On Episode 2 of Season 10, In this special episode of The Surviving Siblings® Podcast, host Maya Roffler sits down to reflect on one of the most emotionally complicated milestones she has faced since losing her brother Andreas: turning 40 while approaching the 10th anniversary of his death.
But Maya’s birthday carries another layer that makes this milestone especially significant. Maya and Andreas shared the same birthday. They weren’t twins. They were three years apart, born on the exact same day after remarkably even sharing the same due date. For most of Maya’s life, her birthday was never entirely hers—it belonged to both of them.
Now, Maya continues getting older while Andreas remains forever 27.
As she prepares to turn 40, Maya opens up about what it feels like to enter an entirely new decade of her life without her brother physically here to experience it with her. She shares why birthdays have often become even more difficult for her than Andreas’ death anniversary, how milestone years can unexpectedly bring grief back to the surface, and why no two birthdays—or grief anniversaries—feel exactly the same.
Turning 40 carries an additional emotional weight because Maya’s last milestone birthday was her 30th.
Exactly two months later, Andreas was murdered.
The conversation also goes beyond Andreas’ physical absence and into one of the less-discussed realities of sibling loss: secondary loss within the family.
Maya also discusses the difference between “moving on” and “moving forward”—a distinction that has become foundational to the way she talks about grief.
For her 40th, she decided to travel to Thailand and Korea—a trip intentionally chosen both for herself and as a way to feel connected to Andreas. Andreas identified as Buddhist and had a deep interest in Asian culture, while his girlfriend was Korean. Maya shares why visiting Thailand, experiencing Buddhist temples, traveling through Korea, and exploring places she has always wanted to see felt like the right way to honor both of them during such an important year.
So when a sibling’s birthday, death anniversary, or another milestone arrives, the question doesn’t necessarily have to be, “What would they want me to do?”
It can also be: “What will make me feel close to them?”
For Maya, sometimes that means traveling.
This episode is an intimate reflection on birthdays after sibling loss, milestone grief, complicated family dynamics, continuing bonds, and what it really means to build a life that makes room for both the sibling who died and the person you are still becoming.
In This Episode:
(0:00:00) – A Special Birthday Episode + 10 Years Without Andreas Maya introduces this solo episode as she approaches both her 40th birthday and the 10th anniversary year of Andreas’ homicide—and shares what makes their birthday particularly meaningful: they were born on the same day, three years apart.
(0:03:00) – Why Some Birthdays Hit Harder Than Others Maya reflects on how grief changes from year to year and why milestone birthdays, anniversaries, and seemingly ordinary years can bring unexpected emotions to the surface.
(0:08:00) – Turning 40 After What Happened At 30 Why this milestone birthday carries anxiety for Maya after Andreas was murdered exactly two months after she turned 30.
(0:10:00) – Entering A New Decade Without Her Brother Maya reflects on the emotional realization that she physically knew Andreas throughout her 30s—but will now enter her 40s without him.
(0:11:00) – Family Division + The Secondary Losses Of Grief Nearly a decade after Andreas’ death, Maya opens up about ongoing family dysfunction, fractured relationships, and grieving the family closeness she once hoped would come from their loss.
(0:13:00) – When Loss Doesn’t Bring A Family Together Maya remembers asking her mother, as the family matriarch, whether Andreas’ death would tear their family further apart or become an opportunity to come together—and reflects on the heartbreak of how differently things unfolded.
(0:16:00) – Moving Forward Is Not Moving On Maya explains why she will never “move on” from Andreas but believes deeply that surviving siblings can learn how to move forward while continuing to carry their sibling with them.
(0:22:00) – Finding The Support That Works For You From therapy and grief coaching to support groups and community, Maya encourages surviving siblings to explore the tools that can help them build a future and learn how to carry their grief.
(0:24:00) – Holding Pain + Joy At The Same Time One of Maya’s biggest lessons from grief: sadness and happiness, laughter and pain, missing someone and continuing to live can all exist simultaneously.
(0:26:00) – Grieving The Family You Thought You Would Have Maya discusses accepting where family relationships are today, preserving her...
