Sharing A Birthday After Sibling Loss

[00:00:00] this is a special episode that I'm doing just by myself. I figured it's been a little while since you guys have heard from just me, just me sharing a little bit about where I am in my journey and experience with sibling loss and the loss of my brother.

And it's a very special year this year, and it's kind of a weird thing to be [00:01:00] saying because it's going to be the 10th anniversary of my brother's death, of his homicide. And I wanted to put this episode out the week of my brother's birthday, which many of you know. If you're new here, you might not. My brother and I share the same birthday.

And no, we're not twins. And , it's a really cool story because my brother and I are three years apart. And of course, we are and we aren't because he hasn't gotten older. He will forever be 27. But I was born in 1986, so I'm turning 40 this year. So huge milestone and I really wanted to bring this special edition birthday episode to all of you to share a little bit about my brother and I, where I am, how I think of him, and also just [00:02:00] talk a little bit about birthday celebrations, how to move through that.

We had a great episode back in season four if you haven't checked that out where Dr. Dawn DiRaimondo and I both share how we, from different perspectives, how we get through different holidays, anniversaries, and things like that. But this is such a milestone year. I really wanted to bring this to you and the episode just so happens to come out.

If you're a Patreon member, you'll be watching this on my brother's birthday, on my birthday. If you, just listen to the show and you're not a part of our private Patreon community, you will listen to it on the 23rd, which is just two days after our birthday. If you have been thinking about joining our private community, definitely click in the show notes and check it out.

You can find a full video there of me chatting with you and, upcoming events that you can be a part of and our support group twice a month. So we'd love to have you. But I thought it would be really special to do this episode that week [00:03:00] and talk to you guys a little bit about what this feels like, what it feels like to turn 40 and my brother's not here And I would say some years I've really felt his absence more than others.

And I think sometimes people misunderstand me when I say that because it doesn't mean that I don't always feel his absence. I absolutely do. It was interesting because last year I went to Costa Rica for my birthday, for my 39th. I have, friends that live there. That was a really cool experience. I hadn't been back in a little while.

It's one of my favorite places to travel to, and when I haven't been for a while, I'm like, "Oop, it's time to go, it's time to go." And I didn't know how I would feel on my birthday. Every year feels different. Some years feel more intense than others, and I always tell people that. I'm like, "Some years are just gonna feel more intense than others.

Just remember that." And sometimes it can mean something because it's like a milestone birthday. Like this year I'm like, "Oh my gosh, I'm turning 40. Like, [00:04:00] what is this gonna feel like?" And then some years it's like I'm turning 39, and for some reason it turned out to be a big deal for me. When I was in, uh, Costa Rica, I was fine most of the trip, and then on my birthday I decided to stay in like a casita on the beach, uh, you know, away from my friends 'cause I was there for almost two weeks.

I like to do a big trip for my birthday every year. That's like my big trip that I do. And a lot of the reason that I do, a lot of the reasons that I do the big trip is because my birthday is really, really hard because of my brother, and I think it's something that most of my family doesn't understand.

I've found, my father to be a little more empathetic to it as the years have, have gone on. You know, I was talking to him... Oh, this is gonna make me emotional. I was talking to him recently, and we talk quite often, and I was explaining to him the intensity of my birthday, and especially a milestone birthday.

[00:05:00] And I think of milestone birthdays as more like every 10 years or like when you turn 21 or 18 or 30, 40. I think 35 can be a big deal too, but as you start to get older it's more like 40, 50, 60. Just my opinion and my take on it. That might change. Stay tuned as I continue to get older. However, um, this year when I was telling him that I said, "You know, I can't ever really be home on my birthday.

It's just too hard. And I feel like if I just was home on my birthday, it, it... I, I can't. I, I feel like I have to be doing, I have to be going, I have to be doing something not only to honor myself, but to honor my brother." And he really understood, which was really beautiful. But last year it didn't really hit me hard until I was coming back from dinner.

I went out with some friends for dinner, and I kinda just lost it my birthday night. I was up late, [00:06:00] you know- Missed him. It really hit me hard. And I hadn't text his cellphone in a really, really long time, and I did. And someone messaged back and they were like, "You have the wrong number." And I've gotten different responses over the years because his number has obviously changed hands.

And I was like, "Well, yeah, I, I know. My, my brother's dead, so I know." And they were just like, "Oh, okay." Which is interesting because I've gotten different messages from other people in the past too, which I don't expect, where they've said things like, "Oh my gosh, you can text anytime," or, you know, sweet things.

And I think some of you have gotten those messages as well. I think it just depends. But I mean, I don't expect it because that's probably weird to get a message. It probably is weird. So it's okay. But I think for me it just kinda hit me, [00:07:00] and then I was okay. Then I was okay, and I talked about it a little bit with some friends and talked about it in our private group that we have too, which I just shout out to you guys because you're just so lovely.

Because you've created a space for me as well, and you didn't have to do that. I created this space for you all to share and for you all to, you know, have a space, place to place to come. I didn't expect for it to be a place for me to come as well. I just created something that I just didn't have And I often wonder, like, where would I have been if I had had a space like the one that I have created and continue to create for all of us?

But I don't ever have to wonder what if I never found that space, because I have it with all of you, and I appreciate that. And so I'm able to come back from those, those trips and these experiences and share this, and share it in real time too, because we chat all the time as well [00:08:00] in our, in our community.

But it was rough, and I didn't expect to be so emotional about it, and it's one of the reasons why I really wanted to do an episode on this, this season where I'm just kind of sharing, because 40 is such a big milestone birthday. And I have a lot of anxiety going into this birthday because my last milestone birthday, I tur- obviously I consider 30.

I mean, 35 I guess could be one, but, um, I turned 30 and exactly two months later my brother was murdered. And 30 was rough. It was rough. I went into 30 feeling like I was on top of the world. I had this corporate career. I was filming this show, which I didn't actually enjoy that, but it was what it was.

It was an interesting experience. But, you know, had this condo in the city, driving my little nice car, all these things, very superficial type things that I thought I had fulfilled, check, check, check, all these check boxes that we think about in life, and I just thought I had it all [00:09:00] together, and two months later my brother was murdered.

So my whole life came crashing down. So there is something that does stay with you, because now I'm sitting here recording this, getting ready to go on this amazing, huge trip in honor of my birthday, but my brother. And I have a lot of anxiety. I don't have anxiety about traveling. I've traveled internationally a lot in my life, and I travel all the time for my business, for my event business that I have.

But I have this anxiety because the last time that I had a milestone birthday, my brother was killed, and I lost a few other friends after him as well. It was a really difficult time. It was a really difficult age, and I think I just want you to realize that it's okay that some years feel a little anticlimactic, and then some years you tap into a lot of emotions and things that you didn't know [00:10:00] maybe were still there, or it's you're repeating a pattern or you're repeating something.

Like turning a big milestone age, it feels like something's coming up for me again. I'm hitting this new decade and quite honestly You know, I, the last time I saw my brother, I was in my 30s. I'm gonna be in my 40s, and I'm not gonna know him physically in my 40s. And it takes a lot to make me emotional, and some of these thoughts have been making me really emotional and really thinking about this and really thinking about, wow, like, what a, what a big moment.

And to be perfectly raw and open and honest with you, it's also really made me think a lot about how dysfunctional my family still is, and that really makes me sad. It makes me sad because there's such a great divide and a great division still within my family, and I don't speak about [00:11:00] most of them here in our private group.

I'll talk about them because it's a private space and I feel comfortable doing that. But on social media and even here on the show, I don't often talk about them out of respect for them, even if they don't have respect for me. And I don't, I'm not treated with respect by them at, at all. And I don't, I don't lump every family member into that.

I definitely don't feel that way now about my dad. I definitely feel super respected by him. I have a good relationship with my youngest sister, but it's my mom and my other sibling that I just, I still struggle with that, for sure. And I think there's There is a strength in vulnerability and there's a strength in honesty.

And I look at the path that they've chosen to go down, which is so divisive for our family. And when I'm turning 40, [00:12:00] it's been almost 10 years since my brother was killed, and there's such a deep division in the family. And I've interviewed over 100 siblings on this show now, and we're about to approach our 100th episode, and there's just so many families that I connect with because of division and what happens, and that's so, it's so deeply heartbreaking.

But then I've also heard some really beautiful, as you have too I'm sure listening to the show, some really beautiful families that have chosen to come together and chosen to be each other's strength and chosen to be a part of their grief bubble, where you stay in this bubble together and you protect each other and you move through this together.

And that's been really inspiring for me. And I've also had to kind of release the idea that that, that could happen for me. I have to hold onto the idea that if I go through a loss, like [00:13:00] for me in a family that I create, I would wanna operate more like that and learning from that. But I have to let go, and letting go of things sometimes is really hard, and healing from things that you don't have an opportunity to experience at all is really hard, and I've had to let go of this idea that we would heal and be a stronger family together.

If you listen to the first season of The show where I tell my story and my brother's story, there's a significant moment when I'm about to go into the hospital and see my brother, even though he-- I'm about to watch him die, essentially, and I would never really get to speak to him a two-way conversation.

And if you haven't listened to it and you're interested, please feel free to. It's, it's, it was very important to me to just be so open and raw and honest, and that's why we've had 10 seasons now, I guess. I've inspired all of you to do the same, and that's so humbling and incredible. But I, um, this is a big [00:14:00] moment.

I told my mother, I said, "You know, Mom, as the matriarch, like, you have a choice now. This is either gonna tear our family further apart or, like, we can come together." And I just remember her, of course, being sad and crying and being frantic, but I just remember her acknowledging that. And I think that's one of the greatest heartbreaks of this loss for me, is that, she didn't choose that.

She didn't choose that. She didn't choose coming together. And I can't say that I chose it either in the beginning, but I know that I've chosen it now, and there's not, um, there's someone who's not the matriarch of a family, I'm not, you know, I'm not the matriarch. And I think it's something that really drove home with me, too, in this story is, you know, a mother will always be a mother and a father will always be a father.

And it's something I really had to work super hard on with my [00:15:00] father, and we're in a much better place now. We never really had a relationship, and now we have one. But I think it's just really difficult going into this watching people make decisions where they didn't really wanna work through it or come together, and that's heartbreaking.

And these are really secondary losses that happen, that happen with sibling loss and, and all losses, but obviously we talk about sibling loss here. And I think that's been one of the really difficult things for me. It's not something I talk about all the time, and it's not something I think about often, but with such a big milestone birthday coming up for me, and my brother's not here, and the family is still so dysfunctional and so disjointed and so frustrating, it's saddening.

It's, it's sad. It's a very sad thing. And for me, it's one of the reasons why, like, traveling and honoring my brother on our birthday is so important to me. I want to find joy and happiness in something that is so dark. And [00:16:00] it brings me to something that I get really s- really torn apart on social media about a lot.

I talk a lot about moving forward and not moving on. So a lot of people, a- as this audience has grown... Look, people either love you or they hate you. It is what it is. I'm not for everybody, and that's totally okay. But I won't have my, my words and the things that I say misconstrued. If you wanna misconstrue them, that's up to you.

But for me, I know that I will never fully move on from this, like, the loss of my brother. It's changed me. It's changed who I am as a person. It's changed what's important for me in life. It changed the ch- entire trajectory of my life. I think I would've probably become an entrepreneur for sure, 'cause I was already an intrapreneur, very creative and creating things within companies.

But I think it really shoved me like a baby bird out of my, out of the nest because I didn't [00:17:00] fit with the rest of the nest. And so, you know, I think it's just interesting. So, in some ways it's, it sounds weird to people when I say, you know, I wish this never happened, but I do find, I have found inspiration from such a difficult thing But I'm never gonna move on from it, but I have learned how to move forward from it, and I talk so often about that with my audience, with all, with you, you listening, but also to, you know, everyone on TikTok, everyone on Facebook, everyone on, Instagram, wherever we are.

And I think it's really important to be open and transparent about that. I don't think you ever move on, but you can move forward. And sometimes people say, "Oh, those are just semantics," and it's not. It's not. Moving on means you're done. You're over it. You've left it in the past, and I'm never gonna leave my brother in the past.

He comes with me. He's just not getting older. So yes, lucky you, Andreas, you're always gonna look young. It's a joke between him [00:18:00] and I, okay? But, I think it's a privilege that I'll get to look older and be older , and grow older, and he doesn't have that privilege because of the disgusting person that took that from him.

But I don't want people to misunderstand what I'm saying, and if they do, it's usually because they're blinded or jaded by their own anger or fear or depression or sadness of what they're going through, because grief is a really difficult thing. I'm not saying that you're, you're gonna get over it.

You're probably not. But you... It does get easier, and people don't wanna believe that. The reality is it does, because if it didn't get easier, you wouldn't still be here. I'll be honest with you. I would not be able to be living, having a life, having a career, having multiple businesses. I wouldn't be able to do that if it didn't get easier.

And people get so upset with me when I say that, but the reality is I'm not saying that, like, you have to learn to understand what I'm saying about this and what most [00:19:00] grief... Like, I'm not a grief professional. I am a podcaster who went through an experience and has been talking about it for 10 years, so call me what you want.

But I'm someone who interviews therapists, grief coaches, people who are educated and teach and coach and literally do therapy in this space, and they will say the same thing as me. And what we're saying is the pain of the loss doesn't get easier. That's not what we're saying. It hurts me today. L- I mean, I'm, I'm telling you this almost 10 years later.

My brother should be turning 37 He was 27 when he was killed. It's still painful. I can still cry about it. It's-- And I still do, and I probably will cry on my birthday, and I probably cry on his death anniversary. But my day-to-day life doesn't feel like it did the first year, second year, third year, fourth year.

It doesn't feel like that. It doesn't feel like that, especially after creating this show. And that's why I wanna thank [00:20:00] you, whether you're just finding this show for the first time and listening to this episode, or if you've listened to every single episode, you've listened to two episodes, 100 episodes, whatever you've listened to, thank you for that because it means the world.

We've been able to continue this show and doing this show because so many of you like, subscribe, share, join our Patreon. That's how we continue to do this. Um, we've had incredible sponsors over the years, and it's just really, it's so humbling. It's so amazing. But I do feel it in my heart when people misinterpret things that I'm saying.

I'm not saying that it gets easier, the pain. You grow around it. You learn how to live this new version of you. And yeah, it sucks. Maybe you liked the old version of yourself. Maybe you liked the version where your brother or your sister was still here. I did. I liked that version of me. But I have to be honest, there's also a version of me now that I like a little bit better[00:21:00] 

Now, she may have come along whether or not my brother was killed. I'm not gonna give that power or that credit to somebody who completely destroyed our lives. That's not what I'm saying. But I will say You do have a choice about what happens next. And this is coming from someone who was in a hot mess funk for, like, the first two to three minimum years after my brother was killed.

And I started to pull myself out of it in year four, which I, again, I talk extensively about on the first season. But I'd just like to kind of recap for those of you who might just be finding us and just know that I'm speaking from a place of experience, and I went through this really difficult period in my life.

I look back and it, it was so hard to record the first season because it was just like I had to think back [00:22:00] and, and it was such a fog and such a blur. And so if that's where you are right now, just know that that's normal. And, and that's why we tell you that it gets easier, because it's going to. It might get harder before it gets easier, but it is going to get easier.

The pain of the loss is never gonna get easier, though. Like, I'm still sitting here 10 years later talking about how painful this is. So don't misinterpret me when I say it gets easier. You learn how to grow around it. You learn how to carry it. But a lot of that is up to you. How are you going to learn how to carry it?

How are you going to learn how to move through it? That's why I have grief coaches on this season. That's why I have therapists on this season. Season 10 for me is about really inspiring all of you to understand what we mean when we say the grief is, the pain, the, of the grief, the pain of the loss is never going to get easier.

That's not, like, what we're saying. [00:23:00] You're gonna carry that with you for, through life. But your day-to-day life will get easier if you reach out for that help, if you find out what's gonna work for you. And I want you to explore those things. So many people have come to our group and have stayed or stayed for a year or, and then left and said, "You know what, Maya?

This has been incredible. I feel amazing. I feel like I can do day-to-day life." So many people have gone to our therapists that have been on our show or their own therapists and have come to me and told me, "Maya, you were right. I needed therapy. This is amazing." I'm not a therapist. I know, I know that we need therapy often.

Therapy's not for everyone. I think it is, but some people just aren't a fan, and that's okay. Uh, people have gone to some of the grief coaches that, that we have in our community, and they have come back and they've said, "Maya, this has been incredible for me. I feel like I can get out of bed. I can shower.

I have a plan. I have a future. Like, I'm planning for things." Whether it's support group with us, which again, we'd love to have you, whether it's going to the right therapist, [00:24:00] whether it's a grief coach, a combination of this, going to a local support community, my main point in all of this is I don't care what you choose as long as it's right for you and it helps you move through that day-to-day and helps you get to that place where you can move through your grief and you can find joy and happiness in your life again.

Because I promise you, grief will teach you one thing. You can... Well, it'll teach you many things, I'll tell you that. But you can hold pain and joy simultaneously. You can hold laughter and sadness. They can exist at the same time. And I think that was w- probably the biggest lesson I learned as I started to c- come out of the fog and come out of my anger, come out of these things that were really ruling me I realized that you can hold more than one emotion simultaneously.

You can feel things. Even though maybe I had, had felt that before, but this was so much more [00:25:00] intense and so different that it just, it changed me. It made me a much more dynamic person and, and in understanding that. So that's something I wanna, I want you to get to a place where you can feel, and that's not gonna happen the first day.

It's not gonna hap- may- might not happen the first year. It might take you some time to get there, but getting the support you need for that is really, really important. And that's why I wanted to just talk so openly about this, and talk so openly about the fact that just because I'm, I've created this community and I talk so openly doesn't mean I have it all figured out.

Clearly, my family journey is still an ongoing thing. I don't know where all of that is gonna end up. I don't know, you know, it's, there's, you know, it's an ongoing story that you're coming along with me for this experience. And I mean, not everybody, I'm sure, is really excited or jazzed in my family that I talk [00:26:00] openly about this.

But I think it's important because so many people live behind shame, and so many people live behind the shame of, you know, their family not being perfect or their family not being the way that it should be after grief and loss and, you know, I think everyone just thinks they'll come together and everything will be perfect, and that's not really how it always works.

And so I wanna be so open about that. This is a huge, huge birthday for me, and And, you know, our family's not together This is something that I think is really important to talk about and be open about because these losses change family dynamics, they change your life. And I've had to make really difficult decisions to preserve my peace and my healing, and I don't have any regrets.

I just hope, and I have hope for the future that things can change, but I think sometimes you also have [00:27:00] to respect people and understand and meet people where they are, and sometimes that's space. And for me, I have grieved very differently than the rest of my family, and I'm not okay with the fact that some of my family just has not worked through this loss and has not, has, it barely even acknowledges it.

I'm not okay with that. I want to honor my brother and talk about him, and that's why I, for my 40th, as I mentioned, I love to travel. I travel a lot for work, so sometimes I'm like, "Do I just wanna stay home in my sweats?" So there's that. But I really thought about what I wanted to do for my birthday, and I love horses, so I kept thinking like I'm gonna go do a horse trip and then I was supposed to go on a work trip and tie that on.

All these things just started to get crazy, and then it was like one night things kinda just got silent for me and I started thinking about like, [00:28:00] "Okay, this is such a milestone birthday. This is such a big birthday for me, but it's always important because of my brother. So what do I wanna do?" What do I wanna do?

And I decided to go to Thailand, and here's why. One, I've always wanted to go. It's been a, a thing for me. I've always wanted to go. But two, my brother was Buddhist, so he said. He was a lot of things, so he said. My mother wanted to do a lot of things at his celebration of life that were Buddhist. But I've always wanted to go to Thailand for so many reasons.

My brother was really into the Asian culture as well, and I thought it would be cool also to tack on Korea because my brother's girlfriend was Korean. And so the whole trip just worked out. I booked it, like, really quick and found this group and Stay tuned. You can watch my social media. I'll be sharing [00:29:00] parts of it.

Some of it's private, but parts of it with you guys. And I just love animals, and there's so many animal elements to this, and my brother did too. But there is a big Buddhist element to this. They're Buddhist in Thailand, and so one of the days I'm going to, to the temple, you know, and, and gonna do all of those things, and I think I'm gonna feel really connected to my brother, and I'm really excited about that.

And when this episode comes out, I will be coming back, so you can hop on socials, you can hop on my, you know, TikTok lives that I do and weekly and hear about how it really was for me. But that's how I decided to do a trip in honor of both myself and my brother. So if you're in our, our community or if you're on our TikTok or if you're, you come to different events that we do, you'll often hear me say when people say, "It's my sibling's birthday, what do I [00:30:00] do for them?

It's my sibling's anniversary, what do I do for them?" The reality is, and something I had to realize myself, is we're the ones here having a human experience. We're the ones here that are still mourning them, and they're gone physically, regardless of what you believe in. If you are atheist or agnostic and you don't, don't believe in an afterlife, this applies.

If you are religious and you believe in God or you follow a certain religion, this applies. If you're spiritual and you believe in many things, this applies. Or if, you know, you believe in reincarnation, this applies. The reality is we are left here having a human experience, whether you believe that there's an afterlife or not.

So I think it's a beautiful thing to honor our siblings who have passed, but we have to remember that we're doing this for ourselves. Yes, we're doing it in honor of them, but what's [00:31:00] gonna make us feel close to them? And once I had a little bit of that mindset shift with that, it really helped me come up with ideas for our birthday, for the death anniversary.

For, for my birthday specifically, because it's the same day, I think, "What would my brother wanna do that's really cool?" But also, I take it a step further. What is something I would enjoy doing? What is something that's going to make me... This is making me emotional to talk about this because I feel like I finally hit, like, the right thing for me to honor him and I on our birthday.

He enjoyed traveling. He loved it. He didn't get to do enough of it. And so I feel like, what would be something where I feel close to him? And I knew this trip I would feel close to him doing this because, one, what he believed spiritually, two, I mean, his partner, his girlfriend, and then, and her background and where, you know, where her family's from.

But also three, he just really loved the [00:32:00] culture and everything over there, and that's one, one of the few places, like, I haven't traveled to. And so it just felt right. It felt right, and I feel really connected to him embarking on this, this trip. And so I'm proud of that, and that's how I kind of operate each year going into our birthday, but especially this year because it's such a big birthday for me, and I'm the one here having the human experience.

I'm the one here that requires this closeness. Because for me, I am spiritual, even though in our community we have people that are atheist, agnostic, religious, spiritual, don't believe in anything, you know, I mean, all over the place, which I love about our community, and I think it's so important to have a place where you're accepted.

For me personally, I am spiritual, and I do think my brother is with me spiritually, but I need to feel a closeness. And if that's selfish, that's selfish, but I'm the one [00:33:00] creating the experience, and I want him to know that I think of him, and I want him to know that I honor him, and I want him to know that I miss him.

And I want him to know that our birthday is, like, one of the hardest days for me, if not the hardest day of the year. It's harder than the death anniversary some years. It's so interesting because, it makes me emotional. If you're watching video, you can see me. I'm getting emotional. And I'm not a, I'm not a big crier.

I'm not a big emotional person. But this, this day is so special to me. It's so special to me, and it will be special to me for the rest of my life, and it will be hard for me for the rest of my life. But to the point of what I was talking about earlier, I have learned how to carry it, and I've learned how to hold a special p- place and how to...

I hate to say how to be strong, because it's not that. I can hold the pain of the loss of my brother, and I can hold the joy [00:34:00] simultaneously. That's how I'm able to move through life in a totally different way now. I have, I found amazing tools like our community, and I had an incredible therapist, and I've had incredible people around me and rallying me for this, and I think that's what really makes the difference, and I think that's what really helps you move through this experience.

And it doesn't mean that you won't have tough days. It doesn't mean that the loss isn't tough, and it doesn't mean that the pain itself gets easier. But you do get stronger when you decide you're going to work through this, and you decide that you're going to find what works for you, whether it's community, therapy, coaching, a, a combination of all of it.

And I really made a conscious decision about year four to pull myself through this, and that's how I started this show. If I hadn't done a combination of those things and really pulled myself through, I wouldn't be here talking to you [00:35:00] Coming up on our 100th episode, interviewing over 100 of you on this show, and it's been such an honor to have you on here.

And I have to say it's such an honor to have the same birthday as my brother, even though growing up sometimes it was like we didn't love it. Especially when you're young kids and like he wants a dinosaur party and I want a Pegasus party. You know, that didn't really vibe, so we had to take turns on like who celebrated on the actual birthday, on the actual day.

That was kind of a crack-up when that was happening. You know, dinosaur, unicorn, Pegasus, those don't always vibe. But then when we got old... You know, we were really young, it was cool. Middle age is not so cool. High school it gets cool again. College it's cool. 20s it's cool. Now it's hard, but it's also really cool because I've learned the tools to be able to carry [00:36:00] the pain and the joy simultaneously.

But this is the hardest day for me. It's even harder than the death anniversary. And that shifts some years, but for the most part, birthday, because it's that reminder that like I'm just continuing to get so much older than him

He died 10 years ago, but I'm 13 years older than him this week. That's crazy. I was only three years older than him. So it's something, it does something to your mind, and it does something to your heart and your soul, and it shifts a lot of things for you. And every year feels a little bit different, and I'm sure I'll feel different as I go through different milestones, as I always share with all of you.

But I really wanted to talk birthdays because this is the tough one for me, and I think [00:37:00] everybody focuses a lot on death anniversaries, and I'm not saying the death anniversary isn't tough. It is. But I really love what I do on, on his death anniversary. I go down to the creek, for those of you who don't know.

I go down to the creek where a lot of his ashes are. I still have his ashes in a necklace and then also in a tiny urn. And I go down to that creek and I bring him a sunflower for every year that he's been gone. So he's gonna be getting 10 this year. And I bring him a bottle of champagne and I bring him his favorite, food from our hometown.

And I eat that there and I pop the champagne and I spend time there and I cry. And if you're in our group, I share videos and I'll talk to you guys while I'm there and do things like that. 'Cause it's, it's personal. I don't go crazy on social media with it. I share a little bit but not everything. I feel more comfortable in our private group.

But I spend a lot of time with him and I talk to him and then there's this tree that's like fallen down and it's been there forever. [00:38:00] It's been there forever. It's just been there. So I've even taken pictures sitting there. I just feel him with me. And if you're spiritual, there was one year where I s- I like saw him there.

There was like this light and he was there. That was many years ago but it was really wild. It was a wild experience. I thought I was losing it but I really did. And then it's interesting because every year I throw the flowers down the creek and there's usually two that stay behind and they're like intertwined and they like stay behind and it's happened every year.

I have it on video. It's really, really wild. And I swear I'm like, "Oh, that's us. That's us." Like no matter where like the current takes us, like we're still intertwined. And that day's tough too. It is tough. But this year

It's birthday. Birthday's tough. I think milestone birthdays are tough. And I I [00:39:00] feel a sadness, but I also feel supported a lot this year, thanks to so many of you, but also thanks to just, you know, that recognition in my family. I feel like my sister, you know, also just really opened up to me too and was like, "You know, yeah, that must be tough."

Having the same birthday as Andreas. I'm like, "Yeah, it is tough." Just that little acknowledgement when you come from kind of that really dysfunctional dynamic in a family is helpful. And I feel like my dad also saying to me, you know, I was like, "You know, Dad," 'cause sometimes he

doesn't always wanna talk about it, and that's okay. And, uh, you know, we've talked a lot about it. But, you know, I can't have inauthentic relationships. That's a deal breaker for me. After losing my brother, it's absolute deal breaker. I cannot have fake or inauthentic [00:40:00] relationships. And when I said this to him the other day when we were talking, and he was, you know, that I think my birthday's always going to be...

It's like my epiphany this year. I think my birthday's always going to be really tough. And he said, "I get it. I understand." And that's not him saying he gets it because he goes through that, but, like, he gets my perspective. And it's just, it's really refreshing to feel heard and understood, and also feels really amazing to feel understood and acknowledged by a parent.

Because I felt for so long, and so many of you will connect with this, that because it's just my brother, quote unquote, just my brother that I lost. They lost their child, their only son. Like, I'm not allowed to have these feelings. But what, but what about us? What about the sisters? Like, what about us?

And what about me? [00:41:00] My brother and I share the same birthday. That's like, that's what I've known for most of my life. He was born when I was three. It's my first memory. My first memory Was going into the hospital and seeing my brother. I remember it. I remember exactly what I was wearing. I talked to my dad about this story, and I talked to my sister about this story.

I'll never forget it. This little blue and white striped dress. Like, yeah, it's wild. I'm actually... If you're watching on Patreon on video, you'll see I'm wearing blue today, blue and white for that reason. It's just something that I always associate with that. I'll never forget getting on my little tippy-toes and looking in at him.

It's a very special day. It's a special day, and although through our lives, as many siblings, we go through different feelings about sharing things with our siblings, especially something as important as your birthday. I'm sure twins out there definitely feel that way. But then I've also met some of you that [00:42:00] share a birthday or know people that share birthdays, and it's a very special thing.

Whether you believe in this or not, I think it's just cool. I've had multiple spiritual people, like mediums and different, you know, different spiritual, you know, gurus and things like that, tell me that if you share a birthday with someone in your family, not, you're not a twin, which twins are special.

You're special too, twins, don't worry. But this is like... And they say twins if you... You know, twins usually have some kind of past life connection as well. But we're talking about people here, just from my perspective, that if you have the same birthday and you're like, you know, mom and daughter, or like me and my brother, or like siblings, and you have the same birthday and you're, you're not twins, you've had many lifetimes together before.

Whether you believe in that or not, I didn't know what to think about at first, but now as I've gone through kind of this experience and this journey of sibling loss, I definitely believe in it. I definitely do, because [00:43:00] what were the odds that my brother and I had the same due date, we are both two weeks late, and we weighed the same three years apart.

And I had, one of our gals in our private group, she... I was talking about some of this in our group before embarking on my trip, and sharing some of this because some of them asked me to share the story of my brother and how we both had the due date and two weeks late and weighed the same. And she was like, "Maya, I hope you don't mind, but I went and looked up your brother's, like, YouTube channel and all of the videos he did."

First of all, not only do I not mind, if you guys wanted to see it, I'll show you more of it. Like, yeah. But she said, "It's so freaky how much the two of you look alike." And I'm like, "Yeah, absolutely." And we both dye our hair dark. And there I am talking about him in the present tense, which I want you to know it's totally normal if you do that.

And she was like, "It was, it was so freaky to, like, see him." I had never really watched videos of [00:44:00] him. People see pictures of him, but not videos of him all the time, 'cause I don't have a lot of them. And I said, "Yeah, it is kind of wild, right?" And she's like, "Yeah, it's totally wild." And, um, gets me choked up again.

She's like, "Yeah." And I'm like, "Yeah." And I told somebody the other day on social media that, you know, I don't know that I'll ever have anything but dark hair because it's a connection. My brother and I both dyed our hair dark, and our family's, like, all blonde. So, um, fun fact you get to know now. But it's something that keeps him close to me.

So if there's something that you do that keeps you close to your sibling, let me know. Let me know. I wanna hear from you. Social media, Patreon, wherever you guys are at, let me know. You can always email me, maya@thesurvivingsiblings.com too. I'd love to hear what you do, but sometimes it's silly little things like that, but I love my dark hair.

I think it's something that connects him and I. It's something we were rebels with. But I also try to live my life a little [00:45:00] more rebellious as well because that's who he was too. I hope this episode inspires you to do something on your sibling's birthday that is for you, but honors them in a way that connects you to them.

And I can't wait to tell you more about my trip and how connected I am with him going into this, but that's just something special, and I wanna wish my brother a happy, happy birthday. Hopefully, you know, whatever you believe in, I hope he's in heaven on the other side in a beautiful place watching over me as I go on this really crazy journey.

Leave it to me, every year I go on a crazy journey, and I wanna thank each and every one of you for wishing us a happy birthday as well. And let me know, reach out to me, let me know what you do to honor your birthday and their birthday, because remember, we're in this together. You're not alone, and I'm sending each one of you love because your birthday's hard too.

Your birthday's hard too. I just happen to have the same birthday as him, and so it's tough 'cause you think about how they're [00:46:00] not there. So it's, it's both. I'm honoring him on the day, but I'm also thinking about how he's not there to celebrate with me, vice versa. So it's really, really important that we do those things because we're here and we're still having this experience as a surviving sibling.

So thank you guys so much for listening to this special episode. Thanks for being a part of our community and continuing to listen to the show. Don't forget to like, subscribe, and share wherever you get your podcasts, and we'd love for you to join our private community of siblings where we meet twice a month virtually for support.

You also get free access to our annual conference that we do and all of our past conference information and so much more, as well as daily chats and one-on-one connections with other siblings and me. So I look forward to seeing you there. Feel free to join our Patreon. It's linked in the comments below.

Until next time, keep on surviving, my surviving siblings, and happy birthday to everyone, including my brother[00:47:00] [00:48:00]