Emily Heim - Young Loss to Addiction

[00:00:59] Maya: Hey guys. Welcome back to the Surviving Siblings Podcast. Today I have Leigh Smith joining me and she's going to share the story of her sister Beth, Leigh. Welcome to the show.

[00:01:12] Leigh: Thank you. Thank you for having me.

[00:01:15] Maya: My pleasure. So Lee, what I'd love for you to do is tell us a little bit about Beth and tell us a little bit about your relationship and go back to childhood. And obviously we're gonna talk about your experience losing Beth and so much more on this episode. So take it away.

[00:01:33] Leigh: All right. Beth is, was three years older than me. We have an older brother as well, but she was the middle. So I'm the baby. We had a wonderful childhood. Picture, perfect trips, pool in the backyard. I looked up to her like crazy. She was, Tons of friends. Popular, beautiful good at everything she did.

[00:01:53] Gifted, talented so funny. Just I was obsessed with her. Any chance I could be around her and her friends, I would spy on 'em. And, she always swatted me away, but she was just in my eyes wow. So Christmas when she turned 16, she got a brand new car. And that February 96, she was alone and got into a pretty bad car accident.

[00:02:18] She had a traumatic brain injury. She slipped on like black ice and went into a ditch. She was alone, but she didn't have a bruise on her body. She went to the hospital, was in a coma for about two weeks. I would say this was. A turning point in all of our lives. I was 13 at the time.

[00:02:36] This was probably the first loss I felt of her and my family. At this moment, I was completely thrust into a new role as a sibling. She was, the prognosis wasn't good. She, her brain continued to swell. We were told to expect she wouldn't make it. But she's a fighter. She made it.

[00:02:55] But she was like a baby again. We had to basically welcome her back into the world as her brain healed. And she would, she was never the same. We had to teach her how to walk, talk, use her voice, pick up crayons. We had to thicken her liquids put her in chair in the shower, and I became Along with my parents, just a caretaker.

[00:03:21] And I just sunk into the background, and then she, I, anyone that's experienced traumatic brain injuries, she got back to to where she could go to school after about a year. So she went back to high school and at that point, all of her friends were like, partying and they were like, yeah, Beth is back.

[00:03:42] Even though she was like, literally had to still use like a wheelchair and

[00:03:47] Maya: They weren't really understanding like the gravity behind

[00:03:49] Leigh: yes. Correct. Because they were

[00:03:51] Maya: Yeah.

[00:03:52] Leigh: Yeah. And so they were, smoking weeded and drinking and just partying and so she just, My parents really didn't know. So they would take her out and be like, all right, Beth, you're back.

[00:04:05] Let's go party. And she, her brain was, just never the same. So that just began the next 25 years of her life. 

[00:04:15] Maya: Wow.

[00:04:16] Leigh: yeah, so she was 16 and just started with weeded drinking, and then I think she even went to cocaine. At that point my parents were getting divorced. Tragedies often break up families.

[00:04:28] My parents got divorced when I was 14. I stayed with my dad in our beautiful, large family house. That was just me and him. And she was sent off to rehab and my mom had moved out. And, she probably went to six different rehabs throughout the country and then, it's just, 25 years of it's almost a blur in my head because it's like the same story on repeat over and over again.

[00:04:53] Like different rehab. Yeah. Different city. Different city. This time when you start, oh yeah, she's got a job. Okay oh, she got fired from that. Oh. She's using again, what she's using. How could she be using, thought she was doing so well. Okay. Back to another rehab. And then just all the lying, the even stealing just this constant pattern.

[00:05:17] And as our little sister I was so angry a lot of the times. It was just so painful. Like why couldn't you just get it together? What is wrong with you? What is wrong with you?

[00:05:27] Countless city, she was the longest she was in Chicago. But. It was just my mom at, my mom started to just prop her up, enable her.

[00:05:37] She just never wanted to give up on Beth. My dad took the tough love approach. He lives about an hour away, so he was just, had very clear boundaries. So it created a lot of tension between me and my mom because all the attention was just continued to be on my sister.

[00:05:56] So eventually she moved to Louisville and she moved in with my mom. And that was like a really last hope. She was really doing good, had this job she loved with mentally disabled. She always. Worked with the underprivileged, even in Chicago, she worked with underprivileged Hispanics.

[00:06:17] Throughout everything just had a caring heart. But she could never, she just could never make it, it was like right when she was there. She do something stupid and crash a car, get a D U I or just something legal always happened. But, she always, my mom just always helped her get it back together.

[00:06:41] And it was really hard for me because I was somewhere between my dad and my mom. My dad was pretty hard-nosed and my mom was like, I'll do everything. And I saw both of my parents in these roles and I felt somewhere in between. And I loved her so much, but It was so painful. So eventually moved in with my mom.

[00:07:05] Same old thing. My mom, she got a d u i, she lost her job, got another job. Just the same cycle. Eventually she moved into her own apartment 'cause she was doing really well. And my mom, was like, okay, you've lived with me for four years. You need to get out. At that point she started using again and we took her to court under this law called Casey's Law here where I live.

[00:07:27] And and mandated her to go to rehab. She went to rehab.

[00:07:31] Maya: What is Casey's law? Just so people know, Lee, what

[00:07:34] Leigh: I'm not sure it's a law that you are saying that this person is a harm to themself and you.

[00:07:42] Maya: most states have something like that yep. Okay. I know what you're talking about. Perfect. Yep.

[00:07:46] Leigh: So we took her to court. Me and my mom and my sister all went to court and just sitting there and she knew why we were taking her and she was like, okay, I'm gonna do it. I had no contest.

[00:07:56] So they mandated her to go to this rehab locally and she got out and she was doing so well. At that point she was taking what seemed like to be working. It was called Vivitrol 'cause she had done all the methadone, the suboxone which I didn't even realize you could like trade on the street for drugs.

[00:08:13] It's like all these tricks and things that people can do. Anyways, Vivitrol was amazing 'cause it was a monthly injection and I mean it was like this magical like drug. So she started working for this insurance company. It was just like thriving. And we just had her last year on this planet.

[00:08:35] 2021 was just. So wonderful and normal. And we were like, wow, this is great. And just outta nowhere, out of nowhere. We, she was dead. Like we just blindsided by it because we really had thought maybe this was it. And so the night, the last night we spent together, my mom and her partner had us over here for dinner and it was me and my sister and my husband and my kids.

[00:09:06] And it was just such a normal evening and she was just doing laundry and we were just hanging out and she was just like I gotta go. It was, I gotta go work tomorrow. And we're like, okay. And I just remember we just had the best night and we gave each other the best hug and I was like, felt so good to have my sister back

[00:09:27] Maya: You felt hope, right? Like you felt hope, you felt like this is, she's finally got it. Here we go. Yeah.

[00:09:33] Leigh: Yeah. She was 41 and I was like, this is awesome. She is, and we gave each other, I just remember this hug we gave each other, it was like really intense hug. And we weren't really big huggers, but I just remember that hug and I was like, I love you. I'm so proud of you.

[00:09:50] And and she was like, I love you. She called me Lee Bird. She was like, Lee Bird, I love you too so much. And, she just adored my kids. And so that was Sunday night. And then Wednesday I was off work and my mom called and she was like, I haven't, it's not unlike that, we don't hear from Beth for a few days, but she was like, I haven't heard from Beth in a few days.

[00:10:15] And I was like, oh, okay. And I just had a sinking feeling. Immediately, I was like, oh, okay. And she, Beth lived near me in an apartment and she was like, do you mind just riding over there and seeing if her car's there? And I was like, okay. And I just got in my car and I was already shaking. It was like, I knew.

[00:10:35] And so I drove to her apartment and I saw her car parked, and I was like I just felt like my heart had fallen to the floor. So I called my mom and I said, mom, her car's here. And my mom's I'm coming over with the key and we're gonna go in there. So my mom lives close by too. So she was on her way over.

[00:10:57] And I just called my dad. He, I just, I call him when I'm like, I need a voice of reason. And he was like, he was just like, absolutely not. Do not go in there. And I was like, I went up to the window and knocked, but I was like, I just knew he was like, call the police right now. And called the police and they came and they went in and, just like slow motion in my mind.

[00:11:23] Just the way he walked out and with his head looking at the ground. And he was just, I knew, and I'll never forget, he just said, ladies, I'm sorry. She is beyond help. And we just, like my mom scream is, it's just,

[00:11:43] Maya: In your

[00:11:43] Leigh: haunts me. It haunts me. Yes.

[00:11:45] But from that point on, I, it's like I became this like robot.

[00:11:53] 

[00:13:42] Leigh: I, my I just took control of everything, it was like this force went through me and I. I got my mom out of there. I didn't want her to see the body being brought out. I answered all the questions. I was just like boom. And I said, go, let's go to my house. And then called the funeral home.

[00:14:01] I was like, I made, my husband came home from work. We were making checklists. We, I made arrangements to the funeral home. We went there and I was like, okay, like this earned da duh. Mom, do you like this? I was just like on it. I wrote the eulogy like in the middle of the night one night. It was like,

[00:14:18] Maya: so much in common. Lee, you're giving me chills. Yeah, you go into this zone. Like you, I think this is a testament to what you were saying earlier in your story about how you assumed, like the older sibling role very early on when this happened, when she was 16, this carried all the way 25 years on for you because that is definitely, as you know in my story, I went into that mode too.

[00:14:40] It was like, I picked out an earn for my brother, for both my father and I like connect and I'm sure a lot of you guys will connect with this as well. We go into the zone because we assume a lot of the responsibility because our parents are just

[00:14:53] Leigh: Yes,

[00:14:54] Maya: Understandably but still it's something that needs to be talked about wow. Okay, so you guys are making lists. Wow. Yeah.

[00:15:01] Leigh: Yeah. And then I'm talking to the funeral home all the time and he's like telling me the autopsy and da dah, and we're like, for sure we wanna hit her to be cremated. No question, and he told me when it was gonna be done and my mom didn't wanna know, and I knew when the cremation was happening.

[00:15:19] And, the autopsy, it came back eventually that there, zero heroin in her body. It was 100% Fentanyl. So when she relapsed, My understanding is, she never relapsed and back into heroin when she relapsed, it was just like over, it was over. And she didn't stand a chance.

[00:15:41] You don't stand a chance against Fentanyl.

[00:15:43] Maya: No.

[00:15:45] Leigh: so she had been there laying in her apartment for two days alone and just felt like very symbolic kind of, of her life and her journey, that she died alone. And that will always haunt me, that she was there like alone, like she always was in life, but

[00:16:06] Maya: did you guys dis, obviously you got the autopsy, but to your knowledge, she had been doing great. She was taking this medication, she was going in to the doctor. So did you guys ever find out, and I don't know, I don't know, you have to tell me your journey here, but did you find out what happened or who gave this to her or anything like that?

[00:16:29] Or did she just have a moment that Monday or or that Sunday night? What do we know? Yeah.

[00:16:35] Leigh: I know she started smoking weeded again, but I wasn't even worried about that. I was like, whatever, that's fine, whatever that, but her Vivitrol Insurance was only gonna cover a year of this medication, so it was within that month that she was going off of it. So I think she was starting to crave again, and she didn't have the money to get the Vivitrol out of pocket

[00:17:03] yeah.

[00:17:04] Yeah, absolutely.

[00:17:06] Maya: Not just physical. I found through a lot of these stories and also through my experience with my brother being really into drugs it's a mental thing too. If they know they can't have access to something right? That's making them feel leveled

[00:17:19] wow. 

[00:17:20] Leigh: And I think she always thought, I think she always really thought like she could like, manage it. Because she was like the, she was somehow this functional at times addict, which was bizarre. She would be doing it for six months, and then I'd be like, what?

[00:17:35] Like, how do, how are you gonna work? And

[00:17:38] Maya: that's my mindset too. I'm like, how do you do I was always surprised with my brother too. I'm like, how are you? And then he obviously went into a path that was quite destructive and trusted people he shouldn't have, which is a whole other, story that I've shared. But I That's so interesting that you say that.

[00:17:53] And I think it's, again, something I think all of you guys who have gone through a similar loss can relate to as well. We then reflect back and we're like, wait, you've been using for six months a year, or whatever it's been. And then you start thinking, oh, maybe that moment was a little weird, or maybe that holiday was a little off, or it starts to make sense.

[00:18:08] But those are high functioning addicts and it's. It scares you a little bit 'cause you're like, whoa, I didn't even realize, and it, this I'm curious about your opinion about this too, Lee, since you have gone through this and for so many years with Beth. It's interesting to me because I'm like, how much energy does it take to one, take the, seek out, whatever you're using, whether it's heroin or any, a plethora of things, right?

[00:18:32] Which is typically the case when you go down this path, but then there's an additional layer of energy that's put out to not have people know, like you Lee or your mom or your dad that you're using. And that's always been a thing for me. Did you ever have that moment? You were like, God, isn't that a lot of energy that you're putting into this to seek it out but also cover it up?

[00:18:51] Leigh: Yes. Yes. It just seemed like so exhausting. I, there was so much anger at her during that time, and it's not until she's passed away that I'm like, she was never gonna beat it ever. She was never going to be, this was a cancer for her. That had been she already had compromised judgment because of her brain injury.

[00:19:20] So the time she was sober, she, it was like, she was like, every day was a struggle, because and the question always was, is she like this because of her brain injury or because of decades of drug use? That was always like, the family's and I'm like it's probably a combination, but she's never had any brain studies done from her traumatic brain injury.

[00:19:41] But

[00:19:41] Maya: Really? How interesting. Wow. So you were always guessing. Yeah. 

[00:19:47] Leigh: And so that's where like sympathy would come in and I'd be like, oh my God. Like we're total assholes because, she's just not like us. She's not gonna function like us. Like she's forgetful. She says inappropriate things. She, even her gaze was often one eye.

[00:20:05] I mean she just, her whole brain was different. But then it's I mean she has been a heroin addict for 20 years and, what does that do to you? So she just, she was never gonna beat it and it was a monster too big for her. And even people that are. Of normal brain capacity. Can't beat it half the time.

[00:20:26] It was it was just sad though, like her existence. She was alone all the time in her apartment. She couldn't keep relationships. She, her relationships were drug relationships. Any boyfriend she had, it was abusive. She didn't know how to nurture a relationship. She felt so terrible about herself all the time, so the only thing she could do was just turn to drugs.

[00:20:52] It was just a really sad existence, really sad, and just the way she had to sneak to get the money to do the drugs and just, I think she was just really freaking tired. And I don't know I don't, there's, So many ways to look at it, but I like to look at her final year and her death.

[00:21:12] There was a little bit of grace because it wasn't a tumultuous time in our family. It was actually really nice and peaceful. And we didn't watch her go down this path again with heroin. It was like, I'm out. It was just like, I'm out. And sometimes me and my mom think wow, like it could have been so awful her final days, but it was so good.

[00:21:39] And I think in some way there's like grace to all this because she, I think she wanted so bad to be free of this and I think it broke her heart to put us through this. And it was this weird like feeling like she wanted to just be my big sister finally, and she never got to do that. And she'd always say, I wish I could just be the big sister to you, Lee.

[00:22:10] And I'm like, it's okay. Like I, I love you. But she was tired and she was tired of the pain and she was tired of hurting everybody. And I think she just wanted to be free from all that. And I don't think it was intentional, but I feel like there was some grace to it all. I really do. So that brings me comfort because no one is wrapped up in guilt.

[00:22:38] Could I done, should I have done this or that? We did everything. We literally took her to court. There was nothing more to do. There was no more money

[00:22:47] Maya: absolutely not.

[00:22:48] Leigh: No.

[00:22:49] Maya: There's nothing physically, mentally, emotionally that you could have done. Just, listening to what we've talked about so far and, reading your story and meeting you. Yeah. What else can you do? That's the really difficult part when people are struggling with addiction and.

[00:23:03] Many different things too. And she had many layers in her story, and that's really difficult because we want to help and we want to help as much as we can, but something has to come from within inside the person that we're trying to help too. You can't, they're not a child or an infant.

[00:23:20] You have to like, have some reciprocation and Yeah. That's really heavy. Lee, but I appreciate you like sharing so much and being so vulnerable about this. Yeah.

[00:23:31] Leigh: It's a very multi-layered complex. Like it's the head injury and then the drug addiction and, already losing her one time and then, losing her again. So there was a lot of already. Grief that I had already felt when I was younger, but yeah.

[00:23:51] Maya: That's understandable. That's understand. It's like you've gone through loss multiple times. And I felt this way with my brother too, because he would go through these cycles and it's interesting because every sibling that I talk to, the people in general, but obviously we talk about siblings here, right?

[00:24:08] And every sibling that I talked to that has had, or has siblings that have gone through drug addiction, there's a cycle. There's always a cycle that happens and then you start to see them go up, and then you see 'em go down, and then you see 'em go up and you go down and it's a roller coaster. That's what it is.

[00:24:23] And it's tough, but I think it, your story, it's every story is unique, but your story is, Unique in the sense that you lost her at such a significant age. 13. That was a significant age for me too. And I think it's significant in general. And you're like, you're not quite a teenager like you are, but you're not like, you're like pre-teen ish age still, 

[00:24:45] Leigh: Yeah. Absolutely.

[00:24:46] Maya: coming into, you're almost a high school that's a very impressionable age, like very impressionable, like high school. You started to get like your clique and your attitude and like by 13. Like it's, that's a lot. And that's a lot of responsibility to take on and I think to shift, 'cause we talk about that a lot on this show too, Lee.

[00:25:06] So to shift roles

[00:25:08] That happened for you then, because that was your first loss, like you said. When we have people on the show that talk about losing siblings at a young age, You fit that as well, right? So you've lost twice. And that's really significant in, in the, in your story and telling that.

[00:25:26] Because when you lose as a child, because A 13, you're still a child, guys, you're still a child and evolving and growing, but when you lose, you change the order of the family. You really do. And I think it's, I think it's interesting that you use the term, it's haunting

[00:25:44] For a lot of different things because I'm sure that really was haunting for you for 25 years because it shifted your family dynamic forever in including the fact that your parents got divorced.

[00:25:55] That's huge.

[00:25:56] Leigh: that was like, not even a year later they were divorced. So like it was, yeah, it was traumatizing. I had a pretty rough time with all the

[00:26:06] Maya: How did you, how did, tell us about that. Let's talk about when you were younger and then we're gonna fast forward again to when you know you lost Beth. How did you make it through that? Because you just seem so grounded and so full of love. And I love your energy and I'm sure you guys do as well, but No, I'm serious though.

[00:26:25] Like for me, 13, it's so interesting how every person I have on here, I have a connection with. 13 was significant for me too. That's when my parents split up. So it's significant. And I assumed a mother role to my youngest sibling. And so I, I really understand where you're coming from, but it changes you.

[00:26:41] Tell us how you moved through that because you took on such a caretaker role and like how did you like move? Did you go off to school

[00:26:49] Leigh: I did.

[00:26:49] Maya: Tell us a little bit. Yeah, tell us about that. 'cause her trajectory is so different than yours. Yeah.

[00:26:54] Leigh: so she was bouncing all over the place. My brother was, he is older, but he, he is a wonderful guy, but he just more or less went off to do his like college thing. That's how he moved through his pain. But I was primarily at home with my dad and My mom's the one who had moved out, and I was really angry.

[00:27:17] I was just an angry teen. I felt like I wasn't, I was just not really parented, like I partied all the time and my dad. And now that I'm older, I'm like my parents, like I am now their age that they were then almost. And it's like they were humans too. And so they were navigating my sister's addiction and divorce and, they looked at me and I think I always was just like, strong.

[00:27:49] And I gave the illusion that I could take care of myself. But I resented that in a way. I was like, not really allowed to have problems not really need anything. So I did at 18, I went to college eight hours away in South Carolina. And just wrapped that world around me for four years.

[00:28:10] And

[00:28:10] Maya: you find that to be like a healing time for you and like a good moment or was difficult? Okay. Yeah, that's what I wanted to get to.

[00:28:16] Leigh: yeah, no, I just avoided and distracted. I made good grades. I always had a sense about me to do the right thing, like a very responsible sense. I still got A's and graduated in four years, but I partied and I just avoided all those feelings that were always still there. And at that time it was ups and downs with my sister.

[00:28:39] And, I just. I tried to avoid and distract because I was angry and I was mad at her. And why does this still keep happening? Yeah. But as I got older,

[00:28:51] Maya: started? Yeah, I was gonna say, when did you feel like you started to. Open yourself up to feel some of those emotions. Did it take until her passing or was it a progression of allowing yourself to

[00:29:02] Leigh: Yeah.

[00:29:03] Maya: close it off again? Tell us a little bit about how

[00:29:05] Leigh: I just always felt conflicting feelings because there was just this tug at my heart I just love you. You're my only sister. And she was a wonderful human and that, and she was always so misunderstood and she was so soulful. So funny. Loved she, she just loved. People, but she just, it was always, everything was always destroyed.

[00:29:33] Everything was so destroyed all the time. Anything good was always destroyed by drugs. And I watched her just try, she tried to fit in with the family and she tried to make friends, but it was always like uncomfortable somehow. Everyone was on eggshells. That's what I'm looking for. Everybody's always on eggshells.

[00:29:54] And then she would get frustrated because she didn't, she couldn't keep up with everybody, because of her mental capacity. And then she would just get really frustrated and she couldn't find her words fast enough and she'd go outside at any family dinner and just start smoking. And she just never felt like she could fit in anywhere in any circle, any normal circle.

[00:30:14] And I think she resented that a little bit about me, because once she moved back to Louisville, I at that point had two kids. Doing well in my career, and she would just, I think there was jealousy and resentment to me because I was just able to function just fine. It was crazy.

[00:30:33] It was like, we're back and forth resentment. But at the end of the day, like we loved each other like crazy. And you couldn't deny that sisterly bond we had. We had our own language almost. We had our own looks between each other. We can make each other laugh in two seconds. We knew exactly what to do to make each other laugh, and there was, that never went away.

[00:30:55] Like even when I hated her the most, I still felt close to her. And yeah, I miss her. I miss her.

[00:31:02] Maya: can see it. I can see it as we're talking. I see you like laughing. I still there's so many emotions that are still running through you and I think a really good point to bring up here. Lee and I talk about this on some other episodes too, but this, your story is definitely a testament You can hold.

[00:31:18] I think sometimes we feel. In our grief journey, we feel guilty if, we're still angry or upset or we look back on things and we allow ourselves to feel those different emotions, which again, you have two different losses with the same person. That's huge. That's huge. And I hope, your story's able to reach other people that are like, oh my God, no, I went through something similar.

[00:31:38] It's bittersweet. 'cause I hope no one has to experience this. I know we both feel the same way. But if you have experienced this, we hope this reaches you. And the important part, I think about this specific, thing we're talking about here is that you can hold more than one emotion for someone.

[00:31:53] And I think that's something I've learned from. You guys from people that come on the show, and it's something that I've learned in sharing my story because I used to feel a lot of guilt because I would be angry at my brother for trusting the wrong people and living a lifestyle that he did, and like all these things, and I ha I got stuck in anger, as I talk about all the time.

[00:32:11] I think different people get stuck in different emotions. Depressions of a top one too. People get really, guilt, there's certain ones. Anger's a big one too, and so we connect on that one. Anger was my go-to. I was like, how could this happen? But, and you sort anger at different people, right?

[00:32:27] I'm sure you're, you felt a lot of anger towards the person that gave her fentanyl instead of heroin. I'm sure that you felt right. There's

[00:32:34] Leigh: I actually found her phone and I was during grief the first year of, I don't, I wouldn't even call grief hitting the first year it was,

[00:32:45] Maya: It doesn't, that's why I call it a fog lee. Yeah. It's and then you like come out of this fog, it like dissipates and then for me, anger sunk in. That was like for me. But you got the phone. Okay.

[00:32:57] Leigh: Oh yeah. I got her phone and my husband wanted to kill me, but I found where she had been texting this drug dealer.

[00:33:05] Maya: God he didn't. Thank you Hu. Hubby for not killing her

[00:33:09] Leigh: But I was wild. I was wild during that first year after she

[00:33:13] Maya: because you get in the zone. You said it perfectly earlier. 'cause you get in the zone where you're like, I've gotta figure this out. What happened? Like you just, it's interesting. Yeah.

[00:33:21] Leigh: I was like, it was like, I just, I was like, I, and so I just started texting him and I was like, do you know what you did?

[00:33:28] Dah. And he was like, I don't

[00:33:29] Maya: So you could open her phone and see who had given her the

[00:33:33] Leigh: Yeah. And then I thought of course I like took it to the police. I thought I was like, gonna solve the case. And they were like, we're, we are well aware of this person. Like he has this guy dealer has also killed nine different individuals in this exact week. Yeah.

[00:33:50] Maya: It, I thought you were gonna say this year or something week.

[00:33:53] Leigh: yeah, so he had just been handing out fentanyl candy and not like nine other families had to, I just texted him like, you don't know the lives you've destroyed.

[00:34:04] I went off on him and then all of a sudden a cloud of reason came over me and I was like, oh my God. So I like deleted, blocked the number and was like, I 

[00:34:13] Maya: Wait, because that thing then you're like, oh God, what if this person comes after me because they're dangerous. So you're like I know where you're going with this. Yes.

[00:34:19] Leigh: So I was like, after this crazy long text message telling him how I truly felt using some very strong words.

[00:34:26] I was like, oh my God, like I have kids. I can't do this. So I, but there was a lot of times like I just wanted to feel something other than. Whatever I was feeling, because I don't know if I was really feeling grief that first year, but it was like I, I needed to feel things, I'd go on like crazy exercise binges or I don't know.

[00:34:50] I would probably drank too much. It was just like I needed to counterbalance this energy that was coursing its way through my body that I couldn't make sense of. I did go to grief counseling, which really helped, but it wasn't, it was just this, it was like I wanted to just burst, and I had to find outlets.

[00:35:12] Some of them healthy, some of them not, but I don't, I, at that point, I wasn't grieving. I was just physically somehow tortured, somehow just tortured physically and not, I couldn't make sense of anything. Like you said, the fog. 

[00:35:27] Maya: Yeah. And I think so many people, so many of you guys can connect to this because I get messages about it all the time and people talking about it on TikTok, wives, Instagram, and I think you have defined it in a way. I've never heard anybody really talk about it. And I love that, Lee, thank you for sharing that.

[00:35:45] Because the first year, and it's interesting because some people, it's two years, some people it's six months. It just, everyone's different. But we just say in general, the first year, and I feel like that's once you've lost someone, you know what we're talking about.

[00:35:57] It's like we're not saying okay, you lost someone, March of this, it's gonna be exactly one year today. It's not that, but that's what we recall, right? Is like a year. So it's the grief fog, right? It's the year. And you so desperately, like you said this so perfectly, you so desperately want to feel something 'cause you're feeling it, but you're not feeling it, you're not really feeling it like you're numb.

[00:36:17] But you have things raging through your veins, like it's torture but you're not actually. Feeling it. So then you overcompensate by, like you said, exercising, potentially drinking a lot, which I was definitely guilty of all of these things too. So I'm like, yes, Lee, yes, I did the same stuff. And you go to another intensity.

[00:36:35] And also I did the same thing as like I thought I was gonna be this detective and figure it all out. I'm like, I got this, I'll have it done in a year. That's funny. That's really funny. And I don't say that and I know you don't say it either to discourage people, but that is a really delicate time.

[00:36:50] So pace yourself. Don't be like me or you and feel like you have to solve it right then and there, but there's more of a pacing about it and there's more of a being an advocate for your sibling that you've lost versus feeling like you can't shoulder all the responsibility. And I wish someone had told me that and I'm sure you connect with that too, based on your story.

[00:37:12] Leigh: Absolutely. Yeah.

[00:37:14] Maya: I think it's a lot of pressure that we put on ourselves too, because we're like, okay, our parents are so distraught. Understandably I'm gonna fix this, I'm gonna solve this. And the reality is, at the end of the day, nothing is going to bring your sibling back,

[00:37:27] Leigh: Right?

[00:37:28] Maya: you can do things to help yourself, but you don't have to do it all today.

[00:37:33] You don't have to do it all

[00:37:34] Leigh: no.

[00:37:35] Maya: And you just telling Beth's story and your story, Lee, that's doing something about it. Bringing awareness to this.

[00:37:42] Leigh: And that's really, yeah, that's why I really wanted to do this because

[00:37:46] Maya: yeah.

[00:37:47] Leigh: it's for her. Now that she's gone, like I, there I'm not angry. There's no anger, there's no resentment. I do not feel that way at all about her. I feel nothing but love. And I don't know how this will sound, but I love if someone said they could bring her back, I would say, I don't want you to, because I love her too much to put her back here into that situation again.

[00:38:15] And I know she feels the same and. She is free. She's free from this torture that she could not get out of. So I, I wouldn't want her back to be doing all this over again. This was a cancer for her. So sometimes when I actually say the words out loud, I'm like, I really do believe that. I really do believe that she's at peace now.

[00:38:45] And

[00:38:45] Maya: Yeah,

[00:38:46] Leigh: yeah I don't know.

[00:38:48] Maya: I think that's powerful, Lee, and I really appreciate you sharing that because somebody asked me about three to four years into my journey, I was doing a podcast that really had nothing to do with this. 'cause this podcast hadn't come out yet. And But about, I have other stuff that I talk about and do stuff on in businesses.

[00:39:08] And so I was being interviewed and this particular person, this was the first time I'd ever been asked like off, off guard about this. And it was a part of my story and I was getting comfortable starting to share it. And they asked me that, this person asked me that very well-known podcast. And she said to me, she said, would you go back?

[00:39:27] And I was not expecting this question. She's if you could go back in time, would you change what happened? And I was like, that's a really loaded question because my brother died of a right. But I do feel like you feel Lee, because people ask me all the time, they're like, oh God, if you could have him back.

[00:39:45] And I'm like, of course. If I could see my brother again, I

[00:39:47] Leigh: Yeah. If I could give her that, oh, another hug, or just smell her hair,

[00:39:52] Maya: That's different though.

[00:39:53] Leigh: all the time. Yeah.

[00:39:55] Maya: That's different though, right? Yeah. Exactly, but it's not the same thing as saying, would I go back and bring him back in this life because he struggled so much in this life. Now my story is a little different than yours. I'm not excusing what this guy did to my brother, obviously, but, and you are not excusing what that guy did to

[00:40:17] Leigh: Yeah. He mar It was murder.

[00:40:18] Maya: than I thought. Yeah 

[00:40:19] Leigh: She was murdered. Yeah.

[00:40:20] Maya: it's, I believe that too. I was, that was my next question for you. I'm like, do you believe that it was murder? And so I agree with you. So we have more in common than we realized. 

[00:40:28] Leigh: Absolutely.

[00:40:29] Maya: but I said the same thing to her when she interviewed me, and that was the first time I really said that.

[00:40:34] And so I really connect with you when you're saying I'm saying this out loud and I actually really do believe that because I do feel like my brother is feeling a different. Feeling, vibe, energy than he did here. And this was his story and this was, this was where he needed to go to feel at peace.

[00:40:53] Am I at peace? I don't really believe in that, but I hope other people are with the story. I've acknowledged it and I'm doing something to change, the trajectory in talking with amazing siblings like you Lee. So I love that you just said that thank you for being so vulnerable because I do feel like that was one of the first times people really judged me and they were like, how can you say that?

[00:41:14] And I'm like, because this is his story and that's one of the things that propelled me into telling his story. But you have to know and live it to know and understand what we're saying, Lee. Like these, our si your sister and my brother lived a very complicated and difficult life. And so even though the way they passed is also difficult, complicated, and tragic.

[00:41:36] To feel that they're free and that they're I'm, I feel connected with him and that's why I feel like I'm able to

[00:41:43] Leigh: I do too. I do too. Absolutely. I, that gave me goosebumps. I feel more connected to my sister than I ever have in my entire, her entire physical life.

[00:41:55] Maya: I just told somebody that a week ago. That's so

[00:41:57] So what makes you feel more connected with her now? I'm curious.

[00:42:00] Leigh: has given me so many gifts. Like grief changes you, death changes you and they're undeniable changes.

[00:42:10] I'm like, feel like I've really, I've found myself because every single thing that I have feared for the past 25 years happened.

[00:42:21] I stored that in my body for over two decades

[00:42:26] Maya: Yeah.

[00:42:26] Leigh: and that was somewhere floating around and it's gone. And guess what I am now? I'm free and fearless. I feel like I feel like I've opened my eyes for the first time because I don't have this heaviness.

[00:42:45] And I'm not, I'm just fearless. I'll do any, ask anyone. I'm like, let's go. We travel all the time. I'm just not scared anymore. I'm like, we always say to my husband, what's the worst that can happen? It's already happened. 

[00:42:58] Maya: I say that too. I say that

[00:43:01] Leigh: Yeah. I'm like, let's go. Let's go.

[00:43:03] I'm not afraid to be vulnerable. I'm not afraid for tough conversations. I'm not afraid to say no. And I'm not afraid to say yes. And I feel very true to myself and I feel like I get this strength from my sister and I feel like she's freaking loving it because she was always 

[00:43:22] Maya: I even see that in you, and you just said that. You're like, I feel like I get the strength of my sister and she's loving it. Yeah. I feel that too.

[00:43:28] Leigh: and I feel like she's like giving me this like thirst for life all of a sudden, I'm just

[00:43:33] Maya: Yeah.

[00:43:35] Leigh: I used to just be scared all the time and I'm not anymore. I feel very free and, but I know she's free too. And I know we are living parallel and I know we're both so happy for each other.

[00:43:50] She's you go girl. And I'm like, you go girl. Because I know we are both living our best lives now.

[00:43:57] And

[00:43:57] Maya: Yeah.

[00:43:58] Leigh: it's love. It's nothing but love. It's nothing but love. And like I feel it and I see her she'll. I see little signs of her all the time. Little signs.

[00:44:09] Maya: Okay. So what are your signs for Beth? I love this 'cause I love this conversation. I get asked this all the time. People are like, what are your signs, from Andreas what are your signs from your brother? And I share them, but I'm always curious about other people. And I love that you brought up that you see things from her and she sends you things.

[00:44:24] So what are some things that you're comfortable

[00:44:25] Leigh: Yes. She, so she always had this like thing, it's really weird. She always had lemons, always. She, when she was a kid, she would suck on lemons. She always had lemons in her house. The last night we were together, she had made lemon water and squeezed one into mine and was like, it makes the water so much better.

[00:44:46] And I've just seen, so like everything is just now my house is like full of lemons and I always have lemons in my fruit bowl. Always. I don't,

[00:44:56] Maya: They're good luck, by the way. Lemons in a bowl. Good luck. Yeah.

[00:45:01] Leigh: she'll send me little signs and photographs I take like the sun will be shaped like a lemon or She will send me si. She loved music.

[00:45:10] Oh my god. She loved music. And certain songs that I know are hers, they'll just come on randomly. Rainbows for sure. Orbs, green orbs and pictures. Just little things that I know like I know. It's more like I feel her presence and I feel calm and then like she'll, send me a little something.

[00:45:29] I know, and sometimes I don't feel her at all and that's okay. And I don't feel bad about that. I used to be like, am I grieving enough? Is this, should I be more sad? And grief? Grief is so interesting because I won't be sad for four weeks or even six weeks and then out of nowhere it is like I am hit fall into my knees with out of nowhere.

[00:45:56] And it's like a giant wave just like flies into my face and I'm like, I'm down. But I don't try to, I don't try to be a mess in front of my children, but I also don't try to hide it. And my husband's super supportive and I love talking about her. And I feel like me and my mom have that together.

[00:46:13] We just talk about her, we look at pictures and I wanna just constantly talk about her with people, because that's how I wanna keep her alive. I don't want her to be like, part of the past. I don't want that separation of time. I want her to always be in the present, and I feel like that's how I honor her is to just keep her name around, 

[00:46:32] Maya: yeah, yeah, you're definitely doing that and thank you for sharing that. I think, as I mentioned to you, I think much earlier I, that's why sometimes I still sometimes I talk about my brother in the past. Sometimes I speak of him like he's still here because he is still with me.

[00:46:48] And so I think that's an important message of your story too. You're like, I still like she's

[00:46:52] with me. I wanna keep talking about her. And I wanna ask you a question, Lee. How was it for your children? Because your children knew. Beth. And a lot of surviving siblings have different dynamics.

[00:47:04] Sometimes they are fearful because their child never knew their brother or sister. Sometimes they're fearful because they knew the sister or brother while they were physically here on this world and this planet. So can you share whatever you're comfortable sharing? How did you approach that with them?

[00:47:20] How did you talk to 'em and how old were they when you lost Beth

[00:47:23] Leigh: Let's see, my son was in second grade, so my daughter was in kindergarten.

[00:47:32] Maya: Young? 

[00:47:32] Leigh: Yeah, very young. Where was he in third grade? Second or third grade? My daughter was young enough, like she has memories of Beth. Her and Beth are a lot alike, and they have the exact same birthday. It's

[00:47:44] Maya: Are you, what's the, when's their birthday?

[00:47:46] Leigh: May 13th.

[00:47:48] Maya: Oh my gosh. That's so cool.

[00:47:50] Leigh: They're a lot alike.

[00:47:51] They're very feisty girls. But she's, she has really good memories, but she, my son was affected. He actually, we had to take him to a lot of therapy. He developed extreme anxiety, separation anxiety consistently worried. I. For little kids like that. Like he, she was around enough that, we, me and her were not that far off in age that he equated her dying, that I was next, I was gonna die.

[00:48:18] So we, yeah, it was heavy. It was very heavy. And we went to some child therapist and there were times that I would just start bawling in therapy because I felt guilt that he was feeling this way, but, I was, I felt like a failure or something because I couldn't have protected him more.

[00:48:39] But they're doing so well now.

[00:48:41] They really are. They, we, again we have videos on my phone. We'll play all the time and and they'll see me cry sometimes 

[00:48:48] Maya: Yeah.

[00:48:48] Leigh: they'll be like, is it Aunt Beth? And I'm like, yeah, it's Aunt Beth. And I'll be like, it's all good. This is just love this right here when I'm crying. It's just love.

[00:48:57] Mommy's not sad. I'm just I'm loving, I'm just loving her right now.

[00:49:01] Maya: Do you feel like that was helpful to express to them? Like my grief is love, like my crying is love, like I think that's really healthy, what you've told them and I think it's really amazing. Like how quickly did you guys go into therapy? 'cause I know you did therapy and your son did therapy. How quickly did you say, okay, we need some therapy, we need some help.

[00:49:19] Because I feel like that's really helpful for people to know too. Lee is like, when do you know? When do you be like, okay, it's time for

[00:49:25] Leigh: Yeah.

[00:49:26] Maya: and it's time for my child. Like both of you 

[00:49:28] Leigh: yeah, it was probably, she died in March. It was probably the summer when I started. And then he was like the start of the next school year because things started manifesting at school that I was like, okay. That's when he was starting. 'cause that's when he had to separate from me. So it was a lot of okay, wow, okay.

[00:49:47] Like he had to call, the guidance counselor got involved and I was like, okay, we've had a tragic event as a family. This is the reason behind his behaviors. And everyone was wonderful. His school was wonderful, but oh yeah, my grief counselor, she was amazing. But we worked through a lot.

[00:50:03] I didn't realize all the grief I had to unpack because I was still unpacking stuff, it brought up like a lot of family issues and 

[00:50:12] Maya: you had 25 years to unpack Lee. Like you had a lot going on, but because you get in the motions of just the rollercoaster that you're going on and being that rock in the family, you don't turn the light onto yourself and go, okay, now it's for time for me to process. And it sounds like you did that finally.

[00:50:28] Leigh: Yes. And I decided during that time, like I wanted all the pain to end with Beth. I wanted any hard feelings towards anybody in my family to just stop. And that's a choice, and that's a choice to, and that's powerful to be like, I don't wanna carry this around with me anymore. I don't want to carry this resentment around with me anymore.

[00:50:56] You did this, you didn't do this. You enabled, but you didn't even do this. Or you could have done more, you could have done less. It's like at, no stop. This is. Continuing to eat our family alive. Haven't we lost enough? And I made that decision and I've kept true to it. And we are really functioning well.

[00:51:20] I really, if accepting my parents for, if they are and who they were, and I really enjoy my time with them because I know they're hurting too. And

[00:51:30] Maya: Yeah.

[00:51:30] Leigh: we're all getting older. And I don't wanna hurt anymore. I don't wanna be angry anymore. I don't want to be angry anymore. It will eat you alive. And I wanna be free from all that.

[00:51:41] And I am. I truly am. 'cause I made a choice. 

[00:51:46] Maya: I love that you're talking about this because that's when things changed for me too. I made a choice, which again, most of you guys have listened to my story but I think I get asked this a lot too, Lee, and we're just, we're covering so much today

[00:52:00] Leigh: We really 

[00:52:01] Maya: and we really are, and I love it. And I hope you guys are loving it too, because it is a choice.

[00:52:06] And sometimes people look at me like I have three heads when I say that because of my story. And then once you hear it and then like a story like yours is a. Great example as well. It's a choice. And it doesn't mean, I think people get confused 'cause they're like, I can't just flip a switch.

[00:52:21] That's not what we're asking you to do. You gotta look at things, you gotta examine it, work through it, whether that's therapy group, whatever's healthy for you and whatever works for you. Which again, I'm a huge fan of therapy. 

[00:52:33] Know that already. But yes. I would not be able to do this right now without therapy.

[00:52:38] And I think that it is a choice. I agree with you a hundred percent because if you. Just 'cause you can choose do I wanna hold onto the anger or do I wanna examine everything, work through it, whatever that looks like for me, and let it, you let it go and you leave it. A lot of people have said on the show too I leave it in the past and like I'm able to move forward.

[00:52:58] There's really beautiful ways and we're all speaking the same language with our own verbiage and I think that's really beautiful and it's, it is a choice and I, it doesn't mean that you have to make that choice the day after you find your sibling has passed or

[00:53:12] Leigh: No, it's a process. Yeah.

[00:53:14] Maya: process. And I think that's so important to highlight that because I chose, I I was not as advanced as you Lee. It was not two years into my journey, but it was several years. It took me about four, five years. And then, I came out with the show and that's when I was able to tell the story, I had released it and people were like, how are you not angry at your mom for enabling your brother?

[00:53:37] How are you not angry at your dad for not being around? How are you not? And I'm like, because who is that serving? Who is that serving? Nobody. Nobody.

[00:53:46] Leigh: Why, exactly. What is the purpose of that anger? What is the, who does? Who does that serve? You're absolutely right. It's just, it's more dysfunction and it's more pain, and it's not honoring your sibling that's gone. It's just feeding what killed them. It's just feeding into all of that sickness, and I don't, I wanna be, yeah,

[00:54:11] Maya: Free of it. And you are, yeah, you're free. You are free Lee. That could be your quote. You're free Lee. And Beth is now too. And I think that's so amazing. Thank you for being so vulnerable and open with us today. I appreciate it. Is there anything else you wanted to touch on, Lee, that I didn't ask you about today or any other pieces of advice you wanna give people?

[00:54:31] Because Fentanyl is such an epidemic, it's so sad what's going on. Anything else you wanna share with us before we wrap up and talk about where to find potentially some fentanyl resources or if you're comfortable where people could connect with you if they have any questions for you?

[00:54:45] Leigh: Yeah, you can connect via my email. I'm, I am a, I'm an open book a big proponent of fentanyl awareness. I follow a lot of support groups on Facebook and it just breaks my heart. It's everywhere. So education is key. Especially if you have young children. It's in pills, it's in marijuana, it's in cocaine.

[00:55:08] Dropping dead instantly. It's all over the place. So just Information become educated. But if there's again, I'm an open book. I'm, if I can help anybody that's just honoring my sister and I would be happy to. So my email? 

[00:55:25] Maya: Thank you, Lee. Awesome. We'll include it in the show notes. Thank you so much. Thank you for sharing your story and Beth's story and being here. I appreciate you and thank you guys so much for listening to Lee's story and Beth's story. We'll see you back on the next episode. Thanks.