feel connected to your sister, but you know, and again, the examples you use of our friends as well.

Mm-hmm. But I always think it's very personal because if you're gonna do this, it's so, uh, you're really. Like reaching deep within yourself to do this. And it's, yes, it's a lot. It's very heavy. It's also hopeful for sure. Mm-hmm. But it's also heavy. I kind of use those two Hs sometimes. Yes. Right. Yes. So you have to do it in a way that feels right for you and helps you and also connects you with the, the mission beyond all of it as well.

Yes, that's right. And to feel so. So to alleviate that heavy, that's where you find your joy. You find what, what brings you joy and contentment. And I was, I was lucky that I already had this, you know, interest in zines. And you know, also because I'm interested in peer support and grief buddies, it makes sense because my, my, I got along with my sister.

I mean, not everybody gets along with their sibling, or not everybody is into, say, groups. [00:47:00] But you know, it's, I still like to talk about it because again, you don't have to do it perfectly. You can go to Grief group and not talk for eight weeks. Yes, you can. Like, um, listening is a form of communication.

So people will find their way. And the thing is, is that, and that's why, in the workshop that I'm going to do, I'm gonna, I'm gonna use a it's a quote by a Canadian, um, writer, artist who's gone now, but her name is Emily Carr. And in it, I'll just read it very quickly, okay? It's, go into your lovely woods and look up, forget the mud of the earth, and remember the space and glory of the sky.

So to me, I'm not forgetting the mud. Like, the grief is there, but it's what, what can I do? When I rise above the heaviness, like mm-hmm. And that's where, and that's what I like to, um, share with people. That they will find their, their joy, their what brings them light or, or, or lifts 'em up.[00:48:00] 

And that's the thing that they need to go for. And I think, and that's why in a zine, when it's so small, and we'll only have an hour together, but I hope to, um, empower them to, um. Use a few, just a little, few techniques. We're gonna doodle, we're going to, use our hands. And I'll give people a choice because, you know, we're all adults here.

, I like to give people a choice and then they can take and run with what, is their nature, and then hopefully have some really good takeaways. Yeah, they definitely will. Mm-hmm. I'm so, I'm so excited to have you a part of the show and then also have you a part of our wonderful event. I can't believe we're going into our third year.

Yeah. When you're listening to this. This is the third time you guys are wanting this event. Yeah. So, Earl, thank you for sharing Leanne with us today. And thank you for sharing your story. Tell everyone the name of your book again and then where they can connect with you. Okay. Where you're comfortable connecting with people.

So it's living with sibling grief, imagining a way forward. It's [00:49:00] available online. From the, you know, the bookstore that starts with an A and, but you can also go to your local bookstore and they, and they'll order it in for you. , I'm, I'm assuming that you'll have show notes Of course. And so people can reach out.

Instagram for now because it's a very visual and it, you know, it can be short way to connect with people. Sure. Um, Substack, I have a personal one. I don't have a sibling. Grief buddies one, but, yeah. What is your handle on Instagram? Arle? It's, sibling Grief Buds.

Sibling Grief Bud. Perfect. And then, yeah, Earla Dawn 0 1 2. I uh, or zero one. I'm there as well. Okay, great. Yeah. Yeah, we put those in the show notes, so. Okay. Earla, thank you so much for sharing with us today.

Thank you so much for listening to the Surviving Siblings Podcast. If you enjoyed this episode as much as I did creating it for you, then share it on your chosen social media platform. And don't [00:50:00] forget to tag us at Surviving Siblings Podcast so that more surviving siblings can find us. Remember to rate, review and subscribe to the podcast.

And don't forget to follow us on all social media platforms. We're on Instagram, Twitter, and TikTok at Surviving Siblings Podcast. All links can be found in the show notes, so be sure to check those out too. Thank you again for the support. Until the next episode, keep on surviving my surviving siblings.